Wish You Were Here
by Quille
Summary: Story that starts with Mac asking Jo to help him pick up a perfect engagement ring... for Christine. Thinking she already lost him, Jo starts to seek happiness somewhere else. But it seems that the line between heaven and hell can be really thin sometimes... Some smut, a lot of drama, not so much fluff (at least not at the beginning).
1. you think you can tell heaven from hell?

**A/N I guess I've just got seriously addicted to writing JAC fanfiction and just couldn't end up with only one story about those two. So here it is!**

**Big part of credit should go to Jessica (csinyfan28), as it was her story, He Wants To Get Married, that inspired me to write this one. Thank you very much for this piece of writing - it is really beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.  
**

**English still isn't my mother tongue, so again, sorry for all mistakes and language imperfections (although it should be much better on that filed, thanks to my lovely beta-reader - Christine (NYPD8433) - you're a huge help!) that will be bothering you while reading. Anyway, let me just say that if any of you feels like giving me some language advice, about anything, please don't hesitate. I don't find it offensive, quite opposite, I really appreciate that someone takes time to help me improve my English.**

**Disclaimer: _CSI New York_ and its characters are the property of Jerry Bruckheimer and _CBS_. No infringement is intended, just pure fun.**

. . .

''I just popped up to say 'bye'.'' Jo said, opening the door only slightly and not entering his office. ''I don't want to disturb you.'' She added, seeing Mac was busy.

''You never disturb me, Jo.'' He said smiling. She hesitated and entered his office slowly. '''So... what's up?'' He asked.

''Nothing much. We closed the case with Lindsay. Suspect pleaded guilty. Easy one.'' She said. He looked closer at her.

''And that's what bothering you?''

''No. Why do you think something is?''

''I don't know.'' He said. ''You've been unusually quiet today.''

''I guess I'm just tired.''

''That's not good. I was going to ask you for something.'' He said, making a puppy dog eyes. She smirked. She had no idea what he wanted from her, but she already knew that she would say 'yes' as she was simply unable to resist him when he was putting on this expression.

''Yeah?'' She asked smiling even wider.

''Yeah. I need your help, because I want to buy a ring. For Christine.'' Mac said and smiled back. She did her best trying not to change her expression, but immediately her jaw started to ache because of the forced, artificial smile. Her heart starting to beat like crazy. She needed to ask this question. There was no chance that the answer would be different from what she thought it would be, yet she needed to ask nevertheless. She didn't really want to hear his response, but she had to know, had to be sure.

''Are you going to propose?'' Jo asked, her voice washed out from emotion, as otherwise she would end up crying out in frustration.

''Yes.'' Mac nodded. ''But I really don't feel like picking something myself. I would really appreciated your feminine taste to help me decide.''

Jo wasn't really listening to him, as her blood was roaring in her ears too loudly. She found it hard to breath, suddenly feeling that the room was stuffy. She needed to get out.

She reached to her purse, pretending she got some message.

''Uhm... you know... sure, I'll help you, but not today.'' She said quickly. ''I have to be somewhere.''

''Sure, it doesn't have to be today. There is no rush.'' He smiled again.

''I really need to go.'' Jo said, getting up. ''See you on Monday.''

Mac didn't even have a chance to answer back as she actually ran out from his office. He wondered if something had happened, but then he came to the conclusion that she probably forgot about some meeting or something else she had to do, writing a reminder on one of her colorful post-in notes and sticking it in some random place. He couldn't help but smile at the thought.

. . .

As the elevator's door closed she leaned against the cold wall, bringing hands to her face. _So there it is. _She thought. _He is going to propose to Christine._ She groaned. How had it even happened? One day she was creating his account on some social networking site and the next he was dating this Christine who had reached him through the site. Now that was just a cruel joke of fate. It was actually she who had started this whole thing with Christine! And now he was going to marry her! She felt like banging her head against a wall in frustration.

So many times she wanted to make a move on him. It wasn't like there hadn't been any opportunities. Oh, no. There was plenty. Many times she had came to being so very close to ask him out or say something truly suggestive, that he just couldn't get it wrong, but every single time she had chickened out. There was something very strange about this man. From the very beginning she was both intimidated by him and attracted to him. And sometimes she couldn't decide which feeling was stronger.

She wasn't really the shy type. She could easily joked about everything, sometimes even making him embarrassed. She was very aware of her charm and she knew how to use it. And she even was able to notice that it was actually working for him. If he wasn't her best friend she would have made a move on him a long time ago. But at this point it seemed it could be an all or nothing bet. If she succeeded she would have everything – a friend, a lover and a partner. But if not, she would end up with nothing, losing his friendship as she knew it would be highly awkward for them to be as they used to be. Not to mention that it would also implied the necessity of quitting her job, as being rejected by her boss and still working with him, would be just... too pathetic.

The elevator pinged and she got out, heading for the parking lot, to her car. But despite all this, she thought she still had a time, still had this door open. True, he started to date Christine, but it really didn't seem very serious at the beginning. They were just spending time together and it wasn't really often, as Mac was spending most of his time at work... with her, after all. But it seemed she didn't judge this relationship right. It had to be serious as he was going to propose.

''Fuck!'' Jo cried out when she was in her car.

And going out with him... in order to buy an engagement ring... for the other woman? Now that was just too much!

. . .

Jo groaned in frustration getting out of bed. She glanced at the clock. It was 9 am! And Saturday, for God's sake! She opened the door, wanting to punch the face of the one who was behind it, no matter who it was. But as she noticed it was Tyler she abandoned the idea. After all he was her firstborn.

''Hi, mom!'' He greeted her, kissing her on the cheek. He got in and before she even had a chance to answer she felt another set of lips being pressed to her cheek.

''What the...'' She started, but some low, familiar voice stopped her.

''Hello, Jo.''

She looked up, seeing Russ.

''Hi.'' She murmured. Tyler disappeared in the kitchen, but Russ stayed in the hallway, looking at her.

''I've almost forgotten how cute you look dragged out from bed.'' He said and she blushed involuntarily. She tugged on her tiny top, trying to cover herself, but there was no use. His eyes roamed slowly all over her. He checked her long, slim legs, slight curves of her hips and then her breasts. Finally his gaze went back to her face and he smiled seeing her skin having pink flush.

''What are you doing here?'' She asked, crossing her arms over her chest, trying to hide herself from his scrutiny.

''I was seeing Tyler and we came up with an idea of celebrating the end of his first year at college. I want to ask you and Ellie to dinner to celebrate this occasion.'' He smiled.

''And you have to do that at 9 o'clock on Saturday?'' She asked, irritated to the bone, as she knew very well it was bullshit. He could call, he could come over anytime, but he just wanted to surprise her and make her angry.

''I've always thought you look most beautiful in the morning.'' He offered her one of his charming smiles and reached out, stroking her bare arm with his index finger. She pushed his hand away.

''But it seems you've forgotten that I'm also very bitchy in the morning.'' She warned.

''Still it's worth to see you.'' He answer and she rolled her eyes, going to the kitchen.

''I can make you something, honey.'' She said to Tyler who was drinking milk from the bottle.

''No, thanks.'' He said.

''I wouldn't say 'no' to your pancakes.'' Russ said just behind her.

''I wasn't talking to you.'' She growled.

''I know, I figured out from the 'honey' part.''

''So, Mom? What are you saying? Where should we be having our dinner?'' Tyler asked. ''I was thinking about this small Greek restaurant near dad's place. It's quite cheap and the food is really good.''

''Whatever...'' Jo sighed. But then she looked at her son, seeing a hint of disappointment in his eyes. After all this dinner was for him and she could tell that her lack of interest in the choice of the restaurant meant to Tyler that she didn't care about him. ''I think it will be great for a lovely evening.'' She said, smiling at him.

''That's great.'' Tyler smiled back. ''So I'll be going, I have to be in the library at 10. See you on Friday, mom.'' He said, kissing her cheek.

''I guess you're in a hurry too, Russ.'' Jo said firmly, looking directly into his eyes.

''Not really...'' He chuckled. ''But I know that if I stay you will kick me out sooner or later.''

''Rather sooner.'' She said seriously.

''OK, bye then.'' He said, leaning over and for a moment she got an impression he was aiming for her lips. She turned her head quickly, making his lips landed on the corner of her mouth. He pulled away and smiled. ''Can't wait till Friday.'' He whispered and then turned around and followed Tyler.

. . .

''So... Are we going?'' Mac said, entering Jo's office. She wanted to say that unfortunately something had came up unexpectedly, but she already had excused herself like that twice and this time she really shouldn't do that. Not to mention that she had promised to help him.

''Sure...'' She said, throwing her phone into a bag and standing up. Mac held her jacket for her and she sighed. Christine was one lucky woman. Mac would be really spoiling her with gestures like that. They made it to the street in complete silence, as Jo really didn't feel like talking and she was always the one to start their usual chitchat.

''I think we should start with this big jewelery store round the corner.'' She said, hoping that she would manage to convince Mac to some random ring quickly. And then she would be able to go home alone and sink into her misery.

''OK.'' He agreed.

They entered the store and headed to the glass counter with rings. There seemed to be like hundreds of them and Jo cursed silently, thinking about spending hours in this place, as Mac seemed really determined to find 'the right one'.

''Holy crap...'' Mac groaned and Jo couldn't help but smirk.

''OK. Let's make it easier.'' Jo started. ''It should be gold, right?''

''I guess...''

''Diamond one?''

''That's classy, right?'' He looked at her doubtfully.

''With one big diamond? The classy one? Or something modern?''

''I think Christine would like the classy one.''

''OK, that's a good start.'' Jo sighed.

''How can I help you?'' The seller asked.

''We would like to see some engagement rings.'' Jo said.

''Oh.'' He gasped, looking at Mac, than at Jo, than again at Mac. ''I thought that choosing a ring with a future fiancée is considered bringing bad luck...'' He started, but stopped immediately. Mac sent him an amused look and Jo looked daggers at him.

''Could you show us this one...'' Jo pointed out. ''This one. This one... And maybe this one. Oh, and this one too.'' He started to pull out rings that Jo was pointing out. After a while there was like twenty of them lying on the counter.

''So... has any caught your attention?'' Jo asked. Mac was turning his eyes from one to the other.

''Gosh, I really don't know.'' He groaned.

''OK, let's try another approach.'' She said, slightly irritated. She was really fed up with this situation and wished it would be over as soon as possible. ''Try to guess which one would Christine choose for herself. Which one would she like the most.''

Mac looked at the rings again, scratching his head.

''I have no idea. They look all the same to me.''

''Yeah, but they wouldn't to her.'' Jo groaned. ''Come on, focus!''

''It's not that easy, really...''

''You can't even take a guess?'' Jo asked.

''But what if my guess will be wrong?''

_Then I will take it and marry you, as I really don't care about the ring, only about you._ Jo wanted to say, but she bit her tongue.

''OK, let's make a try. Guess which one I like the most among those inside this counter.'' She challenged.

Mac leaned over the glass surface, studying the rings placed inside. They really looked all the same to him! But suddenly one caught his attention. It was made of platinum, very simple and modern, with two small diamonds and a bigger amethyst in the middle. He could totally picture it on Jo's finger.

''I would choose this one, I guess.'' He said, pointing it out with his finger and Jo suddenly rose her head, looking at him, surprised. It was exactly the one that had caught her attention, as it was delicate and different from the others. She cleared her throat and said:

''Yeah, it could do. I like it.'' She said calmly.

Mac smiled. It wasn't that hard. He knew Jo didn't like golden jewelery and that her favorite color was violet. And the ring was beautiful in its simplicity. Just like...

''Now, try the same with Christine.'' Jo asked, breaking into his thoughts.

''Errr...'' He leaned again over the rings that were lying on the counter. ''That one, maybe?'' He said, choosing one with a big diamond. It look like an egg, with a rich, gold ornament around it. Jo stopped herself from wrinkling her nose as she didn't like it at all. Not to mention it was probably the most expensive one among those that were lying on the counter.

''You sure?'' She asked.

''No...'' He sighed.

''I guess it's kinda hard to chose something for someone you don't really...'' Jo started but stopped, thinking that it wasn't the best idea to point out that Mac didn't really know Christine as he wasn't really able to tell what she would like to get. She turned her gaze away, blushing slightly. ''Sorry, I didn't mean to...''

''It's OK.'' Mac cut her off. He thought there was a point in what she was going to say. He didn't really know Christine. They had known each other for a long time, but he didn't know her. Maybe if they were spending more time together it would be different. Or maybe not, as several times he had caught himself on not listening to her, finding what she was saying not quite that fascinating. ''I think she will like this one.'' He said more firmly, although he still wasn't sure. But he didn't want Jo to think that he was going to propose to a woman he barely knew.

''So, are you buying it?'' Jo asked, feeling a little sparkle of hope that maybe he had changed his mind as well as his plans and he wasn't going to propose anymore.

''Yes.'' Mac said and the sparkle went down.

. . .

Jo leaned against the wall and covered her face with her hands. Her head was pounding and she felt sick. But it was nothing in comparison to the feeling of being helpless. In a couple of last hours she looked through those three rooms over and over again. There was nothing they could use to localize the place where Grace was being held by her kidnapper. Her parents had come to the precinct in the evening, reporting that she hadn't return from school. _Surveillance_ camera placed on the parking outside the school had registered that she hadn't gotten to the school bus on her way back, instead she had gotten into some car. The car belonged to 34 years old Jeremy Steel, who had spent 7 years in jail for child molestation and had been released only 3 months back. They had been combing his apartment for 9 hours now, trying to find anything that could lead them to the place where he had taken Grace. Lindsay and Danny stayed at the lab and they had already processed all evidence twice that she and Mac had collected, but there were no leads.

She groaned, loud enough for Mac to hear her from the other room.

''Jo... I think we should leave the place. We've already checked everything multiple times.'' Mac said, coming closer to her.

''And still we've got nothing.'' She complained. ''There has to be something! We have to dig deeper!''

He smiled hearing her, but it was a sad smile. He knew she was stubborn and the last one to give up, but he also knew there was almost no chance that they could have missed something important. But he nodded and started to check the room inch after inch again. After almost half an hour Jo reached for the newspaper that was placed on the table near the window. She had already checked it; it was from yesterday, slightly crumpled as it had been read. It was also folded in half and when she unfolded it, she noticed that it was opened on page 12. She turned a few pages, wanted to see what was on the first page. 'Cruise ship in Maine orders 2,000 lobsters', she read. _Now, that's real news._ She thought. She was just about to put the newspaper down, when something caught her attention. The small amount of paper in the corner of the first page was torn away. It could be bought like that, but it could be used for something else. Her eyes widened at the thought. Like for writing something on it and then tearing it out. She looked at the third page, moving closer to the window. When light fall on it at the certain angle she was able to see the impressions of the pen that was used to write something on the first page.

''Mac, look.'' She called him. He moved closer, studying the newspaper she was holding.

''Is that... an address?'' He asked.

. . .

Mac looked down at his phone. They should get some news from Flack any second now, as the unit was send to the place 40 minutes ago. The address Jo found on the newspaper was the place where the old magazines were, so they would make a perfect hiding.

He looked across the main hall of the precinct. Jo was sitting with Grace's parents, trying to calm their down. Although he could tell, she was nervous herself. This case was just too emotional for her, as Grace was almost Ellie's age and she was going to the school in the same neighborhood. When it came to cases involving children he always found himself feeling relieved he didn't have kids, as he couldn't imagine going through something like that, he couldn't imagine greater loss than losing a child. His phone rang and tore him out of his thoughts.

''Taylor.'' He answered it mechanically.

''Mac... we got here too late. She's dead.'' Flack said.

Mac didn't answer, only hung up. He raised his head and met Jo's questioning look. He shook his head slightly and he knew that she understood as she closed her eyes. She took a deep look and turned to parents, sharing the horrible news with them. It was barely seconds when he was able to hear mother screaming. Her husband tried to hold her, calm her down, but he was unable, as he was crying himself. She stood up and face Jo.

''That's not true! Tell me she's fine!'' She yelled. Mac rose from his seat and moved to them, as he got the feeling she was frantic in her sorrow and she could somehow harm Jo. ''You told me, you'd do everything to find her!''

''I'm sorry, I'm really sorry...'' Jo repeated over and over again.

''You promised!'' She cried out brokenly. ''You lied to me...'' She said and started to sob uncontrollably. Her husband pulled her into his arms, holding her up, as without that she would sink to the floor.

Mac looked at Jo. Her hands were trembling and she was looking like she was just about to start crying as well.

''Jo...'' He started, but she raised her right hand, quieting him. Then she turned away and made her way out, heading for the interrogation rooms.

Mac gave her a minute and then he went after her. He found her sitting on a bench in the corridor, her right hand covering her eyes.

''Jo, are you OK?'' He asked gently.

''No, I'm pretty far from being OK!'' She snapped. ''I should have checked this newspaper earlier! Then they could get there in time...''

''Jo, it's not your fault.'' He said.

''Isn't it? Try to explain it to them!'' She pointed out in the direction of the hall. He saw tears rolling down her cheeks. ''For God's sake, she was just a kid!'' She cried in frustration. ''If that was...'' She chocked at her words, not being able to say out loud something like that could happen to her daughter. ''I would never forgive...'' She buried her face in her hands. He didn't say anything, only sat next to her and put his arm around her, pulling her closer. He knew it was very hard day for her and all those emotions gathered during it just found an outlet. After a short while she calmed down and stopped crying.

''I'm just so angry at myself...'' She whispered.

''Jo, I was there with you. I could have checked it as well. But I didn't.'' He said. ''And if not for you, her parents still wouldn't know what happened to their daughter.''

''I know.'' She murmured.

''Come on, let me drive you home.'' He offered, standing up and pulling her up as well.

''Thanks, but it's not necessary.'' She said.

They went outside the precinct and she headed for her car, but he stopped her.

''You sure you can drive?'' He asked, but she didn't have a chance to answer as she heard someone's calling Mac's name. Then she saw Christine rushing towards them.

''Mac! What the hell happened? You forgot that I've asked you to come to my restaurant at 5 pm?'' She asked rebukingly.

''I didn't forget. We've got really tough case...'' He tired to explain, but she cut him off.

''And you didn't even manage to call me?'' She asked again in the same tone, but he didn't answer this time. Jo silently agreed with him. There was no point, as Christine obviously knew better and what was more important. ''Come on, I have to go back to the restaurant.'' She hurried him, pulling the sleeve of his coat.

''Jo, you'll be OK?'' He asked, turning around to face her, while Christine was already dragging him down the street.

''Sure, no worries.'' She answered and he smiled at her, then turned around and placed his arm over Christine's shoulder. Jo looked at them as they walked away. She sighed, thinking it would be so nice to have someone with whom she could spend the rest of the day, who would keep her mind away from the misery of what had happened. Jo wasn't surprised that Mac wanted to spend the rest of this awful day in Christine's company. She was interested in anything but his work and it was certain that they wouldn't be talking about it. She was young, she was pretty, she could cook very well... She just seemed to be perfect to make Mac's life more simple and enjoyable.

. . .

As Jo returned home, the first thing she did was head for Ellie's room. She was sitting at her desk, doing homework, so Jo crouched next to her chair and hugged her tightly.

''Yyy... Mom! What are you doing?'' Ellie moaned, barely able to breath.

''I'm so happy that I have you.'' Jo whispered. ''My beloved sweetie.''

''Mom? You OK?'' Ellie asked, slightly concerned.

''Yes.'' Jo said, smiling at her and standing up. ''You have to get used to this. I'm getting old and more and more sentimental.'' She joked.

''Oh, gosh.'' Ellie groaned, rolling her eyes.

''I'm going to lie down.'' Jo said, leaving Ellie's room.

''But you remember we are going to have a dinner at 8?'' Ellie yelled from her room.

''Oh, crap...'' Jo sighed. She fell on her bed and thought she didn't really feel like going out for this dinner. She would love to put on her cozy pajamas and spend evening in her bed with a box of chocolate and mint ice cream, watching some silly TV shows. But she knew Tyler would be really disappointed if she wasn't there.

''Mom!'' Ellie yelled from the living room. ''Are you getting ready?''

''Yeah, I am.'' Jo groaned, pulling herself up reluctantly. She moved to her closet and pulled out first dress that she reached. She didn't really care what she wore or how she looked. She already wanted this evening to be over. She started to get dressed, then moved to bathroom to apply her make up.

''Mom! Hurry up! The cab is already here!'' Ellie yelled again.

''I'm coming, I'm coming!'' Jo yelled back. She was fumbling with her hair, trying to make it look as straight as possible, but somehow it didn't want to cooperate. She sighed seeing her expression in the mirror. ''What's even the point in that...'' She groaned, putting down a hairbrush and leaving her bedroom.

''Wow! You look nice!'' Ellie exclaimed seeing her.

''Do I?'' Jo asked, without any coquetry, really unsure of herself.

''Sure! I love this dress.''

Jo looked down at herself. The dress she was wearing was black and lacy, not to short, just above the knee, but giving Jo a chance to present her long legs, which were looking really stunning as she was wearing black high heels.

''Are you ready?'' Jo asked Ellie, who looked at her mother, frowning her eyebrows.

''Yeah! You can't see it?'' She asked rhetorically. Jo glanced at her daughter. She was wearing nice navy dress with red belt and red flats. She was also wearind red earrings and delicate red beads. Jo smiled.

''You look great, hon. I really like the contrast.''

''Thanks.'' Ellie said nonchalantly, her features softened. Jo moved closer to her and brushed a curl from her forehead, then suddenly she hugged her very tightly.

''Mom...'''Ellie whimpered, finding it hard to breath. ''Are we going?'' She asked again, when Jo finally let go off her.

''Yes, yes, we are.'' Jo said and they left their apartment.

When they arrived at the restaurant it was already 9 pm. Ellie was the first one to spot Tyler and Russ and she made her way to the table quickly. When Russ spotted her and Jo he stood up.

''Hi, sis!'' Tyler greeted Ellie, hugging her tightly.

''Hey! You'll strangle me!'' She squeaked while laughing.

''Hello, Ellie'' Russ said, glancing at her and Jo was able to notice how she stopped laughing immediately and tensed slightly.

''Hello.'' She answered back, glowering at him, but Russ was already looking somewhere else – his eyes where glued to Jo.

''Good evening, beautiful.'' He said as she reached the table.

''Hi, Russ.'' She answered back, saying hello to Tyler in between. She looked at the table they picked up. It was in the corner, with a little sofa at two sides and two chairs. She saw that Ellie was just about to take her place on the sofa, but Russ pulled a chair for her and showed her the place by his hand, helping her to move the chair closer to the table as she sat. Before Jo had a chance to react Tyler sat on the other chair, leaving the sofa for his parents.

Jo sat almost at the end of it, as Russ sat in the middle. She didn't look at him, although she could feel his eyes on her all the time. Tyler was telling some funny stories from college, that made Ellie laugh every now and then, and Jo tried to focus on listening to them as well, but somehow she found it not that easy. She reached for her glass, taking a sip of wine and she smiled lightly. That taste was familiar; it was her favorite semi-dry, red, Californian wine. She knew it wasn't a coincidence, Russ knew her just too well. She turned to him and smiled lightly.

''You still remember stuff like that?'' She asked softly.

''I remember everything that concerns you, Jo.'' He whispered in a low voice, looking deeply in her eyes. ''If I knew you would be getting even more beautiful with every year I would never have agreed on our separation.'' He added.

''Divorce.'' She corrected him, slightly annoyed that he had a habit of calling it separation, like he wanted to pretend in front of himself that it wasn't definite end of their marriage.

''I was the greatest fool ever, letting such a treasure like you slip right through my hands.'' He added, leaning even closer towards her. She was very much aware that she shouldn't be paying attention to his words. He had been always been a charmer, he talked extremely smoothly, but at the end it occurred that they were only words. But tonight his obvious admiration for her was somehow comforting. She felt his hand on her knee, caressing her gently under the table and it made her feel good and wanted for a moment. But when his hand moved higher, sneaking below the hem of her dress, she crossed her legs, stopping him efficiently. She sent him a look, which was supposed to put him in his place, but she knew it wouldn't work as she saw his cocky smile and his eyes, darkened with desire and sparkling with amusement. He seemed to enjoy her resistance and at the same time his expression was sending a massage that he was sure, she would eventually give up.

Jo was struggling with herself the whole evening. She was balancing on this thin line between letting Russ do what he wanted and trying to refrain herself from starting something she would regret tomorrow. But his attention, his admiration and being constantly seduced by him was making it harder and harder. Actually it was exactly the thing she was afraid of – that she would find it too hard to resist his charm when she would be too close to him, so she had done everything to avoid him. But tonight he was just right there and all she had to do was say 'yes'. And it seemed strangely tempting.

When the dinner was over and Russ had paid, she stood up and instantly felt that drinking four glasses of wine was rather a poor idea. She stumbled slightly, which of course didn't escape Russ's notice. He caught her arm, steadying her.

''I'm fine.'' She told him, lightly embarrassed. ''It's those shoes.''

He looked down, spotting her 4 inches black pumps.

''I've heard somewhere that high heels were invented by a woman who got really fed up with being kissed on the forehead.'' He joked. ''Is that an issue here?'' He asked, placing his both hands on her waist.

''I don't know, Russ. Is it?'' She asked back. He smirked and leaned closer to her, his lips on the same level as her forehead, so he pressed a kiss there.

''Nope, you're still too short.'' He teased and she shook off his hands.

''It's not me, who's too short, it's you who's too tall.'' She bit back, heading towards the exit.

''Mom, I don't think it is possible to catch a cab here.'' Ellie complained. ''I've been trying for 5 minutes now.''

''I will drive you home.'' Russ offered. ''My car is just around the corner.''

''OK then.'' Jo agreed.

Russ dropped Tyler off in front of his dorm and then headed for Jo's place. When they arrived he pulled over and turn off the engine.

''Thanks a lot.'' Ellie said and got off the car quickly.

''Yeah, thanks a lot.'' Jo repeated after her and tried to got out as well, but Russ stopped her.

''How about I accompany you to your apartment, just to make sure your both get home safe and you offer me a cup of coffee for being a hero?'' He said, looking into her eyes.

''I don't think it's a good idea.'' Jo answered. ''And we are big girls. Well, at least I am.''

''I enjoy taking care of big girls even more.'' He teased and before Jo had a chance to come up with some witty retort he got off the car and quickly moved to the passenger's door, opening them for Jo. He gave her his hand, helping her to get out. Then he went with her and Ellie towards the main entrance of the building.

. . .

A spoon dropped to the floor with a loud twang and Jo cursed quietly, reaching for it. Her hands were shaking and she knew very well why. She could feel Russ's eyes on her body. He was standing behind her, watching her every move. They were alone, as the moment they had reached Jo's apartment Ellie had announced she's going to the bathroom and then to sleep.

''Do you still wear those sexy hold-ups?'' Russ asked and Jo turned abruptly to face him, not sure if she had heard him right. ''I guess you remember what they were doing to me.'' He said, smirking and Jo couldn't help but think about those times when he had asked her to leave them on when they were making love. She felt a flush creeping up her neck, to her face and she was sure, she had a heavy blush on her cheeks.

''Ah! You do remember.'' Russ smiled, approaching her. She made one step backwards, swallowing hard. ''The whole night I've been wondering if you are wearing them beneath this dress. And I think you are.'' He smirked again. ''Black ones. With lace tops that hug your thighs so nicely. Black lace on your creamy thighs.'' He closed his eyes and groaned. ''And black, lace panties. Slightly sheer.''

''Russ...'' Jo wanted to stop him, but her voice was too weak.

''And a matching black, lace bra. Low-cut, showing off your cleavage.'' He added, opening his eyes. ''I can picture you like that without any difficulties. Anytime I want.'' Russ said, moving closer to her. Again, she moved back, but only a little, as her back made a contact with a wall.

''Jo...'' Russ whispered, looking into her eyes. His voice so low, so deep, it sent a shiver down her spine. He placed his hands on the wall beside her, trapping her with his own body and leaning slowly towards her. ''I know you want this.''

She knew she should react somehow, push him away or even slap him. But she was like enchanted, not able to move or to speak, not able to do anything. She felt so empty inside, not wanted, not loved. Russ's admiration and his hunger for her was flattering. She didn't want to feel so lonely, she craved for some touch, for some caress. She wanted someone to hold her, to lull her to sleep, to ensure that everything would be alright.

She knew very well it wasn't Russ, who she desired. But she couldn't be with the one she really wanted and it was making her feel really bad. She was aware that giving herself to Russ wouldn't make it any better. He couldn't replace Mac. But Russ's big frame, broad shoulders, hard chest... everything about him seemed so well known and somehow comforting. So she didn't do anything when one of his hands sneaked beneath her dress, between her knees, caressing her inner thigh, moving higher and higher. She could feel his fingers skimming over her bare skin above the lace and she closed her eyes, giving into the sensation.

''Mmm. I was right.'' Russ whispered close to her ear, then he kissed her neck. She titled her head, granting him more access and she sighed feeling his tongue on her sensitive flesh. ''God, I've almost forgotten how good you taste.'' He groaned.

His other hand moved to her back and he slowly unzipped her dress, his fingers caressing her spine all the way down. Then he pushed her dress off her shoulders and let it fall to the floor. She felt his hands moving away and she knew he pulled back in order to watch her. She didn't open her eyes, but she knew he smiled as he saw he was right about everything he had said. This cocky smile of his, that she used to love and then started to hate. Everything about him was making her feel confused. She remembered exactly why she had fallen for him. She was aware how charming he could be and she felt vulnerable as he knew very well what to say and what to do in order to make her knees go week. And tonight she just had no strength to resist him. Usually she kept repeating to herself it wasn't working on her anymore, but the truth was he always had been. There was always this spark, as he was the man she used to love so much.

But at the same time it didn't feel right. His voice, his touch, all this seemed so strangely distant, like it wasn't her being pinned by him against the wall. She was hardly responding, but he seemed to not mind, consumed by his own desire. She barely registered when he unclasped her bra and removed her panties. His hands started to roam frantically over her breast and ribcage, not caring if he pinched or bruise her sensitive skin. And she didn't care either. She barely felt anything.

''Can you feel what you're doing to me?'' Russ groaned, pressing his body into hers even more. ''I got the hard on only from watching you and imagine things I could do to you.'' He wanted to kiss her, but she hid her face in a crook of his neck.

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to think it wasn't Russ who was doing that to her. She thought about man she really loved, this gentle, caring man who chose another woman, not her. She wanted to force her mind to think that she was with Mac.

But she found it not possible as Russ moved into her with one forceful thrust. She bit down on her lower lip, stopping herself from crying out, as she wasn't prepared for that and it hurt really badly. His movements were rough and needy. He almost lifted her off ground with the force of his thrusts and she had no choice but to wrapped her legs around his waist, which allowed him to bury himself even deeper, causing her more pain. His hands were holding her hips tightly, his fingers sorely digging into her flesh, her back slamming over and over again against the wall. And all she could feel was pain and sorrow. One single tear escaped from beneath her squeezed eyelid, but she knew he wouldn't be able to register it. He was too busy with finding his own release. She knew it would be over soon, as it had never been long for him to come. And she wasn't mistaken. Her name was on his lips as after so many years, again, she let him mark her as his.

She slid her legs down and moved away from him, wanting to break the contact between them as soon as possible. But as she did so, she felt herself being lifted from the floor, as Russ swept her easily into his arms and carried to bed. He laid her down and she turned away from him. Yet he pressed his chest to her back, placing his heavy arm over her waist. He buried his face in a nape of her neck.

''Mmmm, babe... That was incredible. As always with you.'' He whispered. Soon she could feel his breathing slowed down and she knew he fall asleep. It was when she let her tears go freely down her face. She felt truly unhappy. She failed in every role she tried to fulfill; she was never as good as she wanted to be. For Grace's parents she was the one who hadn't tried hard enough. For Mac she was only his friend. For Ellie she was only her foster mother. And for Russ she was only a body, he used for his own pleasure.

. . .


	2. blue skies from pain?

. . .

Jo woke up early in the morning, feeling quite uncomfortable. She was hanging on the edge of the bed, close to falling from it. Her whole body was stiff and she was cold, as she wasn't covered at all. She guessed she was moving away from Russ through the night, but he just kept moving after her, eventually placing his heavy arm possessively over her waist.

She tried to slowly and gently move away from him, without waking him up. It took her couple of minutes, but she eventually managed to. She shivered because of the cold and quietly pulled some warm clothes from the wardrobe. She headed to the bathroom, one last time glancing at Russ. She sighed with relief, seeing he was still soundly asleep. She knew she probably should wake him up, tell to get dress and kick him out. She really wanted to, but she was afraid it wouldn't be that easy after last night.

Fully dressed and feeling a little warmer, she went to the kitchen, wanting to make herself a cup of hot tea. While waiting for the kettle to boil, she started to mentally scold herself for what had she done last night. She already knew it was a huge mistake. She had wanted to forget about the pain and sorrow she was feeling, but instead of that she just added a new load of those, making herself feel even worse. She felt really bad thinking about letting Russ making love to her. _Making love._ She thought bitterly. _It wasn't even close to that. It was just fucking. _She wasn't really fond of this term, finding it extremely vulgar, but actually it seemed to be the only one that was appropriate. In fact it was rather fitting, as it was quick and hard. Too hard, she was still feeling sore.

Sipping her tea and looking through the window, she got lost in her thoughts. She couldn't help but wonder how it would be like to wake up in Mac's arms. He probably would be awake first, as he seemed to be used to a very little amount of sleep. She could bet he was already awake by now, as it was almost 6 am. She imagined him lying next to Christine in a bed, resting himself on his elbow and watching her while she was still sleeping. She felt a large lump forming in her throat thinking of her. She wished it was just jealousy that she felt, but it was something else. Jealousy always felt like a nasty stabs to her chest, but this feeling was so much worse. It was like someone was tearing her heart into pieces, one by one, leaving her so very empty. It was overwhelming sorrow caused by the fact she had missed her chance, she hadn't even tried, she had just watched how he had chosen another woman. And of course, she wasn't at all sure if she could have any chances with him. But at the end it was so obvious that regretting something she hadn't done was so much more frustrating than regretting doing something wrong.

The thought that she couldn't even be jealous of Mac made her feel even worse. She had no right to be jealous, as he had never been hers and he would never be. Tears started to sting her eyes, threatening to go down her cheeks. Jo had always been happy with who she was, she was proud of her achievements and how far she'd come, proud of the family she'd raised. Now things were so much more complicated, her emotions were a minefield, one step out of line and there is a huge disaster. The extent of the hate that she directed on herself was insane, she knew it was. There was just one problem, she wasn't her. For the first time in her existence she thought she would rather be someone else. Nothing seemed to matter, her intelligence, her southern charm, her sense of humor. In a flash, she would give it all up to be her, because that was who Mac was attracted to. Hell, attracted to wasn't the right word – he wanted to be engaged, get married!

A shiver ran up and down her spine, ownership had always been an issue for her, now the issue was the lack of it. Mac didn't want her, he wanted the other woman. More than anything she wanted to be that woman. She wanted to be introduced by Mac to his friends as he'd done for her, as his lady, all the while resting his hand on the small of her back. She wanted his arms around her as they fell asleep. There was no two ways about it, she would step into Christine's shoes in a heart beat if it meant she could wake up in Mac's arms.

Startled, she jumped when Russ sneaked his arms around her waist. Her mind started to scream she needed to release from his embrace. It just felt so wrong when the other man was occupying her every thought. But her body was frozen. She was unable to feel anything or to move away from him. She felt his lips on her neck and her heart didn't quicken its pace, not even slightly. She wanted to be lying in a warm bed, cuddled in the arms of the man she loved, but she was here, held by the man who was like a stranger to her heart. And it felt like being in the middle of nowhere.

''You ran away from me.'' Russ complied in a playful tone. ''I was kinda disappointed when I woke up, as I hoped for a second round.'' He whispered. ''I remember you used to enjoy it even more in the morning.'' He added and she tensed, as suddenly she became more than aware of the unpleasant throbbing pain between her legs. It was the only memory of the last night she hadn't be able to push away to the dark corner of her mind, the aching was just to real.

''Russ, I have to go to work.'' She answered, trying to free herself from his embrace, but his hold was too tight.

''Can't you be a little late?'' He asked pressing his lower body into hers, making her realize how hard he already was. ''You could tell you had some... huge thing to take care of.'' He teased, moving his one hand down, across her stomach, beneath the hem of her pants. She quickly covered it with her own, stopping him effectively.

''No, I can't.'' She stated firmly, although her voice was a little shaky, as she got this awful feeling that he wouldn't give up easily, being really determined to satisfy his needs again. And only his.

''Come on... sweetie. I'll be really quick.'' He offered, nibbling on her neck.

''Russ, I said no.'' Jo warned, trying to make her voice be as steady as she could. ''And stop that, you'll leave marks.'' She added, feeling him sucking on the skin of her neck.

''Good. Everybody will know that you're taken.'' He said and sunk his teeth in her delicate flesh. She gasped in pain and jerked away from him.

''Are you crazy?! That hurt!'' She spat out angrily. The pain, although it was evidential, she could bare. What she couldn't was the thought he did it on purpose; in order to mark her as his, almost like she was his possession.

''Since when you are so over-delicate? I remember we used to have so much fun keeping it a little rough.'' Russ said with a smirk. Jo started to tremble, seeing he was anything but sorry.

''I really think you should go now.'' She said and he made the last attempted to change her mind, tracing his index finger across her cheek. Yet it wasn't much of a caress, more like silently telling her she was just silly in her resistance. She shook his hand off angrily and he smiled.

''OK.'' He said to Jo's relief. ''But I will be thinking about you all day long.'' He added, causing the uneasiness to crawl over her again.

. . .

Mac leaned in his seat and glanced again on the two piles of papers on his desk. One, significantly smaller, was consisted of things he had already taken care of. But the other one was still looking more like a huge tower made of papers. He sent it an angry look, wishing it could shrink just from his gaze.

It was that very moment when Jo should enter his office, making this miserable morning much more pleasant. It was her daily routine now. Everyday when she showed up at work she step into his office, offering him a cup of coffee, or some kind of sweet snack, or just her smile. And to be honest, he considered the last thing as the best of them all. He smiled at the thought that her beaming smile was always like a fuel to his engine – it really made easier for him to keep going during the whole day when he saw it in the morning. And he didn't even realize that until now, when he found it extremely hard to start a day without it.

He shook his head. It was like an addiction. The fist time he had gotten around her he had felt so unbelievably comfortable. Her feminine warmth was making him feel better, no matter what. For a long time he didn't even want to admit to himself that he craved for her company that much. Her tiniest gesture or one word could pour some comfort into his aching heart. Not once and not twice he realized that he was looking for some rather silly excuses to somehow come into her way. Sometimes it was just ridiculous, but nobody questioned it, as it was he who was the boss.

And she seemed to enjoy his company as well. She never left the lab without saying goodbye or goodnight to him, even when she was running on fumes and he knew the only thing she was dreaming about was climbing into her bed and falling asleep. And because of that sometimes he stayed longer than he should, just wanting to see her before going home. Several times he even managed to maneuver himself around the lab in such a way he was just heading home as well the moment she popped in to farewell him, which made a perfect opportunity to walk her out to her car and to spend even more time with her. He knew those tricks were rather pathetic, but he just couldn't help himself. She was like a drug to him, he needed his daily doze.

Hr glanced at the watch. It was already 9.22 am, which meant she was more than a little late. He checked his phone, to see if he had gotten any massage from her, but there was none. He just raised his eyes from the phone's screen when the elevator's door went open and Jo step out from it. Mac smiled involuntary when seeing her, but much to his disappointment, she headed straight to her office, quickly disappearing from his sight and not even looking once in his direction. He frowned his eyebrows.

_Is she afraid that I will scold her because of being late?_ He wondered. _Nah, it can't be that._ _She probably is more than aware now that I am simply unable to be angry at her even for a minute._ He rose from his seat, thinking about some possible excuse that would make his visit to her office more believable. But he had come with none.

_Oh, whatever... _He thought, heading to the kitchen annex and starting the coffee machine. If she could pop up into his office every morning he could do that at least once, offering her a cup of coffee. He reached for two mugs. Hers was violet with a white text ''Sweet home, Alabama''. He smiled when he saw it, as the sight of it always made him think about her southern charm and this lovely accent of hers. The other mug was white, with this cliché text about loving NYC. He poured coffee into them, sweetening up and adding some milk to hers, as he knew that's the way she liked it. Then he headed to Jo's office. She was alone in it, as Lindsay was coming to work on afternoon shift today. Jo was sitting at her desk, keeping some folder opened in front of her, but she wasn't reading it, as he could see her eyes were stuck in one point and she seemed to be lost in her thoughts. He knocked quietly on the door and entered.

''Hi, Jo.'' He said and she looked up.

''Hi.'' She answered. And there was no smile.

''How are you?'' He asked, approaching her.

''I'm fine.'' She said and the corners of her mouth went slightly up, but this smile didn't travel to her eyes. They weren't as shinny as usually.

''I made you a coffee.'' He said, looking at her desk and trying to find some free spot to place it, but there was none, so he sent her a hopeless look. She smirked and reached out for the mug.

''Thank you.'' She took a sip and smiled lightly. He could tell she was pleased that he remembered how she liked her coffee and that he made it especially for her. But she didn't say anything.

Mac took a closer look of her. She looked slightly tired, dark circles beneath her eyes were almost invisible, but they were there. He noticed she wasn't wearing any make up and he smiled. She had probably overslept and that's why she was late and a little cranky. But then he saw some strange redness on her neck. It looked like a bruise, but it was hard for him to imagine she could incidentally bruised in such place. So maybe... could it be a hickey? He wasn't sure. Of course he knew how a hickey looked like, after all he used to be young once, but this one looked really nasty, like she had been bit brutally. Like someone had intentionally marked her.

She looked at him and she saw he had noticed the red mark on her neck. Her hand instinctively went to it and she covered it, wincing a little. She met his questioning gaze and she felt a heavy blush creeping up her cheeks.

''I've burned myself with a curler.'' She explained, being proud that she managed to come up with a lie that quickly. But it seemed it wasn't the perfect one.

''With a curler?'' He asked, thinking that he had never seen her with curls before.

''I mean straightener.'' She corrected herself quickly, but his detective sense was already awakened. _Was that possible for a woman to mistake those two?_ He wondered. But he didn't manage to come to any conclusion before Jo's phone rang and brought him back to the reality. He saw how she pull it out from her purse a little too angrily and push the red button, declining the call without even looking at the caller's ID. He glanced at her, frowning his eyebrows. Something definitely wasn't right there and he was just about to ask her what was going on, when her phone started to ring again.

''Oh, for God's sake!'' She muttered, declining the call again and switching the phone off completely.

''Jo... is everything fine?'' He asked. She looked at him and felt like drowning into his clear, blue orbs. She wanted to cry out that nothing was fine, that she just wanted him to take her in his arms and never let go again. But she hadn't any right to do that. It was Christine who had.

''Everything is just great.'' She answered, trying not to sound too sarcastic. ''I am supposed to meet Sid at autopsy.'' She said, standing up. ''Thanks for the coffee.'' She added, smiling lightly, but it was just a miserable shadow of her usual smile. And then she left, leaving him worried and confused.

. . .

The first thing Jo did after coming back to her apartment, kicking off her shoes and taking off her coat, was sink on the coach. It had been a really hectic day and all she was dreaming of, was taking a quick, hot shower and crawling into a bed. She reached to her pocket and pulled out her phone. She switched it on, groaning, as she saw she had 17 unanswered calls and 8 text massages. All from the one number. She deleted them all without reading, then she closed her eyes, sighing deeply.

''Mom?'' Ellie said sitting next to her on the couch. ''You OK?''

''Yes. Just a little tired.'' Jo answered, trying to send her daughter an assuring smile, but it was rather a lame attempt.

''Have you been crying?'' Ellie asked, leaning closer and studying her mother's face.

''No...'' Jo denied. ''My eyes are just sore from staring at the computer's screen.''

''Oh... OK.'' She said, but Jo got the feeling that she wasn't really buying it. She looked at her daughter. She seemed quite concerned.

''C'mere.'' She said in a playful tone and pulled her closer to her.

''Mom!'' Ellie squeaked, pretending she wanted to get free from her mom's embrace.

''Come one, don't be that bad. You know I love to cuddle my little girl.'' She said, suddenly feeling better, being close to the person she truly loved. The heat radiating from Ellie's little body was somehow comforting.

''I'm not that little, you know.'' Ellie groaned, but she hugged her back.

''You know I love you the most? You and your brother.'' Jo said, placing a kiss on the top of Ellie's head. ''And since he's not there, you're the only one who can hug me.'' She added, smiling slightly, as she felt tiny arms wrapping around her waist even more tightly.

''And Tyler's dad?'' Ellie asked quietly and Jo immediately tensed. She couldn't help but notice that Ellie was still using this impersonal term to call him, not even his first name.

''What about him?'' She asked, trying to hide the nervousness that was in her voice. _Is she asking in general? Or she's asking because she heard us last night?_ Jo wondered.

''He stayed for the night yesterday, didn't he?'' Ellie asked, but it was more a statement than a real question. Jo closed her eyes, thinking about what she should tell her. She could have denied it, but she didn't want to lie to her daughter.

''He did, because...'' She wanted to add something in order to justify his stay, but Ellie cut her off.

''Are you back together?'' She asked and Jo thought it was really the one question she didn't want to answer. As she had truly no idea what was the answer to it.

''No.'' She denied quickly, expressing more her hope than a state of reality. ''Where did you get this idea?'' She asked, trying to sound playful, but Ellie seemed serious and worried.

''Mom, I don't want you to be with him.'' She complained, sounding a little childish, like she was saying she doesn't want to eat her broccoli, but there was something very honest in what she said.

''Why?'' Jo asked gently.

''There's something... not right about him. Something... scary.''

''Scary?'' Jo repeated after her, surprised. ''You've known him for years now, Ellie.''

''I know. I just... don't like him.'' She simply said and if it were any other thing, Jo would simply roll her eyes. But with this it was different. Ellie rather seldom made such a clear statements about other people, so her judgment had to be based on something. The thought that maybe Ellie was just jealous crossed Jo's mind, but it was soon gone as Ellie added:

''Couldn't you be with someone else? Someone nice?''

''I guess all nice men are already taken, hon.'' Jo joked bitterly.

''Is Mac taken as well?'' Ellie asked and Jo frowned her eyebrows at her question.

''Mac? He's my boss Ellie.''

''I know that. But... he's nice.'' Jo looked at her, thinking about what her daughter just said. She wasn't sure if Ellie's opinion on Mac was based on her own observation or more on the image of him that Jo had created while talking about their work and him particularly.

''Why do you think so?'' She asked.

''I don't know. He seems really honest.'' Ellie said, shuddering her shoulders and Jo smiled, hearing what adjective among so many her daughter picked up to describe Mac. It was one of the first ones that would come to her mind as well. Good. Caring. Thoughtful. Reliable. And honest. And also in love with another woman.

''He's my good friend, Ellie. And he has a girlfriend.'' Jo said, trying not to sound disappointed.

''That's really bad.'' Ellie sighed and Jo was just about to agree, but she bit her tongue. Nobody could ever find out she was in love with Mac, not even her own daughter.

. . .

Mac parked his car on the street, in front of Christine's restaurant. Although it was quarter past 11 pm, the lights were still on, which meant she still had some clients. He sighed deeply. All he wanted was to grab something delicious to eat, give Christine a lift to his place and spend a nice, quiet evening with her, sitting close to her on the coach, snuggled under the warm blanket. And then go to bed and fall asleep with her in his arms, maybe after some making out of even making love, if she was in the mood. He frowned his eyebrows at the thought, thinking that it was not so often as it used to be a few weeks back. He didn't know what exactly had changed, but sometimes he got himself thinking that the flame that had been between them at the beginning of their relationship was now almost gone. Of course, it was very nice just to be close to someone during the night, as he remembered very well this awful feeling when he was lying alone in the darkness, staring at the ceiling and endlessly counting in his mind seconds till a dawn. In comparison to that holding Christine in his arms while she was sleeping, listening to her steady breathing and heart beating was like heaven. But still, it was so different than being with Claire. With her it had been so easy, he had never found himself wondering if he was happy. He just had felt that way. But with Christine... she had stood up on his way in that very moment, when he had a big, aching whole in his chest instead of his heart. And he had desperately wanted to fill it with some kind of feeling. Any feeling. But then he started to wonder if he put himself into this relationship because he really fell in love with her or maybe he was just fed up with the loneliness to the end of his rope.

He sighed again and got out of his car, heading for the restaurant. He saw that, despite the hour, it was still almost full of people. He went to the kitchen, as he was sure he would find Christine there. And he wasn't mistaken. She was trying to master chaos, doing many things at the same time. She barely registered his entry.

''Hi there.'' He said, smiling shyly.

''Mac, listen...'' She started, stopping as suddenly as she started to speak, in order to taste something that was bubbling in one of pots. ''… I got this event to handle, 25 people from the same company, they are celebrating some big contract. Their catering was just a disaster so they moved in here...'' She looked at him, smiling sadly. ''I guess they won't be leaving until 1 or 2 am.''

''It's OK. I understand.'' Mac answered.

''I'm really sorry for that.'' She said, moving closer to him. She brushed her body against his slightly, smiling coyly. ''I think you should go home and... think about possible ways of me compensate for it... to you.'' She told him between placing soft kisses on his neck. He smiled. It felt so nice. He lowered his head and captured her lips with his. He breathed in smell of peaches, her smell. It was delicious and sweet. So sweet that he found it more and more suffocating with every second. Out of the blue the thought about blackcurrant filled his mind. This sharp, a little sweet and a little raw, somehow refreshing smell. He pulled away, looking at her.

''Are you making something with blackcurrant?'' He asked. She looked at him, rising her eyebrows.

''Blackcurrant? No, I don't. Why?''

''I...'' He started, but then thought it was just silly. ''Never mind.'' He smiled at her. ''OK, so are we seeing each other tomorrow?'' He asked.

''I hope.'' She answered, placing one more quick kiss on his lips.

''Yeah, me too.'' He said, letting go of her. ''I will call you.''  
He headed towards the doors, turning around in order to look at her once more, but she was already paying attention to the one of the pots, stirring its content. He sighed and exited the kitchen.

. . .

At first Jo thought she was dreaming, but the loud sound seemed too real. She opened her eyes, startled out of her sleep way too suddenly. Then her heart started to race as she realized someone was banging on her door. She jumped out from her bed, grabbing her gun from the bedside table's drawer and headed to the hall. She wasn't even close to the door when she heard a voice calling her name.

''Jo! Open this damn door!''

She put her gun down and swore.

''Mom? What's going on?'' Ellie asked, walking out of her room. Jo glanced at her. She was not fully aware of what was happening, as she was shaken awake as well.

''Go back to your room, Ellie.'' Jo said firmly, but her daughter didn't move, looking at her with her eyes wide open. ''Now, Ellie!'' She repeated and much to her relief Ellie finally complied. She walked her with her eyes, then moved closer to the door.

''For God's sake, Russ! It's 3 am!'' She said nervously.

''I don't give a damn! Open up or I will wake up all your neighbors.''

She froze hearing his words, feeling suddenly uneasy. It had nothing to do with what he said, but rather with how he said it. She unlocked the door, leaving them chained and she looked at him. Of course, she was right.

''You've been drinking.'' She stated the obvious.

''Yeah. That's a really funny story, I think you should listen to it. I bumped into Mike today...'' He started, but she cut him off.

''I don't really feel like listening to your drunk chatter in the middle of the night.'' She spat out angrily, trying to close the door, but he stopped her, blocking it with his foot.

''Oh, I really think you should. You remember Mike. He's working at the Family Court right now.''

''Why should I care about some Mike?'' She asked bitterly. She felt ridiculous, standing at her door at 3 o'clock in the morning, talking to her drunk ex-husband. But some part of her was really afraid of what he had came up with.

''Actually talking to him gave me this wicked idea...'' He started to laugh frantically, then he looked at her and said seriously. ''I'm very aware of that you don't want us back together. But I just thought I would give a shot and ask you again about it.''

''Russ...'' She let out a irritated sigh. ''How many times I have to repeat...'' She started, but he interrupted her.

''Wait, wait! I think you should know something first.'' He leaned closer to the ajar door and lower his voice. ''I know what happened on 12th of April 2001. I know what you did.'' He said and looked directly into her eyes, seeing what he wanted to see in them. Panic.

Her heart started to pound like it would jump out of her chest. Of course she remembered that date – it was the day that had changed her life. If some things had gone differently that day she would be a totally different person now.

''And now I'm just wondering... if maybe the Family Court would be interested to hear what happened that day. You know, it could matter for a judge that you...''

''How dare you!'' She snapped out. ''You have no right to say something like that!'' She started to tremble violently because of the emotions she was feeling. She couldn't tell which was stronger – anger or fear. ''You wasn't there, you have no idea what happened!''

''I think I have.'' Russ chuckled. ''But why don't you tell me?'' He teased. ''Just open the door and let me in.''

''You're gotta be kidding me.'' She said, trying to sound calm, but her voice was shaking. ''Get out of here right now.''

''If that's what you want...'' He said, but didn't move, looking at her insolently. ''I can call Mike first thing in the morning. We exchanged phone numbers, you know. I just thought it could get handy at some point.''

Jo swallowed the big lump that formed in her throat. She could feel tears gathering in her eyes.

''You wouldn't do that...'' She whispered, trying to convince herself, but she didn't believe in that. There was something in his attitude that was scaring her. He wasn't the man she used to know, used to love. He was desperate to get what he wanted and since he ran out of the fair means, he was trying the foul ones.

''I'm pretty sure you will find some way to convince me not to do that.'' Russ said with an evil grin.

She felt some cold grip on her heart when she understood what he meant. She wanted to scream in frustration. He knew she would never risk the one she loved the most, the one, who she couldn't loose as it would just rip her heart out, killing her. It was a shot right into her throat, he knew very well he wasn't giving her any chance. He smiled widely when he saw her reaching up, unchaining the door with trembling hands.

. . .

**A/N First of all, thank you very much to everyone who read, reviewed, followed or favorited. It really means a lot to me.**

**Terribly sorry for keeping you wait so long, but I was struggling with this part so much, you can't possibly imagine. Somewhere in the middle I even got this idea to drop off this story, as I really lost the confidence, first in the plot, then in myself, thinking that I am just unable to show it the way I wanted to.**

**Actually I should give a credit for finally posting this part to four lovely ladies who has encouraged me over and over again: my great beta – Christine (NYPD8433), Jessica (csinyfan28), UrbanMuse and csinyfever. Thanks a lot, gals! You have no idea how helpful you are!**

**As always, I'm really curious what you think, so if you have any thought about this chapter that you want to share with me and the others, good or bad, please post a review.**


	3. can you tell a green field

. . .

Jo locked the bathroom door behind her and let out a heavy breath, not even aware that she was holding it. The feeling was just awful, like she was a prisoner in her own home. She felt safe only locked in her bathroom. She looked at herself in a mirror, seeing red eyes and dark circles. She looked tired and miserable. But that wasn't the worst thing. The most scary thought she had was that she looked like a stranger to herself. She studied her impression in the mirror, wondering how it had happened that the control she used to have over her life slipped through her fingers that easily. It only took two days for her to lose all her independence and become captivated in this sick relationship again.

She swallowed hard. She knew very well it was all her fault, as she let him treat her like she was his during the first night and that had awaken all memories in him. And he had started to want more. Now she could only curse her own stupidity. She should know better what to expect from him, she shouldn't let herself for any moment of weakness around him. But she had. She was like a moth, flying closer and closer to the fire, being mesmerized by it and finally getting burnt. She only hoped that she would find enough strength to be around Russ on his conditions until she came up with some solution, as for now she couldn't find any way out from this situation. It was frustrating her to the bone, but the threat was just too real. She couldn't risk it.

She sighed deeply and step into the shower. Warm water cascading down her skin was somehow soothing, but at the same time she could feel his touch on all the same places that water hit. Her face, her neck, breast, stomach, thighs... She choked back a sob, feeling more and more shaken up with every minute. She tried to convince herself it was nothing, it was just sex she didn't want, but her mind screamed too loud to ignore it. She thought about those countless times when she was telling some beaten up, broken girl that showed up at the precinct that it wasn't fine, it wasn't okay from the very first moment she realized she didn't want that and expressed that out loud. And now, how was her situation different? If she had any choice she wouldn't let him do that to her again. But she tried anything to stop from thinking about herself as a victim. She couldn't bear such thought. She was the one who was supposed to help victims, she was the one who should put cruel bastards like Russ away. And yet she couldn't even help herself to get out from this hopeless situation.

She turned off the water and dripping wet she tiptoed to the door. She was able to hear some voice in her bedroom and for a moment she prayed that Ellie was still asleep as her confronting Russ this morning couldn't do anything good. But she heard only Russ's voice. He was talking on the phone with someone, cursing and saying he would be somewhere as soon as possible.

She let out a relieved breath. That meant he would be out of her apartment soon and she would be able to make it to the work on time without having to look at him. She almost jumped out from her skin when Russ knocked on the bathroom door.

''Babe, are you in there?''

She moved away from the door quickly, thanking God that she had locked them.

''Yes.'' She answered.

''I have to run.'' Russ said, but she didn't answered. ''I'll see you in the evening.'' He added and she was able to catch this awful note in his voice again. There was everything in it that she just wouldn't like to hear.

. . .

Jo drove through the parking slightly too fast and parked at her spot, lining up her car not as perfect as she usually did. Then she jumped out of it and hastened to the exit, pushing a button on the pilot in order to lock the car. But there was no sound.

''Damn it!'' She cursed, going back to it, wanting to check out what was wrong.

''I would suggest closing the door first.'' A half serious, half amused voice behind her said.

''Jesus, Mac, you scared the life out of me.''

''Sorry for that. What's with the hurry? You're not late...'' He said looking at his watch. ''At least not yet.''

''For once I wanted to be at work before you, pretending I'm the worker of a year.'' She joked, slamming car's door angrily.

''You OK?'' He asked concerned. She seemed to be nervous and somehow shaken up.

''Yes, I'm fine.''

They moved to the elevator and Mac pressed the button. Then there was this slightly awkward silence between them as Mac was studying her, wanting to know if something was wrong and she desperately tried to push all her emotions down and hide them from him.

''So... what's up?'' Mac asked after a while and Jo looked at him, raising her eyebrow. But she couldn't help but smile. He looked so utterly adorable, trying to find a casual way to start the conversation, yet feeling quite unsure about what to say.

''Shouldn't be me asking that question?'' Jo retorted quickly. ''I'm pretty sure there is more happening in your life than in mine right now.''

''Is that your way of asking if I have proposed?'' He asked, letting her enter the elevator and stepping inside after her.

''Kinda...'' She murmured. The irony of the situation was just too big. That was actually the last thing she would like to hear about this morning. But after all, if someone is beaten up pretty badly, does one more hit make any difference?

''I haven't yet.'' Mac said. ''I was waiting for the right moment, I thought it could be yesterday, but Christine was swamped at work and I ended up alone.'' He said, making a sad face.

_Well, good for you._ Jo thought. She would give up very much to be able to say the same thing about herself.

''I'm sure the perfect moment will come, sooner or later.'' She said quickly and exited the elevator, heading directly to her office. ''See you around, Mac!'' She threw over her shoulder.

He stood in front of the elevator, watching her. Something was definitely not right and she was refusing to talk to him. He never knew what to do in situations like that. And when it was about some other member of the team, it was always Jo who did this unpleasant task of dragging the truth out of the one who was looking troubled. But since this time it was Jo herself, he had no choice than to do it himself.

''Jo, wait.'' He said and hurried after her.

''Yeah?''

''Maybe we could eat a lunch together today?'' He offered.

''Actually I was thinking about skipping lunch, as I would like to get out a little earlier.'' She said. ''If that's okay with you.'' She added quickly, glancing nervously at him, but he just smiled.

''Sure. You have some plans?''

''I promised Ellie I would take her for ice-skating and...''

''Ice-skating! That's fun!'' He cut her off and she looked at him, surprised by his sudden enthusiasm. ''What?'' He asked, seeing her confused expression. ''I really used to love ice-skating when I was a kid. I haven't done it for ages...'' He tried to remember when was the last time when he went to a rink, but he couldn't. Suddenly some idea popped into his head. ''Do you think I can come with you two?'' He asked and she stopped so abruptly, turning to face him, that he almost bumped into her.

''You want to go with us for ice-skating?'' She asked, wondering if she really heard him right.

''Yeah.'' He said and smiled shyly at her. This adorable smile she loved so much, which was always saying: _it would be a really beaming smile, but I'm Mac Taylor, I don't actually smile, so that's the best you can get_. And as always she just couldn't help but smile back.

''Sure, if you want. I usually get really bored on the rink, but Ellie wanted that so much... I told her to meet me downstairs at 5 pm.''

''OK, I'll be there.'' Mac said happily. It seemed like a perfect opportunity for him to watch her close and decide if there was really something bugging her.

. . .

''So? Are you coming?'' Mac asked, heading for a skate rental.

''Me? No, no, I don't skate. I only watch Ellie do that.'' Jo explained.

''You don't?'' He asked surprised. ''Well, now I know why you are always so bored here.''

''Yeah...'' Jo sighed.

''Come on.'' He said, reaching out his hand for her. ''It will be fun.''

''Mac, really, I do not skate.'' She repeated, emphasizing the 'not' part.

''You mean, you can't skate?''

''I've never said that.'' Jo answered quickly, turning her gaze away.

''Jo, you're such a lousy liar.'' He chuckled. ''You can't skate, can you?''

''OK, I can't.'' She finally admitted. ''Happy?''

''I will be, if you come to the rink with me.'' He said, reaching out his hand again and taking hers this time. ''I can teach you.'' He offered. She reluctantly moved towards him.

''Are you sure? I've never worn skates in my life.'' She murmured.

''You know what they say, the very first time is always a little scary, but then it's nothing but a pure fun.'' Mac said, leading her to the place where they could rent skates. _Is it just me or did it sound like some flirty line?_ Jo wondered.

They rent two pairs of skates and Jo put on hers, thinking it was just a terrible idea, as she already could see herself lying flat on the cold ice, not being able even to stand up.

''Did you tie them tightly?'' Mac asked, looking at her.

''I guess...''

''Let me check.'' He crouched at her feet, checking her skates. He tied them a little tighter and then he stood up. ''OK, let's go.''

They entered the rink and Mac skated a few meters away from her, while she stood near the entrance, holding to the railing. He turned his head, looked at her and then he quickly returned to her. He studied her a little closer, seeing her legs trembling, her grip on the railing so tight her knuckles were almost white. And this flash of nervousness in her eyes. For a moment he thought she looked so adorable, but then he promptly placed himself in a position of the one who was responsible for her. He couldn't forgive himself if she ended up getting hurt because he encouraged her to try this.

''Take my both hands. I'll be skating backwards, holding you.''

''You can do that?'' She asked, her eyes winding in surprise.

''It's not that difficult.'' He smiled at her. ''I think you will be able to do that pretty soon, too.''

''I prefer to see where am I heading...'' She murmured, making him smile even wider.

''OK.'' He said, taking her hands and moving slightly backwards.

''Just not too fast!'' She said with a panic in her voice.

''No worries, I'll go really slow.'' He smiled at her and squeezed her right hand reassuringly. ''But you can't be so tense, as you will fall down easily. Relax.'' He said, moving further back, pulling her gently by the hands and making her almost yelp in surprised as she felt her skates slide.

''Easy to say...''

''Bend you knees slightly.'' He ordered and she complied, finally being able to catch her balance. ''See, it's helping.'' He said, smiling at her, seeing how focused she was on watching his own legs and trying to mimic his movements. They slowly skated around the rink when Ellie came closer to them with such speed, that Mac fought the urge to pull Jo closer to him in order to protect her from being knocked down. But much to his relief Ellie managed to gracefully stop centimeters from them.

''Oh my! Mom! You're skating!'' She squealed happily.

''Something like that...'' Jo murmured.

''How did you manage to convince her?!'' She asked Mac. ''I tired like for ages!''

Jo looked up at Mac's face and they smiled to each other. She only hoped he didn't know that she would do everything with him, as she trusted him with her whole life.

''OK, I'm skating away to try some pirouettes!'' Ellie shouted over her shoulder.

''Be careful!'' Jo shouted back and almost lost her balanced as she gazed at her daughter receding from them.

''You too.'' Mac quickly added, gripping her hand tighter and not letting her fall down.

''Damn! It's slippery.'' She complained, making him laugh.

''That's the point, isn't it?''

They moved across the rink for another couple of minutes and Jo started to feel a little more comfortable, finding her balance and rhythm.

''It's not that difficult.'' She said at some point, looking up at his face and smiling.

''So maybe try without holding my hands.'' Mac suddenly said and let go of her, skating a little faster backwards, making a gap between them.

''Mac!'' She yelp in surprised, almost loosing her balance without his securing grip on her hands. But she didn't fall, determined to push herself closer to him and catch his hands. She skated towards him and he grabbed her hands again.

''What?'' He asked playfully, teasing her. ''You managed to do that on your own. I don't think you need me anymore.'' He teased, pulling her slightly, making her move faster and then letting go of her. She gasped, thinking this time she would fall. She almost knocked him off his feet, pushing him into the railing. He brought his arms around her waist, trying to steady them both.

''Sorry.'' She whispered, looking up at him, suddenly aware how nice it felt being held in his arms.

''It's OK.'' He whispered back. ''I think I should teach you now how to stop.''

''Probably good idea.'' She answered back, laughing.

Jo didn't even realize they spend already an hour on the rink, it was Mac who told her that their time was over. When they moved to the bench to remove their skates, Ellie showed up.

''So? How was it?'' She asked Jo.

''It was fun!'' She answered and Mac smiled, seeing big grin at her face.

''Your mom didn't fall even once.'' He said to Ellie.

''Oh, please...'' Jo groaned. ''It was only because you were there to keep me from falling.'' She smiled at him, her eyes shinning and Mac thought she finally looked happy. At least for a moment. ''Without you I would be skating more on my butt then my skates.'' She added.

''I so would like to see that!'' Ellie burst into laughter.

''Oh, you would, wouldn't you?'' Jo said, pulling her closer and tickling her.

''Mom!'' Ellie cried between the uncontrollable laughter. ''Public places rule! Remember?''

''Oh, right.'' Jo sighed and let go of her. ''She's my little girl only at home.'' She explained to Mac, who started to laugh.

''Yeah, I remember being that age when my mom giving me a kiss on the forehead was the worst thing ever.'' He said. ''I think you both deserve a big cup of hot chocolate. My treat.'' He offered.

''Yaaay!'' Ellie exclaimed, showing her approval. Then Mac looked at Jo and saw her smiled was gone, her gaze stuck in some distant point.

''Jo? What do you say to that?'' He asked softly.

''Mom? Come one! It's not like we have to be somewhere...'' Ellie begged. Jo couldn't agree more. And to be honest, she wanted to do as much as possible to postpone their coming back home.

''Sure.'' She smiled at them.

''Give me your skates, I will return them.'' Mac asked and Jo handed him her pair. Their fingers brushed and he frowned his eyebrows, feeling how cold her hand was.

''Your hands are like ice blocks. Don't you have gloves?'' He asked.

''I couldn't find them in the morning.'' Jo shuddered her shoulders, trying to hide her hands in the sleeves of her jacket. Mac just shook his head in disapproval and then he left her and Ellie. He was back in a flash.

''Here, take those.'' He placed something on Jo's lap. It was a pair of black angora gloves. They were simple, but they looked very warmth.

''You bought me gloves?'' She asked, astonished.

''Yup. Wear them. And don't lose them.'' He ordered, making her smirk. ''I was considering the ones on the string, but they didn't have your size.'' He joked, making Ellie laugh out loud.

''Really funny.'' Jo murmured, putting her new gloves and immediately feeling nice warm spreading through her fingers. She looked up at him and he raised his eyebrows, seeing her gaze.

''What?'' He asked and she turned away as quickly as she could, scared that for a moment he was able to see in her eyes what she was truly feeling.

''Nothing.'' She stood up and picked up Ellie's skates. ''Let's go.''

. . .

With Ellie's help Mac managed to bring three cups of hot chocolate to their table. He gave one to Jo and she thanked him with her eyes. Then she whispered something to Ellie, who squeaked happily and moved back to the counter.

''Are we missing something?'' Mac asked.

''Marshmallows.'' Jo answered with a smile. ''Ellie's crazy about them.'' She took a cup in her both hands and brought it to her mouth. Mac's eyes were on her the whole time and he started to think she looked really pretty. Her usually pale skin had a nice pink flush, because of the cold. His eyes dropped to her mouth, which had the deeper shade of red than usual. When she took a sip and then slowly licked her lips, he couldn't help but wondered how it would be to kiss her, tasting the sweetness of chocolate mingled with the sweetness of her own lips.

He shook his head, trying to get rid of those thoughts, so he started to wonder why it was possible for such a woman as Jo to be single. She was emitting this special, warm, famine charm whatever she was doing. And Mac was sure all men, including him, found it extremely sexy, but in this adorable way that had nothing to do with imposed seduction. It was like she was putting a spell on every man who was near her, making him look at her in awe and follow her wherever she went.

For a brief moment he wished Christine had a feature like that. But she was so much different. She seemed sweet, somehow lost and shy, which was also very adorable, but in a completely different way. He felt responsible for her, like one feel responsible for a little sister. The thought struck him and he frowned his eyebrows thinking of that. He enjoyed taking care of her, he felt needed and wanted, very masculine, almost like a hero. But was that enough for a relationship? Of course, Christine was a beautiful woman, he couldn't deny it, but somehow being intimate with her always awoke conflicting feeling within him. From the one side, he desired her, but from the other side, he felt like he was crossing some line. In his head she still was his best friend's younger sister. He met her when she was a teenager and at that time he hadn't even considered her as a woman. Every time he was thinking about it he ended up with a question what actually had changed for him in that matter. And he was unable to answer it.

He glanced at Jo again. She was fooling around with Ellie, trying to stop her from throwing some pink marshmallows into her cup. He couldn't help but smile. She was so great with her daughter, they have this unique connection. She managed to create a happy home for Ellie as a single parent, at the same time being fully dedicated to her work. He was impressed every time he thought about it. Jo seemed to be the strongest person he had ever know. She could bear with everything on her own and help everyone who was in a need. When he had got to know her better it became clear to him why she was single. She simply didn't need a man. She could cope with everything alone. Not like Christine, who made a constant impression that she wouldn't be able to make one step without a man's supporting shoulder.

''Earth to Mac!'' Jo's voice threw him out from his thoughts. ''Ellie's already asked you three times if you want some marshmallows in your chocolate.''

''No, thanks.'' He said and cleared his throat. Thinking about Christine made him feel somehow guilty. He thought he should check out on her on his way back home, maybe she would close her place earlier and they would spend some quality time together.

''It's getting late. I think we should get moving.'' He said, checking his watch and then looking up at Ellie and Jo. The girl only nodded, quickly finishing her chocolate and putting an half-empty bag of marshmallows in her backpack. But Jo... She gave him such a sad look as he had just delivered some very bad news. But then she stood up and said:

''I guess you're right. Let's go.''

Mac drove them to their place and when he parked in front of Jo's block of flats, she looked up through the front screen. He followed her eyes and looked at the windows of her apartment. The light was on and it made him wonder who was waiting for her inside. He could easily felt her uneasiness when she hugged him, thanking him for a nice evening. It was a little too tight and a little too long as usual and when she pulled away he looked at her and asked:

''Do you want me to walk you over to your door?''

''No, thanks. We'll be fine.'' She said quickly and then got out of the car, putting an arm around Ellie's shoulder and walking away. He was watching her, wondering if she turn around to look at him again, but she didn't. When they disappeared inside he turn on the car's engine and headed for Christine's restaurant, hoping she would be able to close it earlier today.

. . .

A low murmur of the TV filled the room, but he wasn't really paying attention to it. And, when her sighs became louder, he forgot about it completely. He could taste fine, red wine on her lips and he deepened the kiss, wanting to taste her. She moaned into his lips, then met his fingers, helping him unbutton her shirt. He moved his lips lower, to her cleavage, skimming across her smooth skin, enjoining its coolness, which was a nice contrast to his hot lips. He felt her struggling to turn them over and he complied, pulling her on top of him, knocking out ones of the glasses from the table. He reached to her back and unclasped her bra, which she tossed away immediately. He brought his hands to her breasts and she let out a quiet moan.

''Mac...''

Then she leaned over, wanting to kiss him. Her soft, blond hair tickled his face and once again he was overwhelmed by this sweet peachy smell. Mac closed his eyes, becoming lost in a sensation. Her body so soft against his, her skin so smooth. He started to kiss her neck and she moaned his name again, this time louder and her voice sounded lower and deeper in his head, somehow special, like she was humming it. He reached for her hand, taking it into his and he was amazed how cold it was. His mind was spinning. He felt her lips on his chest, dropping some feather-like kisses on his skin and he moaned.

''Oh God, Jo...''

He felt her pulling away from him, she rested her palms on her chest, straightening herself and he forced himself to open his eyes. For a moment he saw those beautiful orbs that had a color of a dark chocolate looking directly at him, but then he blinked and they suddenly changed their color to light blue.

''What did you just say?'' A high pitched, very irritated voice drilled into his dazzled mind. He tried to focus.

''What?'' He asked breathlessly.

''You said her name!'' She cried out.

''Who's name?'' Mac asked, totally confused.

''Jo's!'' She cried out, slipping out from his lap and standing out. ''I can't believe it!'' She reached for her bra, putting it on quickly and then doing the same with her shirt. ''Do you always think about her when we're making love?'' She asked angrily. He didn't answer. He didn't know what he could possibly say. Was he really thinking of Jo?

''Christine, wait!'' He managed to pull himself out from the couch, but it was too late, she was already gone, slamming a front door hard behind her. _Oh, fuck._ He though slumping back on the couch.

. . .

**A/N The next chapter is up quite quickly as it was much easier to write it. Although, because of my speed with it, my poor (but still lovely :) beta was probably banging her head against a wall while reading it (she's just too kind to admit it, but I'm pretty sure it was like that ;). Anyway, I hope you will enjoy this chapter, although it's not so much happening in it, but I needed it like that, as next one will be completely different.**

**And as always, I would love to know what you think! **


	4. from a cold steel rail?

. . .

Mac opened and closed a small box covered with green velvet for what seemed like the hundred time. He couldn't quite believe in what had happened. One moment he was waiting for a perfect moment to ask Christine to marry him and the next he found himself moaning another woman's name while making out with her. What he was thinking?!

He put the box into a drawer and slammed it closed angrily. The problem was he wasn't thinking at all. It just had happened. Somehow Jo invaded his thoughts in such an intimate moment and he just couldn't justify that. It was highly embarrassing and what was even worse, he was more than aware how badly he hurt Christine.

It was still too early to call her. Not that she would answer anyway. He already called her about ten times in the night, just after she left him. He sighed deeply and checked his watch again, seeing it was only one minute later than when he had done it for the last time. 7.47 am. He decided to go for a run and check if she was already in her restaurant. He changed into his track-suit and left his apartment.

He took the longest way, trying to put in his mind all things he had to tell her. But when he finally arrived in front of her restaurant, he felt totally hopeless again.

The place looked like it was closed, but when he tried the door it occurred that it was open, so he entered, closing the door behind himself.

''Christine?'' He called her, not sure if he should go further and look for her. After a moment she walked out from the kitchen.

''It's not open yet.'' She said coldly and he felt like a regular customer, like there was nothing special about him at all.

''I know, but we've got to talk.''

''You think?'' She said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. He moved closer to her, standing right in front of her, but she was looking away.

''Christine... I really didn't mean to hurt you.''

''Mac, you were thinking about the other woman while you were with me.'' She finally faced him and he was able to see the tears in her eyes.

''I guess I was...'' He sighed deeply. ''But it wasn't what you think it was.''

_Here it is, the dumbest line ever._ He thought.

''Mac, it means only one thing for me. You were kissing and touching me, but you were thinking about her. You were imagining that it was her with you, not me.'' Christine said in a broken voice.

''I was thinking about her.'' Mac admitted. ''But not in that way. It had nothing to do with what we were... doing.'' He tried to explain.

''You really think I will believe you?'' She asked. ''I'm not that stupid, you know.'' She added, trying to move away from him, but he stopped her, placing his hands on her shoulders.

''Christine, come on... Give me a chance to explain.'' He asked and she stayed, still not being able to look at him. ''I have to admit, I was thinking about Jo all day long, because I'm worried about her. She's going through some troubles right now, I can tell, but she refuses to talk about it.''

There was a moment of silence between them and then Christine looked at him and said:

''Mac... I need to know. Do you love her?''

Mac opened his mouth instantly, wanting to say 'of course not'. The words were almost flying out from between his lips, but something inside him caught them and pulled back down his throat. For a second he stopped breathing and he was able to hear only pounding of his heart in his ears. With every beat it was asking him the same question. _Do I love her?_ His mind start to race, giving him one reason after another. She was his co-worker, his second in command. They both were professional, so it was obvious they didn't even consider mixing work with private life. And he was dating another woman. How possibly he could be in love with Jo? Finally he managed to drew in a shaky breath and he said:

''No, I don't love her.'' He said firmly and Christine let out a long, pent up breath.

''I know she's your good friend... and you care about her... a lot.'' She said slowly. ''But Mac, I don't think I will be able to bear with another woman being so close to you.''

He frowned his eyebrows, not quite sure what she was saying.

''I've learned to deal with the fact that you're still not over Claire.'' She whispered and he felt stabbing pain in his chest. He wasn't aware it was so obvious and at the same time, he thought Christine should be able to understand it. It was just the past, but when the presence turn into the past without any warning it always took time to get over it. And it had been long time ago when he had came to therms with that for him it wouldn't be a month, a year, or even a decade. For him it would be a lifetime.

''But I don't think I will be able to stand another woman... the one that is alive.'' Her voice was barley a whisper and suddenly he felt his heart breaking seeing her like that. She seemed so defenseless. Without even thinking he pulled her into her arms and held her tight.

''I promise you: there's nothing going on between me and Jo.'' He whispered, kissing her hair.

. . .

''Hi guys! You have no idea how happy I am seeing you both in one place.'' Hawkes said to Mac and Jo, entering the lab. ''I've been running around the department whole morning, trying to find everyone in order to give this...'' He handed out two invitation to Jo and Mac. Jo removed her latex glove and opened a little piece of paper.

''Whoa! An engagement party? Congratulations, doc!'' She exclaimed, leaning over and giving Sheldon light hug.

''Thanks. It will be this Friday. Please be there.''

Mac read through the invitation and cursed silently, seeing the 'accompanying person' part. He wasn't sure if Christine would come with him and if not, he would be tormented to death by all questions about coming alone.

''OK, I've got to find Flack now.'' Sheldon said, exiting the lab.

''Thanks for the invitations.'' Mac told him before he left.

''An engagement party. Not bad.'' Jo said, toying with an invitation. ''Which reminds me...'' She started, but he cut her off immediately.

''Not yet.'' He said quickly.

''Oh, OK...'' Jo said, intimidated slightly by his sudden response. She opened the invitation once again and read it properly this time, seeing she was supposed to come with her partner. ''Oh, crap...'' She sighed, thinking that it wasn't quite possible to go there without Russ and if she came with him, everyone would be asking if they were back together.

''What?'' Mac asked, looking up at her above a jacket he was testing for GSR.

''I need a new dress.'' She said, smiling lightly at him and he only rolled his eyes in response, making her laugh. Then she leaned over the table, starting to test another sleeve of the jacket. Mac reached for a bottle with sodium rhodizonate, moving even closer to Jo.

''What the hell with that smell...'' He murmured.

''What?'' Jo asked, frowning her eyebrows and looking up at him. ''What smell?''

''Never mind. I think I'm just loosing my mind.'' Mac said with a sigh, making her smirk. ''For a few days I smell black currant in some random places.''

''Black currant?'' She repeated after him, laughing.

''What's so funny about that?''

''Mac, if you smell it when I'm near, then you're completely fine.'' She laughed again, seeing his confused look. ''I'm using black currant fragrance body wash. Although I didn't realize the smell is so strong...''

''Black currant?'' Mac repeated with disbelief in his voice, feeling sudden rush of heat going through his body.

''Yeah... It was first up on the shelf when I was doing my shopping, so I just grabbed it...'' She started to explain, but Mac wasn't quite listening. It would make perfect sense to smell it when Jo was present, but then why the heck had he smelled it in Christine's restaurant while kissing her? Was his mind playing tricks with him? He knew that thinking about some person could be done in a many different ways, sometimes without even realizing. It seemed that there was a plain connection between Jo and her smell in his mind and his brain had made a projection of it when he was with Christine. So technically, was he thinking about Jo while being intimate with Christine, again?

He shook his head. _What the hell is wrong with me?_ He thought angrily. Then he looked at her and he couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked today. _God, Christine was right, I'm attracted to Jo!_

''Mac, you OK?'' Jo asked, her smile fading away as she saw how disturbed he suddenly became.

''Yeah, I'm fine.'' He murmured. ''I've just realized I forget to make some important call. Can you finish testing this clothes?'' He asked and without even waiting for her to answer he rushed out from the lab. Jo walked him with her eyes, thinking it was quite unusually for him to act so nervously. But then she just shrugged her shoulders and returned to work.

. . .

''… and then he took my book and drew a big heart on the cover! Can you imagine? With a permanent marker! I can't remove it! Mooom, you have to buy me a new biology book, I won't bring this one to class, it's just too embarrassing...''

''Ellie, honey, we can remove it with acetone, it always works with permanent markers.'' Jo said, bringing her arm around her daughter's shoulder and walking out with her from the elevator. ''The part that should bug you more is why Tim Porter drew this heart on your book.'' She teased, playfully ruffling her hair.

''Because he's a moron!'' Ellie said, making Jo laugh. She unlocked the door to her apartment and instantly her good mood was gone.

''Hi, gals.'' Russ said getting up from the couch.

''What are you doing here?'' Jo asked, taking off her jacket and helping Ellie with her heavy backpack.

''Waiting for you.'' Russ grinned widely.

''I'm asking about how you managed to enter my apartment.'' Jo hissed through her clenched teeth.

''I've borrowed your spare key.''

''Give it back to me.'' Jo ordered, approaching him and reaching out her hand.

''I don't think so...'' He said, teasing her.

''Now!'' She snapped.

''Mom?'' Ellie asked, slightly concerned by her mother's uneasy behavior.

''Oh, Ellie! How about we have a little chat?'' Russ said, approaching the girl, placing his arm around her shoulder and making her flinch slightly. ''I have so much to tell you.'' He added, looking directly into Jo's eyes.

''Don't you dare!'' Jo yelled at him, then moved towards them and pulled Ellie away from him. ''Go to your room, Ellie!'' She ordered.

''Mom? What's going on?'' Ellie asked, totally confused.

''Jo, I really think she has the right to know...'' Russ said, teasing her further.

''Ellie, please, go!'' Jo desperately begged her, pushing her gently in the direction of her room.

''Fine.'' She snarled and rushed to her room, slamming the door behind her.

Then Jo moved to her bedroom, with Russ following her. She closed the door behind them, as she couldn't risk Ellie hearing their conversation.

''I want you to leave.'' Jo said sturdily.

''You sure is that what you want, babe?'' Russ asked, moving closer to her. ''Think about Ellie...''

''I don't believe you're able to do that to me. You know that I would die if I lost her.'' She looked at him, her eyes glistering with tears, looking for some sign of kindness, something good in him, that she could move, begging him not to do that. But there was nothing.

''You know, for me it just doesn't seem quite right. Just imagine: recently divorced woman, working for the FBI. Feeling lonely and abandoned. Taking care of her son, who is in this age that he needs his father more than his mother. Which makes her feel even more useless. So when she comes across a teenage prostitute, who happens to have a baby, she just get this idea of putting her in jail and adopt her daughter.''

His hand curved around her head, his fingers tangled in her hair and he forced her to look at him. Jo didn't want to listen to him, as she knew very well where he was heading with his story. There was some huge part of her that was really afraid there was some truth in what he was saying. For all those years she was trying to push those memories away, to convince herself that what she had done wasn't evil. But maybe she was just lying to herself.

''But there is a one problem. She won't be allowed to adopt a baby-girl until her father, Jason Davis, is alive. So she just shoots him, claiming it was in self-defense.'' He finished, bringing his lips to hers and kissing her hard. ''Is that what happened, Jo?'' He asked, breathing heavily after he finally tore his mouths from hers.

''No.'' She whispered, closing her eyes and shaking her head. ''I didn't know he was Ellie's father. He was Gina's pimp and he pulled a gun at us when we came to arrest Gina.''

''And somehow this gun wasn't even loaded.'' Russ laughed. ''And the bullet that ended up in his chest, killing him instantly, was yours. Nobody else fired.''

''Nobody else saw him pulling out his gun.'' She swallowed hard. ''How do you know about that all?''

''I guess I'm just terrific detective.'' He joked. ''And Frank Waters was really talkative after a few drinks.''

She sighed deeply. She couldn't believe Frank had told Russ all about that night. A few days after arresting Gina Jo had noticed common alleles in Jason's and Ellie's DNA. She had quietly ran some tests and they showed up that Gina's pimp was a father of her baby. But it had seemed even she didn't know that. He had been already in a morgue, so Jo thought it wouldn't make any difference to reveal that. But Frank had somehow managed to find out the truth, probably from the copies of the test's results.

''I didn't know that he was her father when I shot him.'' Jo said clearly.

''You know, honey... I could even believe you.'' Russ said unbuttoning her blouse slowly, taking his time to roam his hands over her exposed skin. ''You're just too good to do something that evil. But for someone who doesn't know you it would look nothing but... fishy.''

Jo clenched her eyelids tightly, trying to keep tears from falling, but she couldn't help a quiet sob escaping her lips. She couldn't bear the possibility of reopening the adoption case and loosing her parental rights over Ellie.

''And there's another issue.'' Russ whispered, sucking her earlobe into his mouth and then nipping it with his teeth. ''How would Ellie feel knowing that you not only put away her mother, but also killed her father?'' He asked placing open-mouth kisses along her neck. ''And that you lied to her again.''

Jo covered her face with hands, trying not to slip into uncontrollably sobbing.

''Russ... please, don't do that.'' She whispered breathlessly. ''Don't tell her.''

''I won't, honey.'' He said, pulling her hands away from her face. ''You only have to ask me for that... really nicely.'' He added with a smirk and she felt sick, understanding what he meant.

''I'm begging you.'' Jo whispered, unbuttoning his shirt with trembling hands. Then she brushed her lips against his, trying to make this touch gentle, but he instantly captured her lips more forcefully. His hand was tangled in her hair, holding her head in place and she moaned in pain, which he took for a sign of excitement.

''See? It's so much better when you do it willingly.''

Jo looked up at him. All she wanted right now was to slap him across his face and throw him out of her apartment. But she knew she couldn't.

''Undress for me.'' Russ ordered and she closed her eyes, knowing what would happen next. A few tears escaped from beneath her eyelids when she unbutton and unzipped her jeans, pushing them down her legs.

''Slowly.'' He groaned. ''And I don't want to see you crying.'' He added and she involuntarily wiped her tears with the back of her hand. Then she unbutton those few buttons of her blouse that he hadn't done earlier and pushed the piece of clothing off her shoulders, making it fall to the floor. She stood in front of him only in her underwear, but when she looked at him, he silently let her know it was not enough. She unclasped her bra and let it fall to the floor, then reached for her lace boy-shorts and removed them as well. She turned away her head, not wanting to see how his lustful gaze raked over her body, long and unabashedly, like he had a permission to do that. Suddenly he stepped closer to her and pushed her back that she landed on the bed with yelp. Then he undressed himself and moved towards her.

She closed her eyes, wanting to push back tears that were threatening to go down her cheek any second. She didn't want him to see her crying, to know how truly hopeless she felt. She tried to force her mind to shut down, as she didn't want to think about what he was doing to her. She wished her body become limp, as she didn't want to feel anything. But there was no use. The weight of his body on hers, his heavy breathing against her skin and his rough touch were just too real. She searched through her mind in order to find some pleasant thought, some warm memory that would bring her at least some comfort. And there it was. Strong arms encircled around her waist, keeping her from falling. Keeping her warm and safe. And those honest blue eyes. Only one look into them was enough for her to feel calm again. She tried to silence the voice in her head, saying that she didn't have any right to dream about him, as those thoughts were her only hope. And without them, she had nothing to hold on.

She didn't know how long it took Russ to satisfy his needs, as for her it seemed like an eternity. When he finally rolled over from her, she rose from the bed quickly, grabbed her clothes from the floor and headed to the bathroom, locking the door behind her. She had never felt so humiliated and used in her life. Once again he stole his pleasure from her body and there was nothing she could do about it. And it was making her sick. Her stomach convulsed and she barely made it to the toilet before she threw up. Even when her stomach was empty, it kept clenching painfully and Jo sunk to the floor, wrapping her arms around herself. After a long while she managed to calm down enough to get up and brush her teeth and then she stepped into the shower. She washed herself with a rough shower pouf until her body was all red and burning, but even then she was still feeling dirty. She rested her forehead against cold shower wall covered with tiles and she let tears run down her face freely. Soon she would put her face under a spray of water and all evidences of her weakness would be gone. And nobody would ever figure out that something was wrong.

The ringing of her phone pulled Jo out from her misery. She jumped out from the shower and dripping wet picked up her jeans from the floor, pulling her phone out.

''Danville.'' She answered.

''Jo, I need you at the crime scene.'' Mac said. ''I'll text you an address in a second.''

She managed just to sigh, looking at herself in a mirror.

''Something wrong?'' He asked with a slight concern in his voice.

''No, no. I'll be there as soon as possible.'' She answered quickly.

''OK. See you there.'' He said and hang up before she got a chance to answer.

''See ya.'' She whispered and in those words was all longing for him she felt. She closed her eyes for a moment, shivering because of the cold air hitting her wet skin and she wondered what he would do, if he was beside her right now. And if he loved her. He probably would wrap some big, fluffy towel around her aching body and scooped her in his arms like a baby, carrying her to bed and letting her fall asleep in his arms. She knew he would do anything to protect Christine from getting hurt. But not everyone could be as lucky as Christine. Jo sighed deeply at the thought and started to get dressed.

Before she left, she checked on Ellie. She smiled lightly, seeing her daughter lying comfortable in her bed, buried under warm and cozy duvet, reading some book.

''What do you read, sugar pie?'' Jo asked and her daughter showed her a cover of the book, without turning her gaze from the text. It was 'The History of Art'. ''Interesting?''

''Yup.'' Ellie answered and Jo sighed. She could tell Ellie wasn't happy about Russ staying at their place and she was blaming her for that. But at that moment Jo wanted nothing more than to take her little girl in her arms and ensure herself that they would stay together forever.

''Really interesting or 'of course Mr. Pickle, it was sooo interesting'? Jo tried once again and finally Ellie chuckled, looking at her.

''My art teacher's surname is Bickle, mom.'' She said. ''I think I've already told you that like hundred times. And yes, it is interesting.'' She added nonchalantly and Jo smirked, knowing that in a second or so Ellie would tell her about something she had read, as she just couldn't keep for herself something that had really impressed her. And she wasn't mistaken.

''Have you known that the lines of the columns of Acropolis aren't straight as the ancient Greeks knew that human vision isn't perfect and that to have lines that look perfectly straight you actually need to curve them?'' Ellie asked quickly, gesticulating with her hands as she spoke. Jo smiled, seeing her like that. She already knew that, but she didn't want to ruin her daughter's pleasure from sharing such curiosity with her.

''Wow, that's really clever.'' She admitted, smiling at Ellie. ''Listen, honey. I have to go to work now. I don't know when I will be back.''

''OK.'' Ellie said, returning to her book. But then suddenly she looked up at Jo again and asked:

''Is he staying here?''

''He is.'' Jo answered quietly.

''Great.'' Ellie murmured sarcastically, turning away from Jo and lying on her side, facing a wall.

''Ellie, come on...'' Jo said gently, reaching out her hand and touching her daughter's arm, but she just moved away from her touch.

''Just go.'' She said and Jo sighed, standing up and moving towards door. She glanced once more at her daughter, feeling even more frustrated, as suddenly it occurred to her that no matter what she would do, Ellie would hate her.

. . .

Jo arrived at the crime scene quite quickly, as it was in her neighborhood, which probably was the reason why Mac called her, not Danny who was also on call tonight. She grabbed her kit and locked her car. Then she ducked under the yellow tape and headed to a store that was their crime scene. Mac and Don were already inside.

''Well, hello there, Josephine.'' Don said, offering her a beaming smile.

''Call me that once more and I'll poke you in the eye.'' She murmured.

''Oh, someone's really not happy to be here.'' Don chuckled. ''I think it is Mac, how should be complaining about this poor guy being our DB tonight, as he was probably in the middle of a nice dinner with his lovely lady... or maybe even already further, which would be even harder to stop and leave for work.'' He said, grinning like a Cheshire cat, making Mac roll his eyes and Jo place her kit on the floor with a loud thud.

''How about you stop talking and start working?'' Mac suggested.

''Fine. I'll be outside, questioning witnesses.''

Jo knelt down and studied dead body lying in the middle of the store. COD was evident – gunshot to the chest. She felt Mac kneeling next to her.

''Is it raining?'' He asked.

''Hmm?'' She turned her head to face him.

''You hair. It's wet.'' He explained.

''Oh... I was in the shower when you called.''

''You should dry it, it's quite chilly tonight and you can get cold.''

''I'll be fine.'' She murmured, then stood up. ''It seems robbery went wrong.'' She said and he nodded silently. ''Have you dusted counter for prints?''

''Not yet.''

''I'll do it.'' She said, grabbing her kit and moving to the counter. She wasn't aware that he was watching her every move. She looked lost in her thoughts. He couldn't tell what was wrong, but for the last few days she didn't quite seem like herself.

Suddenly he rushed towards her, catching her wrist. She looked up at him and jerked her hand away.

''What are you doing?'' Jo asked and he was able to hear a little hint of anger in her voice.

''And what are **you** doing?'' He answered with a question, but she didn't seem to understand his point. ''Jo, it isn't the right powder for this brush.'' He said, pointing out at the brush she was holding in her hand and at the jar of powder that she had already opened. ''It is a magnetic powder. You need magnetic applicator for it, not this regular brush. It won't work.''

She looked at him with her eyes wide open. Then she gasped audibly.

''Of course, I know that...''

''I know you do.'' Mac said calmly.

''I just... I don't know. I wasn't really thinking about what I was doing... Oh, God, I nearly ruined those prints!'' She said, realizing how big consequences her mistake could have.

''It's OK. No damage was done.'' He smiled lightly at her. ''Just... focus.''

She hung her head low and reached for a magnetic applicator, trying to dust those fingerprints again, this time with the appropriate tools. She took a deep breath, but it didn't seem to help – her hands were still shaking uncontrollably.

''Jo... give it to me.'' Mac said and gently took applicator and a jar from her. She stepped back, thinking that he wanted to do it for her, but he just placed it on the counter and turned to face her.

''What's going on?'' He asked point-blank, looking at her like he wanted to read her mind. But she just looked away and stayed quiet. ''Is something wrong with Ellie?'' He took a guess.

''No, she's fine...'' Jo said quietly.

''And Tyler?''

''He's fine, too.''

''So what is it? I know something is wrong.'' He put his arms on her shoulders, making her face him. ''If you don't tell me, I won't be able to help you.'' She rose her head, letting him look directly into her eyes. For a moment he felt like being hypnotized by her hazel eyes, like he was pulled inside her world, being able to sense all sorrow and sadness he could see in them. But then she turned her gaze away.

''You can't help me anyway.'' Her voice was barely a whisper. She moved pass him and she added over her shoulder:

''So I guess you're sending me back home.'' It sounded bitterly and he felt hurt hearing her. He only tried to help her, but she obviously didn't want his help and now she was acting like he was her enemy.

''No. You have 10 minutes to go outside and calm yourself.'' He said firmly, his voice cold and emotionless. ''After that I want you to be back in here and do your job.''

''Fine.'' She answered without even looking at him and she exited the shop.

. . .

**A/N Sorry for that chapter being a little too short, but I think that considering all things that are happening in it, you shouldn't be disappointed.**

**It was extremely hard to write this scene with Russ and Jo. Imagining being in a situation like that was making me sick to my stomach, so I had to write it little by little. I really hope it wasn't too disturbing. I was thinking about writing a warning at the beginning of this chapter, but I didn't want to spoil this part and since it is rated M I believe no one who could be somehow ruined by that is reading it.**

**I was struggling very much with the idea of what Jo could done that Russ could use to blackmail her. If my idea seems believable to you, than I'm happy. And if it's not, then sorry for that. That's the best what I came up with.**

**If you have any thoughts / opinions / requests etc. just don't hesitate and let me know trough review or PM.**


	5. a smile from a veil?

. . .

Jo was standing in front of her wardrobe, looking at the hangers and thinking. She couldn't decide what she should wear. She would like nothing more than to put on her jeans, some plain top and black cardigan. But she knew it wouldn't be a good choice for fancy engagement party Sheldon and Camille were throwing.

She pulled out a black, lacy dress, which used to be her favorite. But not anymore. She thought about Russ. As she had predicted, when he found out about the party, he offered to go with her. And she knew saying 'no' to that wasn't an option. It wasn't good. She was more than sure that at the party Russ would act like they were back together. And for some strange reason she didn't want Mac to get such impression. She rolled her eyes thinking how stupid it was. _It doesn't matter at all! He wants to get married to Christine, why should he care about who am I with?_ She scolded herself. _Especially after yesterday..._

She knew he noticed something was wrong. After all he was a very good observer. And she knew he was hurt that she didn't want to talk to him about her problems. But there was nothing she could do. Telling Mac about everything was just too risky. She was sure he would make Russ pay for what he did. And that for sure would cause in Russ wanting revenge.

She put the black dress back in the closet and checked other hangers.

''Too short, too tight, too sheer... too red!'' She groaned in frustration. Finally she pulled out a teal dress. It wasn't too tight, although it was stressing the waist area quite nicely. She decided to wear this one. She quickly put it on, before she managed to change her mind and start the whole process again. Then she tied her hair up without even looking in the mirror.

''Mom? Have you seen my fountain pen?'' Ellie yelled from her room. Jo sighed, picked up some long black earrings and closed the jewelery box.

''Yeah, I've seen it somewhere...'' She answered, entering the living room and putting her earrings on. Ellie was frantically going through the pile of folders Jo brought a few days back from the department, checking every in order to see if her pen was inside.

''What are you doing?''

''I'm trying to find it.'' Ellie murmured. She groaned loudly when some sheets of paper flew out from the folder she was holding.

''Ellie, you will make a mess in my papers!'' Jo moaned and her daughter looked at her amused. ''OK, bigger mess...'' Jo admitted. ''Why are you even looking for it in my stuff?''

''Because I'm pretty sure you've borrowed it.''

''I don't think...'' Jo started, but then suddenly stopped, remembering taking some of Ellie's pens when she couldn't find any of her own. ''The violet one?''

''Yes! It's my favorite. I remember putting it on my desk yesterday. Did you take it?'' Ellie asked, her expression saying that if the answer would be 'yes', the pen would be lost forever.

''Umm... I did. I was making a shopping list.''

''Shopping list? Just before you left?'' Ellie asked, retrieving hope.

''Yes...'' Jo answered and looked as Ellie put all folders back, forming a nice, stable pile.

''What were you wearing yesterday? Which jacket?''

''The black one.'' Jo said and Ellie looked around, sure it was hanging on one of the chairs. And she wasn't mistaken. She quickly moved to it and checked its pockets, pulling out her violet fountain pen.

''Mom, you're just the worst case of pen thief ever.'' She said rebukingly.

''Sorry, hon.'' Jo said, trying not to smile at her remark. Before Ellie answered, the intercom buzzed. Jo came closer to it and pushed the button.

''It's me.'' Russ' voice said.

''Come in.'' Jo said, opening the door for him.

''I'll be in my room.'' Ellie murmured, quickly disappearing. Jo sighed deeply.

''Don't stay up too long!'' She told her daughter, but there was no answer.

. . .

He couldn't tear his eyes away from her from the very second he spotted her across the room. He thought she had never looked so beautiful. The dress she was wearing... God, it should be forbidden for someone with her figure to wear such a dress. It clung to her body in all the right places, making her look feminine and sexy, but at the same time leaving so much to imagination. The color of the dress was between green and blue, reminding him of the color of a deep sea, and it was emphasizing her pale and flawless complexion perfectly. The dress had only one strap and for a brief moment he wondered what would her skin feel like if he caressed her bare shoulder with his fingertips. It took all his strength to stop himself from mentally undressing her. He took a deep breath, but he still couldn't take his eyes off her. There was something breathtaking about her tonight. Her hair was tied up high into a fancy bun, which one stubborn strand managed to escape and he imagined pushing it away with his nose and kissing the nape of her neck while breathing her beautiful smell. Black currant mixed with her own unique fragrance.

''Mac, do you want something to drink?'' Christine asked, bringing him out of his reverie.

''Yeah, I do.'' He answered quickly. ''I will bring us something. What would you like?''

''I don't know what they have. I'll go check myself first.'' She smiled at him, patting his shoulder lightly.

''OK.'' Mac smiled back and when she disappeared Jo attracted his eye again. But this time their eyes met, as she was looking at him too. She smiled at him and he returned her smile, but then he noticed she wasn't alone. She was with her ex-husband and as soon as he moved closer to her, he sneaked his hands around her waist. The meaning of the gesture was clear – he wanted to show that she was his and only his. But at the same time there was something vaguely strange about Jo's response to his actions, as she didn't break the eye contact with Mac and she was still smiling at him, but somehow her smile seemed much more sadder to him.

Mac moved across the room towards her. His mind was spinning as too many thoughts rushed through it in one moment. Was she back with him? And then, if yes, why hadn't she told him? Was that the reason why she seemed to act so strange lately?

He knew he had no right to, but somehow he felt tricked, like someone had slammed the door right in his face. And it was just before it occurred to him that actually he did want to come in...

''Hi, Mac.'' Jo said, when he stopped in front of her.

''Hi.''

''You remember Russ?''

''Of course I do.'' Mac murmured, shaking hands with him. Then Russ' hand returned to its previous position on Jo's waist. Before even Mac had a chance to think about asking Jo any question about her and Russ, he felt Christine's hands on his shoulder. She leaned against him, smiling at Jo and saying 'hi'. Then she glanced at Russ, which didn't escape Jo's attention.

''Christine, this is my ex-husband.'' Jo said. ''And that's Christine, Mac's...'' She stumbled over her words, not sure which term should she use. She gave a Mac quick look, asking him for help and he finished for her:

''...my girlfriend.''

''Nice to meet you.'' Russ said, giving her one of his charming smiles and letting his gaze swept over her. She smiled shyly at him, then turned her eyes away and shifted slightly, feeling a little uncomfortable, as he was still looking at her. She glanced at Mac, but his eyes were fixed on Jo. Again.

Suddenly DJ changed the music, starting to play some slower song and a sneaky smile crept Russ' lips. He let go off Jo and reached out his hand to Christine.

''Would you like to dance?'' He asked, looking directly into her eyes. She rose her eyebrows, truly surprised, then she glanced at Mac. It seemed he didn't even care, staring at Jo like he was trying to read her mind.

''Why not.'' She sighed, taking Russ' hand and moving with him to the dance-floor. Only then Mac's eyes left Jo for a moment, going after Christine, but then he looked back and said:

''So, it seems you're stuck with me.'' He offered her his hand, which she took without any hesitation, smiling warmly at him. She would like nothing more than to be stuck with him like that for the whole night.

For a moment she glanced at Russ and Christine, seeing his hand placed too low on her back, technically on her bottom and his mouth very close to her ear, as he was whispering something to her. Probably something flirtatious as Christine's cheeks were covered with a pink blush. Jo snorted slightly and shook her head seeing that. She didn't feel anything, she didn't care about Russ at all and to be honest it didn't even surprised her. She only felt bad for Christine, but at least she had someone who would come to rescue her if Russ went too far.

Mac took Jo's right hand, holding it gently in his, while his other hand was placed on the small of her back. That gesture was always making her smile, as it was his usual way of subtly guiding and protecting her while they were working. The song had a rhythm of waltz, so he made them spin slowly across the dance-floor and Jo's smile grew wider. It felt so right, she fit perfectly in his arms. He was looking directly into her eyes and they both smiled, hearing the lyrics of the song.

_Here in your arms where the world is impossibly still  
With a million dreams to fulfill  
And a matter of moments until the dancing ends_

_Here in your arms when everything seems to be clear  
Not a solitary thing would I fear  
Except when this moment comes near the dancing's end  
_

Mac moved them a little faster and Jo gripped his shoulder tighter. The pressure of his hand on her back increased, as he pulled her closer to him, his eyes still fixed with hers. She thought she didn't want this moment to end, she wished it could last forever. She became overwhelmed by her love for him. It felt like her heart with its every beat was sending this sensation to every cell, making her whole body crave for his closeness, for his touch, for him. Being afraid that he would be able to see in her eyes what she was feeling, she turned her gaze away, blinking several times, because of the tears that were threatening to fall, as she thought that she would never be as happy as she was in that very moment.

When the music stopped and their time together was over, she easily slipped out from his arms and whispered her thanks, still not looking at him. Then she turned away and disappeared in the crowd, suddenly feeling dizzy and hot.

Mac wanted to rush after her, but before he did Christine caught his hand.

''Come on, let's have something to drink.'' She said.

''OK.'' He answered and let her guide him towards the bar, once more looking back after Jo, but she was already gone.

. . .

Mac scanned the room, but there was no sign of her anywhere. Then he saw that door leading to the terrace was slightly ajar. He smiled, thinking about Jo's weakness to admire New York skyline in the night. He was pretty sure he would find her there and he wasn't mistaken. She was turned back to him, slightly leaning over the stone balustrade, her gaze fixed on some distant point.

He slowly moved towards her, but she was so lost in her thoughts that when he said her name she got startled anyway.

''Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.''

''It's OK.'' She said smiling at him. ''I guess I'm just a little... jumpy.''

He stood right next to her, looking at the view as well.

''You abandoned your lady?'' Jo asked without looking at him.

''I would rather say she abandoned me.'' He answered, smiling lightly. ''She's already left, as she has to get up really early and prepare everything for a huge birthday party she's going to host at her restaurant tomorrow.''

''Oh, that's bad.''

''Yeah.''

They stood together in silence for a long while, as none of them knew what to say. Having a casual chitchat just didn't seem right, while all thoughts in their heads were nothing but casual. And they both knew they couldn't say them out loud.

Suddenly a cold wind started to blow and Mac could see her shivering, goosebumps immediately covering her shoulders. She placed her champagne glass on the balustrade and instinctively hugged herself, trying to keep some warmth that was escaping from her body. He couldn't fight the thought that she looked fragile and somehow defenseless. It was awaking his protective instincts, as he wanted to pull her in his arms and hold her as long as possible, keeping her safe. He had never thought about her like that, she always seemed so strong – emotionally and professionally. Strong for her family, friends, for the whole team, even for those strangers that came across her way every day. But tonight she seemed so different. She was somehow withdrawn and strangely quiet. When he was looking in her eyes he almost felt physical pain, as there was this overwhelming sadness in her gaze. And also some kind of desperation, which was making it hard to escape the impression that she silently begged him for help. But yet she refused to say a word and it was frustrating him to no end. He felt hopeless, not being able to stand up for the one he cared about so much. He felt unneeded and pushed away.

He sighed deeply and took off his suit jacket, putting it over Jo's bare shoulders. At least he could do that for her – keep her a little warmer.

She looked up at him, surprised.

''I cannot afford giving you a sickness leave.'' He joked, feeling slightly shy about what he had just done. ''You know we're swamped with work.''

Jo didn't say anything, only nodded. She was absent-mindedly toying with her empty glass. Then suddenly, without looking at him, she quietly asked:

''Mac... do you think I'm a good person?''

At first he was sure he didn't hear her right. Then he thought she was joking, asking such a question. But then he looked at her and it became clear to him she was serious.

''I don't only think so. I know you are.'' He stated firmly. ''You really have to ask about it?''

She didn't answer his question, only after a while she said:

''It's hard to believe in it, when you're told that what you've done was evil.''

He turned towards her, studying her closely. He couldn't quite understand.

''Who's telling you that?'' He asked, frowning his eyebrows. For a moment she thought about telling him about Russ blackmailing her. But she knew it was impossible to tell him only a half of the story and she would have to tell him as well about what she had done.

''Never mind.'' She said quickly, turning around in a clear attempt to leave him. But before she did, he stopped her.

''Jo, whatever is bugging you... you can tell me.''

She glimpsed at him, hesitating. She knew he was the one and only person she could confine in. But he was also the one she couldn't bear turning away from her. And that was something that would happen if she told him everything. She was sure, it would change the way he felt about her.

''Here you are!'' Russ' voice cut into Jo's thoughts, startling her. She spooned around abruptly. Her hands trembled and the glass she was holding slipped from her fingers, falling to the floor and smashing into pieces. She instantly bent down, wanting to collect them, but Mac stopped her, catching her arm.

''Jo, leave it. You'll cut yourself.'' He said, gently pulling her up. ''I'll ask someone to clean it up.'' He added, sliding his hand along her arm, making her skin tingling from his touch. When his hand reached hers he unconsciously closed his fingers around it. She quickly glanced at Russ, afraid he saw that, but her own body was blocking his view of their joined hands.

''Thanks, buddy.'' Russ said, then turned to Jo: ''Come on, babe. I want to go home.''

Mac couldn't quite explain it, but there was something in Jo's behavior that was telling him she didn't want to leave. Not with Russ. Not now. Not him?

But before Mac had a chance to even realize that he was trying to stop her, Russ reached out for her, grabbing her by her other hand. He pulled her towards him, making her take a big step over the shattered glass. And her hand slipped out from Mac's.

Russ made a few steps, not letting go of Jo's hand, then he suddenly stopped and reached for a jacket that was still draped over her shoulders, taking it off. She instantly felt cold and lonely, forcibly deprived of the piece of Mac that was keeping her warm.

''I guess this is yours.'' Russ said to Mac, throwing him his jacket, which he easily caught. He didn't answer. His eyes were fixed with Jo's and he was waiting for her to give him some sign, anything that would prove that she wanted him to interpose and stop her. But there was nothing. She turned around and left, not looking back even once.

. . .

Jo wasn't even surprised when Russ shove her against the wall and pinned her down right after they entered her apartment. She was sure he would be in that mood, especially considering how much he had drunk during the party.

She pushed against him, backing him a little, but before she was able to do anything else, he pushed her into the wall again with such force she got breathless. She put her hands on his chest, trying to push him away again, but he was quicker. He grabbed her hands by the wrists and placed them above her head, immobilizing her even further. Then he brought her wrists together, keeping them in place with only one hand, while the other roamed across her body.

''Stop fighting me, Jo.'' Russ said coldly. ''It won't do any good. It will be only longer and more uncomfortable for you.'' He wanted to kiss her lips, but she turned her head quickly so his lips landed on her neck and he placed wet, lustful kiss there.

''You have no idea how I hate you right now.'' She said in a shaky voice, but he only laughed.

''You really think it bothers me?'' He brought his mouth to her ear and whispered. ''I used to love you so much. I would do everything to you, Jo. But it wasn't enough. Whatever I did, it was never good enough for you. So guess what? I don't care about your feelings any longer.''

''So why don't you just leave me alone?'' Jo asked, trying to sound much more calmly than she was.

''Because you're mine. You've always been, no matter how hard you pushed me away.'' He said, kissing her forcefully, just to prove his point. ''I really think I have to make you remember that. Especially after tonight, when I saw Mac looking at you with those bedroom eyes. And you know, I can't blame him. You're really something else, Jo.'' His hand sneaked under her dress and touched her between her legs, making her gasp. ''I'm pretty sure that if not for this blond babe, he would have you in his bed right now.'' He added.

''How dare you...''

''Oh come on, don't be such a goody!'' He laughed. ''I can bet you've imagined him doing you more than once.''

''You're a sick bastard.'' She groaned, finally getting free.

''I'm not done with you.''

''But I am!'' She answered, then winced in pain, when he grabbed her, clenching his fingers on her arm.

''Don't raise your voice at me.''

''Let go of me!''

When he slapped her hard across the cheek she froze in a total shock, as she couldn't believe what had just happened. She would never suspect him to be able to raise his hand to her. Yet he had just hit her. She instinctively brought her hand to her cheek, feeling stinging pain spreading across her skin.

''I won't repeat myself.'' Russ said coldly.

Before Jo could answer some sound caught her attention. She turned her head and saw Ellie standing at the end of corridor, in front of her room. She was sobbing uncontrollably, swallowing her own tears. Jo gasped, realizing her daughter saw everything that had just happened.

''Ellie...'' She whispered, wanting to come closer to her and calm her down, but Russ grabbed her arm again.

''Leave her. She's a spoiled brat.''

Jo felt anger boil in her at his words. She jerked away from his grip and pushed him back.

''It's all your fault!'' She cried out. For a moment she thought he would hit her again, but she didn't care. He only smiled, making her groan loudly in frustration. She turned away from him and rushed after Ellie, who already disappeared in her room. She knocked on the door, but there was no answer, so she entered, finding her daughter lying flat on her stomach on her bed, her face buried in a pillow. She sat next to her and gently stroked her hair.

''Ellie, sweetie.'' Jo said gently. ''Please, don't cry.''

She finally turned her head to face Jo.

''Mom... I saw how he hit you!'' She cried out between sobs. ''I don't want him to hurt you!''

''Ellie, it's not big deal, we had an argument and...''

''I don't want him here!'' She cried out again. ''What if he hit you again?''

Jo swallowed hard. She was more than aware that if it had happened once, it was almost certain it would happen again. But right now she was concerned not about herself, but about her daughter. Seeing her so upset was really breaking her heart.

''I'm going to call Mac.'' Ellie said suddenly, sitting up and reaching for her mobile phone that was placed on the night stand.

''No, you're not.'' Jo said quickly, grabbing her phone before she managed to do that. ''You can't call him.'' She stated clearly.

''Why not?!'' Ellie asked angrily. ''He would do something!'' She cried out and started to sob again. ''Mom... I want him to come here and take us somewhere else...'' She complained brokenly. Then she threw her arms around Jo's neck, snuggling against her. Jo closed her eyes, trying to stop her own tears from falling. She couldn't bear Ellie being so scared, feeling so unsafe. Her small frame was shaking and she didn't seem to be calming down. Jo put her arms around her daughter, holding her tightly, still clutching her phone in her hand. Some part of her was just like Ellie – she wanted nothing more but to call Mac, ask him to fix all this and make her feel safe again. But she knew she couldn't do that.

After a couple of minutes Ellie stopped crying, but she was still trembling, so Jo lowered them on the bed, pulling a duvet over them both. She couldn't remember when was the last time when Ellie needed her to fall asleep. Probably when she had been a few years old and had some nightmare. And now her nightmare wasn't just a bad dream. It was much more real.

When Jo was sure that Ellie was fast asleep she carefully freed herself from her hug and left her room, closing the door behind herself. She hoped Russ was gone by now and she felt a huge relief when she didn't find him anywhere in her apartment. She went to the bathroom, stripped her dress off and took a quick shower. Then she moved to the bedroom and put on pajama shorts and some top. She glanced at her bed and sighed. She couldn't quite force herself to sleep in it. She knew, that if she did, she would be surrounded by his smell and all bad memories. And that was a combination she simply couldn't bare tonight. She grabbed her pillow and moved to the couch in the living room.

. . .

Jo was woken up by the sunlight invading the room through unclosed blinds. She couldn't remember when had been the last night she slept through without waking up even once. She smiled lightly, stretching out her arms above her head. Then she froze and the smile instantly disappeared from her lips as she thought about Ellie. She quickly rose from the couch, heading for her daughter's room. She carefully opened the door, not wanting to wake her up if she was still sleeping. But much to Jo's surprise she wasn't. The room was empty and the bed was made. Normally Jo would be nothing but happy seeing that. But taking into account the circumstances she knew that it was Ellie's way to show she was still holding a grudge and it was all Jo's fault as she herself was doing everything right.

With a deep sigh Jo closed the door to Ellie's room and went to the kitchen. But she didn't find her daughter there either. She felt some uneasiness creeping up to her, as she checked her bedroom and then both bathrooms. There was no signs of Ellie anywhere. Jo rushed back to her room, scanning it. Her backpack was missing as well. She opened a few drawers and looked into the closet, seeing that Ellie had also taken some of her clothes.

''Oh no...'' Jo whispered. She went back to the hall and pulled out her phone from her purse. She noticed that her wallet was opened, so she checked quickly its content. All credit cards were there, but it seemed that $50 was missing. Jo cursed under her breath and dialed Ellie's number. She groaned loudly hearing the familiar annoying ring-tone from the living room. Ellie's mobile still lay on the table beside the couch, where Jo had put it last night, after taking it from her in order to stop her from calling Mac.

''Mac!'' Jo exclaimed and quickly dialed his number. He answered straight away.

''Taylor.''

''Mac, is there Ellie at your place?'' Jo asked quickly, skipping the greeting part of the conversation.

''Ellie? No, she's not here.''

''Oh God...'' Jo moaned.

''Why she should be here?'' Mac asked, but Jo didn't registered his words. She suddenly felt dizzy, thinking about her daughter wandering somewhere, totally alone in New York. ''Jo? What's going on?''

''Mac... Ellie's missing.'' Jo managed to whisper. ''I think she run away from home.''

. . .

**A/N I'm sorry it took me so long to update it and it is so short, but this week was really miserable and most of the time I felt like curling into a ball beneath a blanket and sleeping it through. Not an option, unfortunately... Hopefully next chapter will be up much sooner, as it is pretty much written already.  
**

** Nevertheless, any review, bad or good, will be very precious to me.**

**A/N # 2 Taking into account UrbanMuse's suggestions I added a scene at the beginning. I hope now it makes more sense ;)  
**


	6. do you think you can tell?

. . .

Before Mac arrived at her place Jo managed to call almost all Ellie's friends. None of them knew where she could be. She tried Tyler's number again, but it went straight to voice mail. Jo cursed inwardly, thinking he probably had gone to some party last night and turned off his phone in order not to be woken up too early.

She almost jumped out of her skin when the intercom buzzed. Without even asking who was there, she pushed the button. It only took about a minute for Mac to get to her door. She was sure he didn't wait for the elevator, running up to the 6th floor. When she opened her door for him his breathing was only slightly accelerated.

''What do you mean, she ran away from home?'' He asked point-blank.

''She was not here when I woke up, she took some clothes and her backpack, as well as $50 from my wallet.'' Jo told him breathlessly.

''She's not answering her phone?''

''She left her phone at home.'' Jo murmured, again feeling terribly guilty about taking it away from her last night.

''Have you called her friends?''

''Everyone I know. Nobody knows where she is.'' Jo said and he could hear her voice started to break.

''How about Tyler? Maybe she went to his dorm?''

''I can't reach him. His cell is turned off. But if she was there, he would call me. He would know I'm worried sick.''

Mac only nodded.

''And Russ?''

''What?'' Jo asked, looking at him with her eyes wide open.

''Russ. Maybe she's with him?''

For a moment great dread crept over her as she thought that it was Russ who took Ellie from her. She suddenly felt weak, like she was going to faint. She barely registered how Mac put his arms around her and walked her to the couch, sitting her down. She started to analyze the events of last night. When Russ left, Ellie was sound asleep in her arms. Then Jo remembered locking the front door as it was open and chaining them, in order to make it impossible for Russ to come back even using the spare key he took from her. In the morning the door was locked, but not chained, so someone from inside had to opened them. Ellie had to left on her own.

''Jo?'' Mac's voice cut into her thoughts. She looked at him and shook her head.

''No, she's not with him, I'm sure.''

He studied her closed, somehow surprised by her statement.

''Why did you think she was at my place?'' He asked. She opened her mouth, but didn't say anything. She didn't know what to say. She glanced at him once again. His eyes were still on her and by his look she could tell he had no intention of letting her escape from answering this question.

''I... I don't know. I just thought... about you. She knows you after all, so she could as well go to your place.'' Jo said, shrugging her shoulders. He wanted to ask if she called any other team member, like Lindsay or Don, but he already knew an answer to that. Something just didn't seem right here.

''Do you know why she left so early without saying anything to you?''

Jo signed deeply.

''Well... I suppose she...'' She stumbled on her words.

''Jo.'' He said, using his usual scolding tone. He was more than aware she was running in circles with him, not wanting to tell him the truth. But without knowing what happened he wasn't able to help her. ''I need you to tell me everything.'' He said, placing his hands on her shoulders and making her look at him. She nodded, but stayed silent. Finally she said:

''I don't even know where to start...''

''Are you and Russ back together?''

''Yes.'' She whispered. She could feel how he slightly leaned back and for a moment she thought he would take his hands away from her shoulders. He turned his gaze away and she frowned her eyebrows seeing that. ''Well... sort of.'' She added quickly without thinking. He looked back at her.

''Sort of?''

''Oh, it's complicated.'' She added resignedly, sinking back on the couch, letting his hands slip from her shoulders. He glanced at the pillow and the blanket that were still laying beside her on the couch. Then he spotted Jo's bracelets on the table.

''Did you have a fight last night?''

''How do you...?'' She followed his gaze and it became clear to her how he came up with this idea.

''So how do you know Ellie didn't leave with Russ in the morning?''

''He didn't leave in the morning.'' Jo said, wincing. ''He left in the middle of the night, after our fight. Ellie was still here.''

''Why did you sleep on the couch then?'' Mac asked. She looked at him, truly surprised he managed to put all those pieces together so quickly. _How am I suppose to tell him why I couldn't sleep in my own bed?_ She thought. For a moment she felt like falling apart, closed to confessing everything. Then she would have a right to sink in his arms at least for a while. It would be justified. She knew he would hold her, comforting her in his calming embrace. And everything would be just right. For a while. Only for a while, because then he would have to go back to Christine.

''Why does it even matter?'' She asked angrily, rising from the couch and moving to the window, turning back to him. She didn't want him to see how her eyes became moist. ''How asking all those ridiculous questions is supposed to help me find my daughter?''

''I just want to understand what happened here yesterday.'' Mac said calmly.

''Nothing happened!'' She snapped. ''You're wasting your time! And Ellie is out there somewhere... alone... if something happens to her...'' She brought her hands to her face and Mac quickly stood up, moved towards her and turned her that she was facing him.

''Hey, hey, Jo... I'm sure Ellie's safe and sound.'' He said, putting his arm around her, as if he was reading her mind. She clung to him like he was her last hope. He placed his other hand on the back of her head, stroking her hair. She stood perfectly still, trying not to breath, desperately wanting this moment to last.

Mac swallowed hard, suddenly aware of her body pressed into his. And how little clothing she was wearing. She was still in her pajama and he was able to feel every curve and every dip of her soft body. Every inch of her. He didn't want to, but he knew he had to stop himself. He needed to think clearly. He pulled away.

''She's a clever girl, she won't do anything stupid.'' He said.

''Mac, she's 13... And we both know how high the crime rate in this city is...'' She whispered.

But before Mac had a chance to answer she added. ''I just can't stay here, I have to look for her.'' She moved away from him, heading for her bedroom in order to get dressed. ''I'm going to check all her favorite places.''

''Jo, wait.'' He said going after her and catching her hand. ''I think you should stay here...'' He started, but immediately he could see she wanted to protest. He raised his hand in the air in an attempt of silencing her, but he froze seeing her reaction. She squeezed her eyes shut and slightly turned her head from him. It lasted only a fraction of a second, but it didn't escape his notice. She quickly looked back at him.

''Mac, you don't know where to look for her.'' She said, but he didn't seem to be listening, although he was looking directly at her. His forehead was frowned and she was almost able to hear the rush of thoughts in his head. ''Mac?''

''Hmm?''

''I'm saying I have to go look for Ellie.''

''No.'' Mac said firmly. ''You will give me the list of all places she could be at. I'll call Danny and Don and we will check them. And you will stay here, as she can come back anytime.''

''Fine.'' She murmured, disappearing in her bedroom.

. . .

Jo was pacing across the room like a wild animal in the cage. She couldn't sit down even for a moment, she couldn't focus on anything. With every second she was becoming more and more nervous. It was 5 pm, already 8 hours had passed since she discovered that Ellie had disappeared.

She called Mac a few times to ask if they found out anything, knowing it was pointless, as he would call her any second he would know something. She felt hopeless and it was frustrating her to the bone.

The knock on the door made her change her route from wall to the window. She quickly moved to the door and opened them for Mac.

''Have you find something?'' She asked anxiously and he only nodded in response. ''What?''

He closed the door and locked them. ''What did you find?'' She asked again.

''Jo, you need to sit and calm down.'' Mac said in a soft voice.

''Just tell me!'' She begged. He sighed deeply.

''It doesn't mean anything, so please don't jump to a conclusion.'' He said. ''We got a call from the lost and found office at the bus station. Someone found her jacket, her school ID was inside.''

''Oh dear God.'' Jo moaned. For the second time that day Mac moved her to the couch and sat her down.

''It doesn't mean anything.'' He repeated. ''She could lost it, left it somewhere, someone could steal it from her...'' Jo looked at him and he knew, she didn't believe in his single word. They both knew this job to well to be aware that it didn't look good.

''At the bus station?'' Jo asked in disbelieve.

''Yes. We checked surveillance cameras and she bought some ticket at 7.54 am We don't know what kind of ticket, as she paid with a cash. With $50. But it was expensive, because she got only coins as a change.''

''Were you able to check which bus she got on?'' Jo asked, but Mac shook his head.

''No. There is no surveillance cameras on the platforms. They're changing the whole system at the moment.''

''Perfect.'' Jo murmured. ''So we don't know where she went, we know only it has to be outside New York as the price of the ticket was around $50?''

Mac cleared his throat.

''Actually we don't even know if she got on a bus...''

Jo looked at him and he could tell she knew what he was trying to say.

''Did you check near the bus station?'' She asked quietly.

''Yes, the whole area. We didn't find anything.''

For a moment there was silence between them, then Mac spoke.

''Jo... I need to ask you something. Do you have any idea why she might leave NY?''

She wasn't looking at him, hesitating. She swallowed back her tears, thinking that her little girl left New York, because she didn't feel safe here. And it was her fault Ellie was feeling this way.

''Because for me... it doesn't seem like a simple protest to you bugging her for tiding up her room or, I don't know, coming home earlier.'' He said. ''If you argued and she wanted to teach you a lesson, she would disappear for only couple of hours. Wandering through some mall or staying at her friends, then she would come back home. She wouldn't leave NY.'' He added and Jo nodded. He figured it all out perfectly.

''She heard me and Russ fighting last night. She got really upset.'' Jo said, her voice barely above the whisper. ''She doesn't quite... accept this relationship.'' She admitted even more quietly. She waited for Mac to ask why then she decided to get back to Russ, why she put him on the first place, before her daughter. But he didn't say anything. He only placed his hand on hers and squeezed it.

''So no what?'' Jo asked.

''We have to wait. And hope that whoever she is going to will call you when she arrives.''

''Perfect.'' Jo murmured.

''Have you eaten anything?'' He asked.

''No.''

''I'm going to order some pizza. Any special requests?''

''Mac, I'm not really hungry...'' She started.

''But I am.'' He said. ''I've been running across the city since morning.''

He moved to the kitchen and dialed a pizzeria's number from the leaflet that was on the fridge. Jo heard him ordering big pizza without mushrooms and with double pepperoni. She couldn't help but smile. He was ordering for himself, at least that was what he'd said, but yet somehow it was her favorite pizza. Then she heard him making some noise in the kitchen and after a while he came back to her, handing her a cup.

''Thanks.'' Jo said, taking it from him. She took a sip and winced a little, making him smile.

''It's lemon balm.'' Mac told her.

''I had this in my kitchen?''

''No, I brought it with me.''

She took another sip.

''Not bad. Although I'd rather have coffee.''

''Sure thing.'' He smiled. ''But no coffee for you. You've already made grooves in the floor from the wall to the window.'' He said, making her smirk.

When pizza arrived Mac opened the door and paid. Then he placed it on the table in front of Jo and offered her a piece, but she just shook her head. So he shrugged his shoulders and start eating. After a moment Jo's stomach made a loud rumbling sound. The smell was just delicious and the noises Mac was making made her laugh. When he again moaned while chewing, she gave up and reached for one piece.

''You're terrible.'' She said with a smile.

''But successful.'' He told her, grinning.

She took a bite and couldn't help but moan herself. It was really tasty and she was indeed hungry.

''See, I wasn't lying.'' He said.

Jo wasn't even half way through her piece, already knowing it wouldn't be the last, when her phone rung. She grabbed it, answering quickly.

''Danville.''

''. . .''

''She's where?!'' Jo exclaimed and Mac froze, fixing his eyes on her.

''. . .''

''Is she OK?''

''. . .''

''Yeah, I already know that.'' She said. ''Can you give her a phone? I want to talk to her.''

''. . .''

''Ah... OK.'' Jo murmured.

''. . .''

''Errr...'' She glanced at Mac. ''No, she can't speak to him, he's not here.'' She answered quickly. ''When she's coming back?''

''. . .''

''Eeech... fine.'' Jo sighed. ''Tell her she's grounded until she graduate collage. I'll call you later. Bye.'' She disconnected and put her phone back on the table.

''Ellie's in Richmond.'' She said.

''Richmond?'' Mac repeated, raising his eyebrows.

''Richmond in Virginia.'' Jo clarified. ''She went to my mother.''

''But she's OK?''

''She is. She lost her jacket.'' Jo sighed.

''Who she asked about?''

''Hmm?''

''You've said someone's not here.''

''Oh...'' She looked at him. ''She wanted to talk to Russ.'' Jo answered quickly, turning her gaze away. Mac frowned his eyebrows, thinking it was pretty strange, as Jo had said Ellie didn't like him.

''But she doesn't want to talk to me. And she doesn't want to come back.''

''I'm sure it will pass pretty soon.'' Mac assured her. But she only shook her head. She knew very well how Ellie felt about Russ. She was more than aware she was hurting his daughter with letting him stay with them. But what other choice did she have? It was either that or risking loosing Ellie for good. There seemed not to be a way out from this awful situation.

Jo took a deep breath and tried to push away tears. She knew Mac was watching her and she desperately wanted to escape his scrutiny. Suddenly his phone, that was placed on the table, started to ring, but he ignored it. She glanced at it, seeing caller's ID. It was Christine.

''You should pick up...'' Jo whispered.

''I'll call her later.'' Mac said, throwing his phone into his pocket and focusing his whole attention on Jo again.

''Mac, really, I'm fine.''

''You sure?'' He asked, looking into her eyes.

''Positive.'' She confirmed.

''Because if you want me to stick around... it's not a problem.''

Before she had a chance to answer there was a knock on the door. She got up and opened it, seeing Russ standing in front of her. She sighed deeply.

''Hi, sugar.'' He greeted her, placing a kiss on her cheek and she did her best forcing herself not to jerk away. He was holding a big shopping bag. He peeped inside the living room and saw Mac. ''Hey, Mac.''

Jo raised her eyebrow, thinking it was odd he wasn't at all surprised or angry seeing Mac here. He seemed totally fine with it. Russ moved to the kitchen and Jo followed him.

''What are you doing here?'' She asked in a low voice, not wanting Mac to hear her.

''Look... I'm sorry for yesterday.'' He said, louder than it was necessary. ''I acted like a total jerk.''

She felt confused. Did he really mean it? Or it was only his game, a show he wanted to perform in front of Mac? ''I want to make you a dinner, I bought some wine. We can spend a nice evening together and... make it up.'' He offered, placing his hand on her waist. Then he glanced over her head at Mac. He knew Mac wasn't able to see Jo's face from his place on the couch, only her back.

''Russ, seriously...'' Jo started, but he cut her off.

''If you're still angry, it's OK. Angry sex can be even better.'' He whispered close to her ear, but she was sure Mac was able to hear it, as he rose from the couch suddenly.

She wiggled out of Russ' embrace when she heard Mac speaking.

''Jo, I'll be going.'' He said. ''You'll be fine?'' He asked once again.

She only nodded, being sure that if she opened her mouth, she would end up screaming in frustration.

''No worries, buddy.'' Russ said, wrapping his arm around her again. ''I'll take good care of her.''

''OK, then...'' Mac said, glancing for the last time at Jo. Then his phone started to ring.

''Go.'' Jo whispered. ''Thanks for... everything.''

''Take care.'' He said, heading for the door and answering his phone. ''Hi, Christine... Yeah, sure... Let's meet at my place at 8, OK?'' And he was gone.

. . .

Mac glanced at his watch. It was almost 7 pm. He had a plenty of time to prepare something good to eat. Nothing sophisticated, just something simple and quick, as fancy meals were Christine's specialty. He smiled thinking how sweet she was, always complementing what he cooked, although he was sure she could do it much better.

He unpacked the shopping bag, pulling out shrimp, cherry tomatoes, a bottle of olive oil, a head of garlic, a pack of tagliatelle and a bottle of red wine. He scratched his head, thinking what else he needed. He pulled out butter from the fridge and looked for dried parsley in a box with spices. He knew the fresh one would be better, but he couldn't find any while shopping.

He began to cut cherry tomatoes in halves and his thoughts drifted away. He started to analyze everything Jo told him and putting it together with those things she didn't. His guts were telling him something wasn't right in her relationship with Russ. She seemed sad and scared, refusing to tell what was going on. And her reaction when he raised his hand while silencing her... Like she was afraid he would hit her! He shook his head, thinking it was impossible for her to put herself in some abusive relationship. He knew her too good. At that very moment Russ would even disrespect her, she would tell him to get out and never come back. He knew she was too strong and too proud to let anybody treat her badly.

He threw some butter in a frying pan, reaching for a spoon and almost knocking the bottle of wine off the counter. He cursed loudly and moved it aside. He thought about Russ sitting in Jo's apartment, drinking some wine with her... making love to her. He clenched his fingers on the spoon. He had no idea why he felt so angry thinking about her being with Russ. It was almost like he was jealous, but he knew it couldn't be that. She was only his good friend and co-worker.

He sighed. _Who am I kidding?_ He thought. _Good friend and co-worker! That would be Danny or Don._ But Jo was so much more. He was attracted to her as hell. But then, he was just a man! Every man would be attracted to such a beautiful and charming woman. It was like a crime of opportunity. They spent so much time together, it was just impossible to keep his eyes from wandering over her every now and then. Or to fantasize about her, to imagine how it would be to make love to her. It was just his male nature.

For a moment he froze and stopped stirring shrimp in a pan, getting lost in his thoughts. _But then, if that's the case, why aren't I thinking like that about Lindsay?_ Even considering that made him feel ashamed. Dear God, sweet Lindsay. He was like a daughter to him. He would never think about Lindsay the way he was thinking about Jo! But actually... why? She was around him almost as often as Jo... _Maybe because she is married?_ He thought, but as he did, he already knew it wasn't that. He had never fantasized about Lindsay when she wasn't married and technically, while being back together with her ex-husband, Jo wasn't single either. So why actually Jo was so special to him?

The smell of shrimp getting scorched pulled him out of his thoughts. He quickly started to stir them again, reducing fire under them. He poured some parsley in the pan and checked his watch. He still had at least half an hour to Christine's arrival.

Christine... If being attracted to Jo was his crime of opportunity what was his relationship with Christine then? He would love to say it was crime of passion, but he knew it was very far from that. It was more like a crime of premeditation. Planned in every single detail, rationally considered, goal-orientated. After all it was much better than to be alone every day, having only his work to make him go on. He knew he would be happy with Christine. Well, at least happier than being alone. But was it enough?

He moved to the living room and started to set the table. He pulled out two candles from the drawer and placed them in the middle, right next to a tall vase with a single red rose. It looked nice. He smiled to himself, but suddenly his smile begun to fade away as he thought it looked so nice that one particular thing would also perfectly fit. He rubbed his forehead, wondering if he was really ready to make that move. He felt like standing in a cross-roads, not sure which way he should go. So maybe the best solution was to just choose one of the roads, go down it and never look back? He walked to his bedroom, opened one of the drawers and pulled out a small box covered with green velvet. Then he went back to the living room, placed it on the table and rushed to the kitchen to finish cooking dinner.

. . .

When Christine arrived 5 minutes past 8 pm everything was ready. Mac opened the door for her, placing a quick kiss on her lips.

''Mmmm, it smells delicious!'' She exclaimed when he was helping her to take off her coat. ''Have you cooked on your own?''

''Yeah.'' Mac smiled at her. ''But don't get too excited, it's nothing special.''

She glanced at the table in the living room, then back at him.

''What's the occasion? I hope I didn't forget about anything.'' She told him, smiling.

''No, you didn't.'' Mac smiled back. Then he took a deep breath. ''I guess I should do that after the dinner... But I'm not sure if I would be able to swallow anything...''

She looked at him, totally puzzled.

''What are you talking about?''

''Christine, I want to ask you something...'' He said, pulling out the ring box out from his pocket and opening it with his one hand. ''Will you marry me?''

Christine glanced at the ring, than she looked at him with her eyes wide open. She stepped closer to him, placed a hand on his cheek and smiled warmly.

. . .

**A/N Sooo... what would you say if you were Christine? ;]**

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	7. how I wish, how I wish you were here

. . .

''Mac...'' Christine said softly. ''I'd love to be your wife.'' Mac was just about to let out a relieved, pent-up breath, when she added one word. Three letters that changed everything. ''But...''

He froze, his eyes fixed on her. ''I can't marry a man who is in love with another woman.'' Christine finished and smiled sadly.

He sighed, clearly irritated that she brought this up again at such moment.

''Christine, I've already told you, there is nothing...'' He started, but she silenced him, placing an index finger on his lips.

''Mac, I know what you said. And I know that you told me the truth. You're the most honest man I've ever known.'' He furrowed his eyebrows. It didn't make any sense to him. And then was this word again. ''But... I know you're in love with Jo.'' He tried to speak, so she pressed her finger firmer to his lips. ''When I saw how you were looking at her at the party... Mac, it's so obvious.'' She said and finally moved her hand away.

''Christine, I told you, she's just a good friend.'' He said with clear annoyance in his voice.

''Mac, you don't want to admit it. At least not yet. She's more than your friend. You worry about her, you take care of her. I'm sure you wish she was with you when we are together. Not me.''

He swallowed hard. Could it be possible? Suddenly he became aware that it was Jo, not Christine, who was in his mind all the time. The first thought after he woke up was about her. And the last one, just before he fell asleep.

''And... to be honest with you... I don't think I'm in love with you, either.'' She said quietly, glancing at him, hoping she hadn't hurt his feelings. ''And it has nothing to do with Jo.'' She added quickly. ''I think we just stuck together, because we both felt terribly lonely. I was missing my brother so badly and being close to you... somehow made me feel like I was closer to him.'' He could see her eyes getting moist. She took a deep breath. ''And I know I would grow accustomed to being with you pretty fast. I'm sure it would be wonderful. But then... it wouldn't be love.''

He nodded silently. He knew exactly what she meant. He had been thinking about it for a long time.

''At some point one of us would become very unhappy. Or even both of us. And I don't want to feel like that. And of course I want you to be happy, because you truly deserve it.'' She smiled at him and then, on the spur of the moment, she added: ''Mac, you really should tell Jo how you feel about her.''

''But she's back with her ex...'' Mac murmured.

''Well, she was once with him and he didn't make her happy, did he?''

''I suppose...'' He said, shrugging his shoulder. He looked her in the eyes and she smiled.

''OK... I guess it's time to go.'' She reached for her coat and took it from a hanger.

''You know what? Actually I think you should stay.'' He offered. ''Or it will be awkward?'' He hesitated.

''Maybe a little.'' Christine laughed. ''But I'm afraid that if I leave, you will end up drinking this whole bottle of wine alone. And that could end badly.''

''You're probably right.'' Mac smiled, relaxing slightly. He closed the ring box and was just about to shove it back into his pocket when she stopped him.

''Wait! I didn't take a good look.'' She reached out and took the box from his hand. ''Maybe I'll change my mind.'' She joked, but became serious again when she saw his face. ''Sorry, that was lame...'' She murmured ashamed. Then she opened the box and looked at the ring. ''May I... try it?'' She asked shyly.

''Sure, why not.'' He said.

She pulled out the ring and put it on her finger. It stopped at her knuckle. ''Too small.'' She said looking up at him. ''I am not your Cinderella.'' She smiled, putting the ring back into the box. ''Although I think it's very beautiful.'' She glanced at him and her smile grew wider. ''I'm guessing Jo helped you to pick it out.''

Mac only sighed hearing her.

. . .

Jo was woken up abruptly by the ringing of Russ' phone. She glanced at the clock. It was slightly after 8 am. She heard Russ murmuring something sleepily, saying he would be somewhere as soon as possible. Then he hung up and Jo squeezed her eyelids shut, sensing him leaning over her. His hand sneaked beneath the sheet and to her stomach.

''Babe, are you asleep?'' He asked.

''Mhm...'' She murmured. She felt him pressing an open-mouth kiss to her neck and then to her shoulder. She kept still, pretending to be asleep, wishing he would just leave her alone. After a moment his phone started to ring again and he groaned, moving away from her. He picked it up and stood up from the bed.

''I've already told you! I'm on my way!'' He walked out from the bedroom and Jo breathed a sigh of relief. He heard him making some noise in the living room, then in the kitchen, finally there was the sound of the front door being closed. Only then she rolled over on her back and slightly relaxed. Then she got out from the bed and made a call. She decided to change the locks in her front door in order to prevent Russ from coming in like it was his place. She was more than aware it would make him furious, but she didn't really care. Ellie was safe in Virginia and she didn't have any intention of coming back soon. And whatever Russ was capable to do to her, she could stand. The one thing she couldn't was feeling unsafe in her own home.

Shivering because of the cold, she took off her pajama and cast it aside. She pulled on black trousers and black tank top, wrapping herself in a gray, thick knitted, tie waist cardigan. It was soft and cozy and she immediately felt warmer.

She went to the kitchen and started the coffee maker. Then she opened a fridge, wanting to pulled out some milk, but there was any.

''Damn it...'' She stopped the coffee maker and sighed. It seemed that she had to deal with the morning without her daily portion of caffeine.

She was just about to decide to make a quick run to the nearest grocery shop, when her cellphone started to ring. She rushed to the bedroom, hoping it was Ellie.

''Danville.''

''Hi, Jo.'' She heard Mac's voice and even though she was disappointed it wasn't her daughter, she still smiled.

''Hi. What's up?''

''I hope I didn't wake you up.''

''Nope.''

''I was just thinking... since we both have an afternoon shift today... maybe you would like to have a brunch with me?'' He offered shyly. ''Of course if you don't have any other plans.''

''Err... actually...'' She glanced at the clock. The guy who was supposed to change the locks should be at her place around 9 am. ''What time do you want to meet?''

''Well, I don't know, 10.30 maybe?''

''Yeah, 10.30 is fine. Where?''

''I was thinking about this small cafeteria near your place. It is called 'Cinnamon' or something like that...''

'' 'Cardamon'.'' She clarified, smiling.

''Yeah, that's it.'' He said and from the tone of his voice she could tell he was also smiling.

''So, 10.30 there?'' She asked and he became silent for a second.

''You know, on second thought, could it be 11? I've just remembered I have to stop off somewhere on my way.''

''Fine. See you there.''

''Bye.''

She hung up and looked through the window. _That was strange._ She thought. _He has never invited me anywhere over the phone. _Almost always it was she who took initiative and in those rare cases when it had been Mac, he had done it spontaneously, when they were finishing work at the same time or while coming back to the department from a crime scene. But he had never called her saying he wanted to meet before. Jo frowned her eyebrows, wondering if something had happened.

. . .

When Jo arrived at the cafeteria Mac was already waiting for her outside. He smiled seeing her, but as she approached, his smile disappeared.

''Jo, is that your winter coat?''

''Yeah. What's wrong with it?''

''It's too thin. It's only 22 degrees today.''

She looked at him, trying to figure out if he was serious. And he was.

''I've got a really warm cardigan beneath. Want to see?'' She asked, starting to undo the buttons of her coat.

''Maybe inside.'' He said, quickly guiding her to a door.

''Oh, and I even have those gloves from you.'' She stopped short, showing her glove-covered hands to him.

''Well, that makes one hell of a difference.'' He murmured, opening the door for her.

''I'm not cold, really.'' She assured him, stepping inside.

''But I am, when I look at you.'' He said and she rolled her eyes. She stepped inside, looking around, not sure where he wanted to sit down. She looked at him over her shoulder and he smiled at her. ''You choose.''

She moved to a table in a corner, near to a window. Then she took her coat off and placed it on an empty chair. He looked at her, seeing she was indeed wearing a warm, slightly over-sized sweater, which made her look really... huggable. He had no idea how such a word found its way to his mind, but it was fitting perfectly as all he was thinking about was locking his arms around her and never letting her go.

Jo walked to a counter, then turned around, waiting for him. He placed his coat on the empty chair as well and rushed after her. She ordered a big latte and a piece of cherry cheesecake, after spending just a ridiculous amount of time making that choice. He bought a simple black coffee for himself and they moved to the table. She sat in front of him and tug up her sleeves slightly, before reaching for a sugar bowl. He looked down and was able to see that the skin on her wrists seemed reddened and slightly abraded. He raised his head, just about to ask her what happened, when he remembered what Russ had said to her about make up sex. He couldn't stop his eyes from sweeping over her, looking for some others signs. He noticed a bruise on her neck, then his gaze returned to her wrists. Involuntarily he imagined Russ holding her hands above her head by the wrists, while he was kissing her neck hard. Sucking in her skin. Nipping at it with his teeth. He shook his head, trying to push those images away.

Part of him couldn't believe she liked it rough. In his eyes she was so feminine, delicate, almost fragile. He could barely imagine caressing her with his big, coarse hands. But if he did, he would keep his touch as gentle as possible, nearly worshiping her smooth and soft skin. He was sure it would feel like the finest silk against his fingertips. And if he dared to touch her with his lips, he would place only featherlight kisses on her neck. Along her collarbone. And down her cleavage.

When he was fantasizing about being with her it was always like that. Slowly. Gently. With so much care. Like he was holding in his hands the most precious thing in the world.

He sighed deeply, getting more frustrated by the second. It seemed he was totally helpless with women. He thought he knew Jo so well, but it had just became clear to him that he wouldn't guess in a million years what she needed, what she wanted. What made her back arch and her toes curl. But it wasn't such a big surprise, after all he had just proposed to woman who didn't love him, who turned him down. He let out another deep sigh.

Jo looked at him, half amused and half annoyed by his silence. There was clearly something on his mind, but as usual, she had to drag it out from him.

''Mac...'' She said softly, trying to look him in the eyes. ''What happened?''

He raised his head, immediately being caught by her gaze. He couldn't help but smile. She looked so adorable, slightly inclined towards him, with her head tilted to the side.

''I proposed yesterday.'' He finally uttered.

''Oh...'' It was all Jo managed to say. It felt like her heart was sinking. Her unspoken dreams were just about to die, as longing for a married man was just pathetic. How could she act like she was happy for him when she felt like crying? She took a deep breath, trying to put her words in a standard congratulatory formula, when he added: ''She said 'no'.''

Jo's breath was caught in her throat. For a moment she was sure it was her mind, trying to keep her from going crazy. But when she looked at him, she knew it was real. He did say that. But still... it was just unbelievable!

''She said what?''

''She said 'no'.'' Mac repeated a little louder, thinking she didn't hear him the first time.

'' 'No'?'' She asked again, making Mac frown his eyebrows. He felt like he was speaking some foreign language. ''I'm sorry.'' She added quickly seeing his expression. ''But... is she insane?!''

He noticed with embarrassment how several people turned to look at Jo after her exclamation.

''Jo, really... you don't have to do that...'' He murmured.

''It just makes my mind boggle!'' She exclaimed again and he could feel how corners of his mouth raised. He had to admit that her reaction boosted his ego really nicely. ''Did she say why?'' Jo asked, and this light smile instantly disappeared from his lips.

''Well... she told me she doesn't love me.'' He said, but as he looked at her face he quickly added: ''And she made me realize I don't love her either.''

She gave him a puzzled look.

''You don't?'' He only shook his head. ''But... you said...''

''I know. I guess I was just fooling myself.'' He admitted, spreading his hands hopelessly. ''After all, being single isn't that great, you know.''

''Well, that's kinda true.'' Jo agreed. ''Sometimes it feels really... bad.'' She swallowed hard, thinking about how desperate she had felt when she spend the first night with Russ. And what a snowball effect it had caused. She could understand that feeling lonely could push one into wrong relationship. But deciding to propose marriage was so much bigger. When Mac had told her he was going to propose it didn't even cross her mind that he could have some doubts about his feelings for Christine.

''So now what?'' She asked.

''Nothing. It's pretty much over.'' He told her.

''Will you... try to change her mind?'' She asked hesitantly.

He looked at her and smiled. _Oh Jo, if only you knew... _He thought.

''No, I won't. There is simply no use.''

She studied him for a moment, mindlessly stirring her coffee.

''What?'' He asked finally, seeing her gaze.

''Should I be worried about you?'' She asked honestly concerned.

''No.'' He answered, smiling lightly at her. Then he cleared his throat, signaling silently that this part of conversation was over. Then he checked his watch. ''We've got 10 minutes. You need some help with that?'' He asked, pointing at her cherry cheesecake with his head.

''Nope.'' She answered, putting a cake-fork with a bite in her mouth. Then she squinted her eyes and let out a moan of delight, teasing him.

''Oh, I think you do.'' He said, taking his tea-spoon and trying to reach Jo's cake with it. But she was quicker, moving it away.

''Stay away!'' She warned.

''You won't share?'' He asked making a sad face.

''No.'' She stated firmly, trying not to laugh at his expression. ''I can order you a piece if you want, you know.''

''I want yours.'' He said, challenging her with his eyes.

''Of course you do.'' She chuckled. ''Men! You always want the most what you can't have.''

''I couldn't agree more.'' He said, his eyes still fixed on her. She brought his attention back to the cake, putting a rather hearty piece of it on her fork and offering him a bite, which he gratefully accepted. ''Just don't get too excited, it's just a teaser.'' She said. ''To let you know what you are missing.'' She added, smiling at him and taking another bite.

_. . ._

After such a pleasurable morning, having to stay at work until 8 pm could seem like a nightmare. But as Jo kept herself busy, she didn't even notice the time that had passed by. It was already 9.46 pm when she raised her head from the papers hearing a knock on her office door. She smiled seeing it was Mac.

''Come on, leave it, I'll drive you home.'' He said, entering.

''You know what? I think I'll stay a bit longer. I want to finish filling out those reports.'' She said. ''But thanks anyway.''

''And how exactly do you want to get home without a car?'' He asked, coming closer to her.

''There is a metro station 10 minutes away from my place.''

''I don't want you to go by metro. It's too late. Not to mention it's freezing.''

''I'll be fine, really.'' She said, smiling at him. He sighed.

''OK, I'll be honest with you.'' Mac said in a serious tone. He almost smiled, seeing that he caught her attention easily that way. ''The parking lot is really spooky at that hour. It scares the hell out of me. I don't want to go alone.'' He complained keeping his face serious, but she could see those playful sparkles in his eyes.

''Mac Taylor! You're just impossible.'' She laughed, putting the papers down. He smiled. It was so good to hear her laughter, he didn't even realize how he had missed it.

''Come on.'' He repeated, offering her his hand.

''I want at least to finish this one. Give me 2 minutes.'' Jo said.

''OK, I'll wait.'' He said, sitting on the couch.

Jo returned to filling out the papers. She filled out the last section and then turned the page. From the corner of her eyes she saw Mac watching her. When she was done with an half of the page she checked again. Still, his stare was fixed on her. She nervously tugged strand of hair behind her ear and shifted a little. Then she looked down at the papers. She could feel his eyes on her and how it was making her body tingle. For a brief moment she thought that if his stare was making her feel that way, how would his touch feel. His hands sliding over her skin. Followed by his lips...

She turned a little away from him and tried to focus on the report again. She crossed her legs, desperately wanting them to stop from shaking.

''Having some troubles?'' Mac asked so close that she nearly jump in her seat. He placed one hand on her desk and the other on the back of her chair, leaning oven her and looking into the report. She looked up at him and took a sharp breath, seeing how close he was. His smell filled her senses and she barely refrained from letting out a faint moan. The first button of his shirt was undone, leaving the collar open and she imagined brushing her lips against his neck, opening his shirt more and running her hands across his chest, losing herself in his smell...

''Jo?'' His voice brought her back to her senses.

''Err... I'll finish it tomorrow.'' She said quickly, shoving the report under the pile of paper and standing up, forcing him to back off.

''OK.'' He simply said. He moved to the hanger and took her coat, holding it for her. When she put it on, he fixed her collar and then smiled at her. ''You're ready?''

She only nodded, not trusting her ability to speak. He grabbed his coat from the coach, turned the lights off and followed her, placing his hand on the small of her back. As always.

. . .

All the way to her place Jo was unusually quiet. Mac was trying his best to lighten up her mood, talking about some random stuff, but all he got back were her monosyllabic answers. He even told her two jokes he heard from Don the day before, but she only smirked at them. He stopped outside her building, switched off the engine and before she managed to tell him goodbye he asked:

''Jo, what's going on?''

She looked at him and sighed.

''I'm sorry. I guess I'm not the greatest companion tonight.'' She became silent for a moment and then she added, much more quietly: ''I'm worrying about Ellie.''

''She's still not talking to you?''

''No.''

''She seems as stubborn as her mom.'' Mac said, making another attempt to make her smile, but it was unsuccessful as well. ''I'm sure she'll forget about it pretty soon and everything will be just fine.''

''I hope.'' Jo whispered, sounding not at all convinced. Then she looked up at her windows. Mac followed her eyes, not sure what she wanted to see, as they were totally dark.

''You want me to walk you to your door?'' He asked.

For a moment she thought about saying yes, as she felt anything but ready to part with him. She didn't want to come back to the empty apartment. This quiet was so unnatural and almost painful as with every second it was making her think she hurt so much the one she loved the most. She knew the evening would finally end when she curl up under a blanket, feeling cold and lonely, trying to trick her own mind and make it believe that the pillow beside her felt just like his comforting embrace. She looked at him, wondering how it was possible to long for someone who was so close, an arm's length away. She sighed.

''No, thanks. I'll be fine.'' She said, forcing a smile. Then she got out of the car and before she closed the door she added: ''See ya tomorrow.''

He walked her with his eyes and when she disappeared behind the door to her building, he started the engine and turned, heading towards the street.

. . .

Jo exited the elevator and walked to her door, trying to find keys in her purse at the same time. She finally pulled them out and unlocked the door slowly. She entered her apartment, locked the door behind her and chained it. She threw the keys on the small table in the corner, but she heard how they fell from it and hit the ground.

''Damn...'' She cursed and turned on the light, reaching for the keys, when Russ' voice stopped her dead in her tracks.

''Hello, Jo.''

He moved from the couch and approached her. She blinked twice seeing him, not quite sure if he was real or it was her mind playing tricks with her.

''How did you manage... I've changed locks!''

''Yeah, I know.'' He chuckled. ''But you gave one set of keys to your doorman. And when I told him I'm your husband and I came here from DC to give you a surprise he gave them to me without saying a word.''

''What the hell? He shouldn't...''

''Oh, and I flashed him my FBI ID.'' He added. ''You have no idea what those TV shows are doing to people. They would believe in everything you told them if you only say you're from FBI.'' He said coming even closer to her.

''I want you to leave.'' Jo stated firmly.

''I want so many things, too.'' Russ sighed theatrically. ''For example I want you to start acting like my wife...''

''I'm not your wife.'' She cut him off. He raised his hand and chuckled seeing her flinched.

''And not interrupt me when I speak.'' He added. ''So, Mac drove you home again, hmm?'' He said, taking off her coat and throwing it on a hanger. ''It took you some time to say goodbye to him. Or maybe you just let him paw you in the car?''

''He's nothing like that.'' Jo said in disgust.

''I know, he's such a gentleman.'' Russ said, mocking her and starting to unbutton her cardigan. ''But you know, even a gentleman can't help himself but take advantage of a woman that easy.'' He finished with the buttons and pushed the piece of clothing off her shoulders, making it fall to the floor. Then he brought his hands to a hem of her top, lifting it and placing his palms on her bare stomach. She was like frozen, thinking frantically what she could do. ''I can see you finally managed to remember that you are mine and I have every right to do whatever I want to you.'' He said, grabbing her hips painfully, his fingers digging into her flesh. ''Now I have to make you remember that you are only mine.'' He lowered his head, but before he could kiss her she dug her heel into his foot with as much force as she could. When he yelled in pain and let go off her she pushed him back and rushed to the hanger, pulling out the phone from her coat's pocket. She pressed the speed dial for Mac, but before it managed to connect Russ gripped her wrist, twisting it painfully. She heard a snap and she cried out in agony, letting the phone slip from between her fingers. Between the stars dancing in her eyes, she saw Russ bending down in order to reach her phone. She seized the opportunity and kicked him, putting all her strength behind it.

''You bitch!'' He yelled when her knee made a contact with his nose. He fell on his knees and brought his hands to his face, trying to stop the bleeding. Jo scanned the floor, wanting to locate her phone, but she couldn't see it anywhere. She moved to the door and started to unlock it with her left hand. When she was done she pulled them open, but the chain she had forgot to remove stopped it. She cursed loudly and reached for the chain, but then suddenly Russ' hand pushed the door close. He turned her around forcefully and slammed her back against the door. His face was a bloody mess, but nonetheless she could still see how furious he was.

''That was a really bad idea, Jo.'' He hissed out. Then he smacked her across her face with the back of his hand so hard, that she blacked out.

. . .

Already on the main street, Mac was heading back home. He winced, thinking about that word. Home. It was nothing more than a place where he spent his time between coming from work and going to it. So very quiet and empty. It wasn't like that when Christine used to be there, at least she was bringing some warmth – it was much easier for him to stay in this place with her, as he didn't feel so lonely. But now even that was over.

He sighed deeply stopping at red lights. He looked to the side, seeing a couple going down the street, hugging, smiling. So very happy. He turned his gaze away and he spotted something on the passenger seat. He reached for it and took a closer look. It was one of Jo's gloves. Those he had bought for her when they had gone ice-skating. He smiled lightly, remembering how she had rolled her eyes at his remark that she should have them on a string. It seemed he was nothing but right. He thought he most definitely wouldn't resist the temptation and give her 'I told you' line when he would see her for the next time. He smiled even more, thinking how it would make her get the hump. Or rather how she would pretend to get one.

He imagined her frantically looking for this glove in the morning, just before going out. The image made him chuckle. But then he remembered how cold her hands had been that day on the rink. He toyed with the glove in his hand, thinking how strange it would seem if he turned and went back to her place in order to give it back to her. She would probably think he lost his mind. But he would have an excuse to see her again. An excuse lame as hell, but still...

He heard a car honking behind him. He glanced at the light and saw it was already green. He pressed the gas pedal and, violating at least half a dozen traffic laws, made a quick turn before cars in front of him moved in his direction. He could hear the car's tires scratching and some more car's honking, but he couldn't care less.

. . .

**A/N First of all many thanks for lovely reviews of the last chapter. They really mean a lot for me.  
**

**I've tried to put this chapter up earlier, I really have. But somehow it was so refractory to shaping... Somewhere in the middle I got really frustrated that it's already 7th chapter and I'm still not in the point where I would be able to write something hot happening between them... So that's why their thoughts are such as no other.**

**As always I would love to know what do you think, so if you have any opinion, please share it with me.  
**

**And I'm really sorry for all mistakes. I did read it after writing and before posting, even though my eyes were closing of their own accord (it's 4.43 am here, it's late even for me!) but I have to admit - sometimes I just don't see them... If you do and you bothered by it, let me know and I'll be happy to correct them.  
**


	8. we're just two lost souls

. . .

Mac was just about to push the button on Jo's intercom, when the door was pulled open by an elderly lady. She held it open, saying:

''Come on, Fnukie, don't lag behind.'' She moved a little and Mac held the door for her, peeping inside and wanting to check to whom she was talking. He almost jumped out of his skin at the high pitched squeaking sound coming from somewhere near his feet. He looked down and saw a chihuahua wearing a tiny pink sweater.

''Fnukie, behave!'' The lady spoke and the dog followed her to the alley in front of the building. Mac scowled, thinking about how it was possible for something that was the size of a rat to make so much noise. He stepped inside and, as always, took the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator.

He hastened to Jo's door and was just about to knock, when he heard some strange sound coming from the inside. It sounded like a small cry and he froze, listening carefully. Then he heard some male voice growling:

''I'm gonna make you pay for what you've done...''

Then his heart skipped a beat when he heard Jo begging him to let go of her.

''Jo!'' He yelled, reaching for the door-knob and pushing the door open, but only slightly, as it was stopped by the chain. He cursed under his breath and backed off a bit.

''Mac, help...!'' She cried out, but was immediately silenced and all he could hear were her muffled sobs.

He pushed his shoulder against the door, but the chain wouldn't give up.

''Owww! You bitch!'' He heard a male voice yell in pain and then Jo screamed in agony.

The blood in his veins was pumping faster with every second and he felt every muscle in his body tense. He slammed against the door with a great force and it finally flew open. He saw Russ holding Jo pinned against the wall. When Russ saw him he pushed her aside violently and she sunk to the floor. Mac's first impulse was to get to her and check if she was fine, but he didn't get a chance to do that, as he had to dodge Russ' punch. He quickly glanced at him, seeing he was heavily bleeding from his nose and he was pressing his left palm to his eye. Without any difficulties he slammed him against the door and immobilized him by pressing his arm to his neck.

''Why don't you pick on someone your own size?'' Mac growled, loosing his grip on him slightly, letting him try to throw a punch again. When he did, Mac easily blocked it and hit him in the jaw. ''That's all you've got, you pathetic scumbag?'' Mac asked angrily and punched him again, this time in the stomach, making him groan in pain and double over. He felt like beating the crap out of him. He wanted to punch him some more, but suddenly Jo's crying brought him to his senses. He opened the door wide and threw Russ out, into the corridor.

''You'd better disappear before I change my mind and kill you!'' He yelled after him.

Then he slammed the door behind him and immediately turned to Jo. She was sitting on the floor, her back pressed to the wall. Her knees were bent, pulled to her chest and she was hugging herself, hiding her head in her arms. He knelt next to her, placing his hand on her shoulder.

''Jo...'' He whispered gently. ''He's gone.''

But she didn't move. Her shoulders were trembling and he was able to hear her quiet sobs.

''Jo... Please, look at me.''

Finally she raised her head, looking directly into his eyes. Her face was wet with tears and he could see a bruise forming beneath her left eye. It was red and already swollen, with a small cut. _That bastard._ Mac swore in his mind. _He knew exactly where to hit to cause the biggest pain._

''Come on, stand up.'' He said, taking her by her hands. She slightly winced and pulled her right hand away from him. He gently gripped it again and studied her wrist. It looked sprained or even broken. He let go of it and used her left hand to slightly pull her up.

She stood in front of him and tried to cover herself, but she couldn't as her top was ripped open and was missing some buttons.

''I have to change.'' She said in a shaky voice.

''OK.'' He simply said. He watched as she reached down to her trousers, trying to button them, but her hands were shaking too badly. He placed his hands over hers and buttoned her trousers for her. She looked up at him, embarrassed by the fact he knew what Russ was going to do to her. Another broken sob escaped from between her lips.

''Jo, you want me to hold you for a moment?'' He asked gently.

''Yes...'' She whispered. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. He could feel her whole body pressing into his, like she wanted to hide in his arms. He held her for a long while, stroking her back gently, trying to calm her down. It seemed to be helping as she stopped crying and she wasn't shaking anymore. She pulled away and looked up to him.

''Thanks.'' She whispered. He didn't say anything, only smiled at her.

''We need to put some ice on this bruise.'' He said.

''OK, but I need another top first.''

''Sure.'' He said and let go of her. She went to her bedroom and opened her closet, looking for something to wear. She pulled out some plain t-shirt. He was right behind her, wanting to make sure she didn't need any help. She took off her torn top and was just about to put her t-shirt on when he stopped her.

''God, Jo.'' He whispered, looking at the bruises on her hips, stomach and ribcage. She swallowed hard when he approached her.

''Mac...'' She mumbled, truly embarrassed that he was studying her body. She wanted to jerk away, feeling his rough hands touching her. But his touch was so gentle, almost soothing. ''It's OK... they are... old.''

Mac closed his eyes, trying to find the strength to not go after Russ in order to kill him.

''Jesus, what has he done to you?'' He asked and could feel that she tensed instantly. ''You should report it...''

''I... can't.'' Jo whispered. ''And it wouldn't make any difference.'' She added quickly.

''Why?'' Mac asked. Then it struck him. ''It wasn't the first time, was it?'' He asked angrily, looking directly at her, seeing she backed off slightly because of his sudden outburst. ''Did he hit you or... hurt you before?'' He asked again, more gently, but she remained silent. ''Jo, I asked you a question...'' She finally looked at him, her eyes big and shiny with tears.

''Yes, he did.'' She whispered and he drew in a shaky breath.

''Then why did you stay with him? I don't really understand.''

''Mac... I really don't want to talk about it now...'' She pleaded, her voice breaking. ''Please...''

He sighed. He couldn't fight the feeling that it all wouldn't have happened if she had told him the truth. But she seemed to be exhausted, he didn't want to put her under more stress tonight.

''OK.'' He whispered. ''But you have to promise me that you will tell me everything.''

She clenched her eyes tightly, thinking how she would be able to tell him what Russ had done to her.

''Jo, I want to help you.'' He assured her. ''But you have to stop keeping things from me. We'll talk about it tomorrow.''

''OK.'' Jo finally whispered. Then his gaze fell again on her bruised body.

''Maybe I should take you to the hospital? You may have some internal bleeding.'' Mac said with an evident concern in his voice. She quickly pulled on her t-shirt.

''I really don't think so... It doesn't hurt... anymore.'' She said and he involuntarily clenched his fists, thinking about how badly Russ had hurt her.

''And your wrist? It could be broken.''

''I think it's only sprained. I can still move it...'' She did as she said, wincing.

''… but it hurts like hell.'' He finished for her.

''Yeah.''

''OK. But I'll keep an eye on you and if I see that you're not feeling well, we will go straight to the hospital.'' He warned her.

''Fine.'' She agreed reluctantly.

''Now, tell me where do you keep the first aid kit.''

''In the cabinet in the bathroom.''

Mac told her to sit on the coach in the living room and he found the kit. Then he went to the kitchen to grab some ice and painkillers. He sat next to her, clearing her cut. She winced a little, although he tried to be as gentle as possible. Then he bandaged her wrist and placed a bag with ice on her cheek, which made her hiss.

''Does it hurt?'' He asked.

''No, it's just cold.''

''Well, that's the point.'' Mac smiled lightly at her. He held it for a few minutes and after he moved it away he saw that her eyes were closed and she was slightly leaning against him, feeling suddenly tired because of the stress and drowsy from the painkillers. He reached for a blanket and his movement caused Jo to open her eyes and she tried to sit straight.

''Oh, sorry...'' She murmured sleepily.

''No, it's fine.'' He said, covering her with the blanket and putting his arm over her. ''Stay like this.''

But she didn't snuggle to him again. Instead she looked at him for a moment and then all of a sudden she leaned towards him, ever so slightly brushing her lips against his. Mac froze, unsure how he should react and when he did nothing, he could feel her moving even closer to him, her lips pressing more firmly to his, like she was begging him for a response. It felt so good he wanted to pull her closer, wrap his arms around her trembling body and kiss her endlessly. But his common sense made him move away from her. He placed his hands on her shoulders, trying to put some distance between them. She didn't give him a chance to read through her emotions as her eyes were closed.

''Jo... Don't do that.'' He said gently, but he could feel her tense anyway. Those cruel words that Russ had said to her started to ring in her head. That she'd never get anyone better than him, that she's worthless and useless, that she deserved to be treated badly and there was no chance that a nice guy, a guy like Mac, would ever feel anything for her. She couldn't stop a tear that escaped from beneath her eyelid, making Mac's heart ache. She tried to stand up, but he stopped her.

''Jo, you're confused and hurt. You want some comfort, not me.'' He started to explain calmly. ''I don't want you to feel bad about it later and I can't take advantage of you, when you are... like this.''

_Like this!_ Jo thought. _Of course he doesn't want me. I let Russ take what he wanted, I did nothing to stop him. I'm nothing more than a slut._ She felt more tears threatening to come down her face. She moved away from him.

''Jo, wait. Talk to me.'' Mac begged, but she already left the room. He followed her, but she entered

her bedroom and closed the door behind her. He wanted to come in after her, but he was afraid that such an invasion of her privacy might upset her even more. He gently knocked on the door, but there was no answer.

''Jo? May I come in?''

''Go away!'' She cried out, her voice breaking. ''Leave me alone.''

''It's not going to happen.'' Mac said firmly.

He decided to go back to the living room and check on her later. He sank on the couch, closing his eyes and thinking about everything that just had happened. He wasn't sure how long he was sitting like that, but after a while he decided to check if Jo fell asleep. He moved to the door and gently opened it. She was lying on the bed, curled up into a ball. He felt great sorrow gripping at his heart as he couldn't fight the impression that she looked like a wounded animal. He quietly moved towards her, grabbing the blanket from the armchair and, careful not to wake her up, covered her with it. He watched her for a couple of moments and then he exited the room, leaving the door slightly ajar.

. . .

Mac was woken up by the sound of pouring rain. He raised his head, looking through the window and seeing only cascades of water going down the glass surface. He stretched his neck. His whole body was stiff from sleeping in a sitting position.

Then suddenly some strange sound caught his attention. It was something between a whimper and a sob and he stood up quickly, heading for Jo's bedroom. At first he couldn't see what was going on, as it was dark in there, but then he heard this sound again and saw how Jo was tossing helplessly on the bed, turning from one side to another. He climbed on the bed near her and gently stroked her cheek, trying to wake her up.

''Jo...'' He whispered softly.

''No...'' She moaned in her sleep. ''Please don't... No...''

''Jo... wake up. Jo!''

Finally she opened her eyes and gasped, seeing him so close to her. She tried to move away, but he stopped her.

''Get off...'' She started, but suddenly went quiet as she realized it was him. ''Oh God, Mac.'' She whispered in relief. But then she took a shaky breath and started crying.

''Hey, Jo...'' He pulled her closer, trying to calm her down. ''It was just a nightmare, you're fine now.''

He could feel her whole body shaking and it was breaking his heart seeing her so upset.

''I was dreaming... he was here... forcing me...'' She tried to speak, gasping for a breath between sobs.

''Shhh... It's OK now.'' He whispered, putting his arms around her and bringing her so close to him, that he was able to feel her heart galloping in her chest. ''You're safe. I'm here.''

She wrapped her arms around him, snuggling against his chest.

''Can you stay with me... for a moment?'' She asked quietly, her voice still trembling.

''As long as you want.''

She went silent and he felt her body starting to relax slowly. But then the flash of lighting lit up the sky outside the window and the thunder crashed loudly somewhere close. Jo shuddered at the sound, tensing immediately. He brought his hand to the back of her head, gently stroking her hair.

''It's just a thunderstorm.'' He whispered softly. He noticed that his voice seemed to calm her. ''When I was a small kid my mom used to tell me that I shouldn't be afraid of thunderstorms as it's only angels bowling. I remember finding it very disrespectful of them, especially when they did it at night, when I was trying to sleep.''

He looked down at her face and saw she was smiling. She shifted slightly, nestling comfortably in his arms. Little by little her heartbeat slowed down and her breathing became more even. And when her hands slipped from his back he knew she was finally fast asleep. He gently reached for her injured hand and placed it on his hip as he knew it would be better for it to be up.

He closed his eyes, but he found it hard to fall asleep, as he was still overwhelmed by what had happened. He couldn't push from his mind the thought that if he didn't turn back, Jo would end up hurt even worse. He swallowed hard. He could still hear her scream in pain, crying for help. He would like to kill the bastard, to make him suffer for what he had done. But for now he knew he had to take care of Jo. To make her feel safe again.

. . .

When Mac woke up from his restless sleep again, it was already light outside. He tried not to move, as he didn't want to disturb Jo's sleep, but, much to his surprise, his arms were empty. He rose from the bed, seeing her curled up as far away from him as she could, close to the edge of the bed, facing away. He sighed deeply, standing up and heading to the kitchen. He decided to make some breakfast, then wake her up and check how she was feeling. He looked into the fridge and cabinets, finding some eggs, bread, butter, ham and cheese. It had to do for now and later he planned to do some shopping for her anyway.

He prepared everything, started a coffee maker and was just about to go to Jo's bedroom and wake her up, when he saw her standing in the kitchen door.

''Hi.'' He smiled at her. ''How do you feel?''

''Good.'' Jo answered quietly. He took a closer look. She seemed anything but good. ''Mac, about last night... I'm really sorry for what I did.'' She murmured quietly. ''I feel really... pathetic.''

''Jo... we both know that people react differently in situations like that. It's really... not a big deal.'' He assured her.

''That's good.'' She said and for a moment he was sure there was a hint of sadness in her voice. But he had no idea if that was because of what he said or because what had happened in general.

''How's your wrist?'' Mac asked, coming closer to her.

''It hurts.'' She admitted. He took her hand gently and studied it. It looked worse than previously. It was swollen, with a nasty bruise around it.

''I think you should get it checked by a doctor...'' He started, but she cut him off.

''No, I don't want to.'' She protested immediately, moving her hand away from him. He shook his head in disbelief.

''Sit down.'' He asked and she complied. Then he turned her slightly towards the daylight and looked at the bruise beneath her eye. ''And here?'' He asked, gently touching her skin around the bruise, but she hissed anyway. ''Does it hurt?''

''Yes...''

He pulled away and looked at her. ''Jo, your cheekbone might be fractured.'' She turned her gaze away, showing her stubbornness, and he became aware that he would achieve nothing asking her nicely. ''I want you to eat something and after that I'm taking you to the hospital.'' He stated firmly. He was sure she would protest feistily, but instead of that she looked at him with tearful eyes and almost begged:

''Mac, I really don't want to.''

''Why? You're not scare of doctors, are you?'' He joked, but she didn't even smile.

''No... I just... don't want anybody to...''

''To touch you?''

''Yes.'' She said, turning her gaze away again.

''But... I'm touching you...''

''Yes, but... I trust you.''

He sighed deeply. He crouched down to her level, placing his hands on her knees for support. He swallowed deeply, trying not to think what that bastard had done to her to traumatize her so much.

''Jo, listen...'' She forced herself to look at him. ''If you want me to, I'll be with you the whole time. I can even get myself X-rayed with you.'' He saw a shadow of a smile on her lips. ''Okay?'' He asked and she nodded. He stood up and placed two plates in front of her.

''So, croque-madame or croque-monsieur?''

She examined toasts he had prepared.

''Croque-monsieur.'' She decided, choosing the one with ham and cheese only, leaving the other, with a fried egg on top, for him. ''Unless you wanted it?'' She hesitated.

''Nope, I prefer madame over monsieur.'' He titled his head, looking her in the eyes and trying to make her smile. And this time he was successful.

''Sure you do.'' Jo admitted with a smile. Then she took a bite and froze.

''What?'' He asked, confused by her reaction.

She swallowed and said: ''It's really good.''

''Yeah? And why exactly are you so surprised?'' Mac teased her.

''I would never suspect it's possible to make something that yummy using only what I had in my fridge.'' He only smiled hearing that. Then he offered her a glass of orange juice. She glanced at his black coffee, but before she managed to ask he said:

''You don't have any milk. You want it black?''

''No...'' She answered, wrinkling her nose and taking a sip of juice.

''That's what I thought.'' He murmured.

Jo finished her toast quickly and stood up, putting her plate into the sink.

''Just leave it. I'll clean it up, you go get dressed.'' He said.

''OK, thanks.'' She answered reluctantly and exited the kitchen.

Mac cleaned up after breakfast and washed the dishes. Then he moved to the living room and stood close to the bedroom door, wanting to check if she was ready. But before he knocked he heard her murmuring a curse.

''Damn it...''

''Jo? Are you OK.'' He asked concerned, slowly opening the door.

''Don't come in! I'm... not ready yet.'' She warned and he stopped. Then he heard her yelp in pain.

''You need...'' He cleared his throat. ''You need some help?''

''No...'' She let out a frustrated groan. ''I mean... yes... but... Oh, it's just silly.'' She opened the door slowly and stood up in front of him, covering her chest with her top. His eyes swept over her bare shoulders and then returned to her face. Her eyes were fixed on the floor and her cheeks were covered with a delicate pink blush. She looked adorably embarrassed.

''What is it?''

''I can't hook my bra with only one hand.'' She said quietly.

''Oh...'' Mac let out a relieved sigh. For a moment he was afraid it was something serious. ''You should have just asked me.'' He put his arms on her shoulder and gently made her turn around. ''It's not like I haven't seen a naked woman before, you know.'' He joked.

''I am not naked.'' She bridled.

''I mean, I'm maybe not exactly skilled in hooking bras, but... it's just like unhooking, only... the opposite, right?'' He chuckled, trying to cover his own abashment.

''Could you just do it?'' She sighed, rolling her eyes.

He wanted to tease her some more, but when his eyes fell on her naked back he forgot how to speak. The natural arch of her back was so well defined and sensual. And those tiny dimples just above the waistline of her jeans... They made him totally lost. He was mesmerized. It took all his strength not to put his hands on her waist, on this narrowest part of her body where she was so tiny, so small and then slide them slowly to the delicious curves of her hips. It was just insane, he hadn't felt such a rush of desire in his entire life. He barely registered that she turned her head and spoke.

''Mac?''

''Umm. Yeah...'' He reached for the clasp of her black bra, trying not to imagine how it looked like in the front. Black lace covering her perfect breasts. He swallowed hard. ''How tight?''

''In the middle.''

He clasped two hooks together quickly and she turned around to face him, still holding her top against her chest.

''Thanks.'' Jo whispered, then she noticed his strange expression. ''Sorry if that was... too awkward. I think I need to buy some with a front closure.'' Mac felt all _the blood drain from his head_, going down, making him dizzy with an image of helping her with a front clasp bra. ''I mean, to make it easier to do it myself, of course.'' She added quickly.

''Yeah, sure... Errr... I will wait for you outside.'' He murmured and exited her bedroom. He went to the kitchen and leaned against the sink, for a moment considering putting his head under the cold spray. He had no idea what had came over him. He just couldn't help himself, he was drawn to her like a magnet. He was sure his attraction to her was just an innocent game his mind was playing to keep him entertained, but it seemed to be so much more. He wanted her. In every sense.

He mentally kicked himself for thinking about her in such a way. The last thing she needed right now was some horny male having trouble controlling himself. She was hurt and broken, really shaken up. She needed someone to take care of her, to be with her until she fully recovered, _both physically_ and mentally. He sighed deeply. Last night he decided to stay with her for a couple of days, but now he had some serious doubts if that was really a good idea.

''I'm ready.'' Jo's voice cut into his thoughts. ''But I was just thinking...'' She looked down at her wrist. ''It doesn't hurt so much anymore, so maybe it's not necessary...''

Mac groaned loudly and spooned her around, guiding her to the hanger and helping her put on her coat.

''I'm not going into that conversation again.'' He stated firmly.

. . .

''I told you it was just a sprain.'' Jo said, fidgeting in her seat, trying to reach for the seat-belt with her left hand. Mac watched her and when he saw she managed to fasten it, he started the engine and drove off.

''A nasty one.'' He reminded her doctor's words. ''It wouldn't heal right without a splint.''

''I could buy one in a local pharmacy.'' She murmured.

''Jo...''

''I'm just saying you've wasted your time.''

''Don't worry, I have plenty of time today.'' He told her.

''What do you mean?'' She looked at him, surprised.

''I took a day off.''

''Mac, I know I had a moment of weakness yesterday and I appreciated that you were around, I really do, but now...''

He stopped for a red light and looked at her.

''Jo, you can stop keeping a stiff upper lip. At least in front of me. I won't believe you're already over it. Not to mention that I couldn't leave you alone and go to work.'' The traffic lights changed and he had to drive again. ''I wouldn't be able to stop thinking that Russ might pay you a visit once more.''

Jo shuddered at the thought and quickly glanced at him, hoping he didn't notice that. Much to her relief his eyes were fixed on the road.

''Fine'' She said with a sigh. ''If that will make you feel better...''

Mac smirked hearing her. If he didn't know her so well, he would say she didn't want him being around. But he knew she just didn't want to admit it. And he really didn't care what her justification for him staying with her would be, she could as well pretend it was for his sake only. The thing that mattered was that she let him do that. And besides the need to be around her and keep an eye on her, making himself sure she was fine, he wanted to keep her mind occupied so she wasn't thinking too much about what had happened. He was sure that if she stayed alone in her apartment, she would torment herself with playing those horrible events over and over in her head. It was enough to have them haunting her in her sleep.

After a short drive Mac pulled over and stopped in front of a supermarket. Jo gave him a confused look and asked:

''You need something?''

''Yes. I need to eat.'' He answered, exiting the car. He moved to the passenger's door and opened it for her.

''Honestly? Grocery shopping? Can't we just order something?'' She complained.

''I feel like cooking.'' He grinned and she rolled her eyes. ''Oh, stop grumbling, we'll be quick.''

Jo followed him to the supermarket, thinking it was very strange that he actually seemed to like shopping.

''What are you going to cook?'' She asked, throwing a big bag of cheese puffs into the cart.

''I was thinking about cannelloni with spinach.'' He said, putting in the cart a bottle of milk.

''Spinach, really Mac?'' She winced. ''I hate it since preschool.''

''Aah, but you've never tasted anything with it made by me. And it's very healthy.''

''Right. My mom kept saying that, too.'' She murmured, not at all convinced. Then she grabbed a bag of Haribo jellies and put it in the cart. He looked at it, then at her and raised his eyebrow.

''What?'' Jo asked and he couldn't help but smile, hearing her voice getting a little higher than usual.

''Nothing.'' He murmured. ''What kind of cheese do you want?''

''Cheddar maybe...''

''OK.'' Mac said, grabbing a piece. ''How about mozzarella?''

''Only on pizza. Otherwise it's tasteless.''

''We'll see...'' He murmured, picking out a package of mozzarella balls. He glanced at her and, seeing she was busy with choosing some chocolate cereals, he quickly replaced a big bottle of soda she had put in the cart with a box of orange juice.

''How about some yogurt?'' He asked.

''I think I have some in my fridge.''

''Not anymore. I threw it away.'' She looked at him surprised, so he added: ''Something furry was growing on it.''

''Oh.'' She smiled lightly. ''You can get me some pineapple yogurt then.''

''OK.'' He said, putting two cartoons of yogurt in the cart, pineapple for her and raspberry for himself. Then he choose some vegetables and fruits. When he was done he looked around, but he couldn't see Jo anywhere. He sighed and headed back to the alley with sweets. He wasn't surprised when he found her there. She was standing on her tiptoes, trying to reach a big box of chocolate chip cookies on the top shelf.

''I had no idea that shopping with you is so much like taking a 6-years old to a supermarket.'' He joked.

''Would you care to help me?'' She asked, pretending she didn't hear his remark.

He moved towards her, placed his hand on the small of her back and grabbed a small box.

''The big one.'' Jo protested.

''I can't reach the big one, either.'' He said, trying to hide his smile.

''Mac!'' She sounded slightly annoyed, but she was smiling unconsciously.

''Come on, I suppose we've gotten everything we need.'' He said, gently guiding her to the counters.

''What's the rush?''

''I'm starting to get hungry. And I want to stop off at my place on the way to yours to grab a few things.'' Mac explained to her.

''For tonight?'' She stopped short, looking at him.

''For tonight and tomorrow.''

''Hmm? How long are you planning to stay at my place then?'' She wondered.

''Until you'll be fine without me being around.'' He said like it was something obvious.

_Sounds like never. _Jo thought, but she didn't say anything.

. . .

**A/N I hope you all like how Mac kicked Russ' ass :) And it seems everything will get better since now. Well, ''it seems'' ;)**

**Many thanks to UrbanMuse who took her precious time and corrected this chapter, as my regular beta, Christine, is studying hard. Or at least she's supposed to ;P**

**And unfortunately I have some bad news - since academic year has started I won't have so much time to write as I used to. That means the next chapter can be up a little later than usually. Really sorry for that, I can promise I won't leave you hanging, but I hope you'll understand. Life... **

**As always, many thanks for all the reviews, especially to "guests", as I can't send you PMs with thanks.**

**And again, if only you feel like, post a review please. I really love to know what you think.**


	9. swimming in a fish bowl

. . .

''I'm sure I put a big bottle of soda in the cart... so where is it?'' Jo asked, going through all bags and then looking at Mac.

''I don't remember seeing it.'' Mac said, trying to hide his smirk, but she noticed it easily.

''Mac Taylor! What have you done with my soda?'' She asked, her eyes piercing him.

''I magically changed it into orange juice.'' He said, pulling the box of it out of the paper bag. ''J. K. Rowling would call it transmutation.'' He added with a proud smile, which starting to slowly disappear when he noticed she didn't seem to be impressed at all. ''Oh, come on, soda? It's unhealthy. It's all sugar.''

''I know!'' She said in a high pitched voice. ''I need sugar. And I love the rush it gives.''

''But it lasts only for a moment and then you are even more groggy than before.'' He tried to reason with her.

''And without it I'm grumpy as hell. Consider yourself warned.'' Mac didn't say anything, only smiled to himself. He steamed the spinach and put it on the cutting board. ''Gosh, you were serious with this spinach thing?'' Jo asked.

''As serious as a heart attack.'' He glanced at her, checking to see if she would start to complain again, but she just rolled her eyes.

''What can I do? I don't want to stand by and watch you doing all the work.''

''Well, I was hoping you would keep me entertained.'' He joked.

''Sorry...'' Jo sighed. ''You know I'm not always like that.''

''I know. You grumble only when you're worried or in pain.''

''Or both.'' She murmured. ''Which reminds me, I have to take my pills.''

''You need any help?'' He asked, stirring the onion and the garlic in the small frying pan.

''No, thanks.'' Jo said and exited the kitchen.

Mac managed to prepare everything quite smoothly and after no longer than half an hour the cannelloni with ricotta and spinach were already in the oven. He dropped the dirty spoon into the sink and went to look for Jo. He checked in the living room and in her bedroom, but she wasn't there. The bathroom was empty as well and he frowned for a moment, wondering where she could be. There was only one room left.

He gently pushed the door open and saw Jo sitting on Ellie's bed, with her legs crossed, hugging the pink pillow with the big violet flower on it. He sat next to her.

''What's up?'' He asked, cursing himself immediately in his mind for starting the conversation with such a dull line. But to be honest, he had no idea what else he could say.

''I miss her so much.'' Jo whispered. ''It's been only 5 days since she... ran away from me.''

''Jo, she didn't run away from you, she ran away from Russ.'' Mac stated clearly.

''I can't imagine not having her around.'' She looked at him with glossy eyes. ''It's so very empty here without her.''

''Jo, I'm pretty sure she's missing you as well and she will decide to come back soon.'' He said. ''Have you talked to her?''

''No. She doesn't want to talk to me when I call.''

''Well... it doesn't really surprise me. She's just as stubborn as her mom.'' He said, wanting to make her smile, but she was far away from that.

''I'm really worried that I've ruined what we had.'' Jo said even more quietly then before.

''That's not possible.'' Mac shook his head. ''Jo, you've built your relationship for years. It's not that easy to ruin something like that. You've got the greatest connection I've ever seen between mother and daughter. And I know Ellie's aware that she's very lucky to have you as her mom.''

She looked at him. He sounded so sincere and convincing. As always. She knew he would never lie to her, not even to make her better.

''I hope you're right.'' She sighed.

''I am.'' Mac smiled at her. ''Come on, dinner will be ready soon.'' He said, standing up and pulling her up by the hand as well.

They quickly set the table and Mac brought the steaming hot cannelloni, placing some hearty portions on their plates. He couldn't wait to see Jo's reaction to the hated spinach. He watched her as she took the first bite, carefully not to burn herself.

''And?'' He asked impatiently.

''You sure there is spinach in it?'' Jo asked, studying the food on her plate carefully. ''It tastes nothing but yummy. It's impossible for spinach to taste like that.'' She stated and he laughed.

''I told you that you think that, because you've never tried it made by me. There is no way for the spinach with ricotta and garlic not to be tasty.''

''I use such a trick with Ellie – putting some melted cheese on her broccoli. Yet she always scrapes the cheese and leaves the broccoli untouched.'' Jo said, between bites, rolling her eyes and making Mac smile.

''You two seem to have some strange aversion to green vegetables.'' He noticed. Jo thought about what he said for a moment.

''I like salad and cucumbers.'' She said and he looked at her amused. ''What?''

''I bet you do! When they are inside a burger.'' Mac said, laughing.

''I'm glad you find me funny.'' She pursed her lips at him.

''I just marvel how, considering your eating habits, you manage to stay healthy and so... errm...'' He cleared his throat. ''… fit.'' He said and she smirked slightly, being aware of what he really wanted to say.

Jo finished eating even before him and she stretched out on the couch, placing her hands flat on her stomach.

''OK, I have to admit, it was delicious.''

''Glad to hear it.'' Mac said, wanting to stand up and take their plates to the kitchen.

''Oh no, let me at least do that.'' She said and stood up quickly. She was back in a flash and sat down on the couch, reaching for the remote control, but Mac stopped her.

''Jo, leave it for a moment. I think we have to talk.'' He stated softly, but his voice brooked no opposition. _It will be anything but pleasurable._ Jo thought. She glanced at him and murmured:

''Fine.''

Mac stayed quiet for a while, wondering where to start. He sighed deeply and decided to ask the one question he couldn't get off his mind the whole day.

''Jo... last night, when you had the nightmare... you said you'd dreamed about him forcing you.'' He could feel her tense instantly. He swallowed the lump in his throat. ''What did he force you to do?''

She looked at him and he noticed her chin trembling. _Oh God, this is bad._ He thought. He had never seen her as broken as at that very moment.

''He m-made me... have sex with him.'' She whispered. He closed his eyes and clenched his fists. Suddenly her bruised body flashed in his mind's eye.

''Once?'' He asked, his voice harsh with emotions. She only shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut, making a few tears escape from beneath her eyelids.

''Why didn't you report it?'' Mac asked with evident anger in his voice, making Jo shudder. ''Why didn't you tell me?! God! I was thinking...'' He stood up quickly and started pacing around the room, rubbing his forehead. ''Damn! He actually raped you multiple times and you...''

''Don't say that!'' Jo cried out suddenly, pressing her hands to her ears. ''That's not true! Don't say he...'' She started, but couldn't finish, as she started to cry. ''It wasn't...'' She tried again, out of breath. She was shaking and gasping for air. He knelt in front of her and pulled her in his arms.

''Breathe, Jo. Just breathe.'' He whispered. ''Deep, calm, breaths.'' His heart was aching. He knew very well what it all was about – she refused to admit what had happened to her, that this time she was the victim. She tried to convince herself that without putting a label on it, it wouldn't be so terrible. But he knew it was the first step to deal with it.

She managed to get her breathing under control, but she still clenched to him with her hands.

''Jo... if you weren't willing to do that, if you didn't give him your consent... then it was rape.'' Mac said calmly and instantly he could feel her tremble again. He closed his eyes, trying to push his own tears away.

''It's all my fault.'' Jo whispered.

''You know it's not true.'' He said, but she shook her head.

''You don't know the whole story.'' She swallowed hard, then pulled away from him slightly, moving her hands away, breaking their embrace. He placed his hands on her knees, still kneeling in front of her. ''The first time... The first time was different.'' She couldn't look him in the eyes, she kept looking down. ''We went for a dinner to celebrate Tyler's first year at collage. The four of us. And then Russ drove me and Ellie back and insisted on coming upstairs. I was feeling so bad, so desperate, because that was when you...'' She suddenly stopped and looked up at him, her eyes big and shiny. She nearly gasped realizing she almost told him the truth, she almost admitted how she felt about him going to propose to Christine. ''I mean, when we...'' She corrected herself. ''When we were working on Grace Wilson's case.''

Mac nodded. He remembered this case very well and what he remembered even better was how Jo had reacted to the death of the girl.

''And I just... let him... do that.'' She glanced at him, being sure he would move away. When she felt him lifting his hands from her knees, she closed her eyes, trying not to cry again. In her mind she already heard the sound of the door being slammed behind him. But instead of that she heard him speaking close to her:

''What happened next?''

Jo opened her eyes and turned her head, seeing him sitting on the couch next to her.

''He came back... for more.'' She whispered. ''I couldn't... stop him.'' She breathed out, choking back a sob.

''Jo, he's a big, strong man and...''

''No, no, you don't understand.'' She interrupted him. ''I'm not saying I wasn't able to stop him. I'm saying I couldn't, because... he blackmailed me.''

''Blackmailed?'' Mac asked, raising his eyebrows. ''How?''

''He threatened that if I didn't let him stay with me... he'd make me lose my parental rights over Ellie.'' She glanced at him and before he had a chance to say anything she added quickly: ''Mac, I couldn't risk it. You know that she means the world to me. I would die if they took her away from me. He told me that I have to do everything he wanted... willingly. And I did... because I was scared.'' She buried her face in her hands.

Mac frowned. It made sense. Jo was too strong to put herself in such a relationship. And since it was obvious for everyone who knew her, that she would do anything for her kids, the threat of losing Ellie was hitting her weakest point. But one thing still was a mystery to him.

''And why exactly did you believe he would be able to do that? He doesn't have any parental rights over Ellie, as you adopted her alone, after your divorce.'' His stare was fixed on her and he was waiting for some answer. But she just kept quiet. ''Jo, you've promised to tell me everything.'' He reminded her.

''I know.'' She whispered. Then she sighed and looked at him: ''He knows something that could be used as a cause to reopen the adoption case.'' She said.

''What?'' Mac asked, looking directly into her eyes. ''What does he know?''

Jo wanted to turn her gaze away, desperately thinking of the way she could avoid answering this question. But she found herself somehow entranced by his eyes. Those clear, bright, blue eyes that she loved so much. He was begging her for the truth and she knew she owed him it. She couldn't lie to him. But then, the thought of losing him as a friend was unbearable.

''Mac, I've done something terrible. Really, really bad.'' Jo confessed in a quiet voice. ''And I'm afraid that if I tell you that... you'll never look at me the same way.''

''Jo, give me some credit.'' He said, smiling lightly at her, but she didn't reciprocate his smile. ''I'm pretty sure it's not that bad. And even if it is, there has to be some good explanation for it. Because you're a good person.'' He said clearly, placing his hands on her shoulders. ''And good people don't do evil things just like that. If they do them, there is always some good reason behind it.''

Jo shook her head slightly, indicating it wasn't that simple. She took a deep breath and said:

''Mac, I killed Ellie's father.''

As if in slow motion she saw how Mac's expression changed. At first he frowned, not sure if he heard her right. Then he shook his head in disbelief, but as she stayed quiet, it started to wane. And he ended up looking at her with his eyes wide open.

His first thought was that she would correct herself immediately, that it was just a poor choice of words. But then he suddenly became aware that she meant exactly what she had said. But still he was sure there had to be some explanation for it.

''How?'' He simply asked.

''I shot him during the arrest of Gina Baker. He was her pimp.''

''Jason Davis was Ellie's father?'' Mac asked and Jo threw him a surprised look.

''How do you know...?'' She started, but then she smiled lightly. '' Right, you've read my file.''

He smirked. _Read._ He thought. _I almost learned it by heart after your first week at the department._

''It was stated in it, that it was in self-defense. He was armed.'' Mac recalled.

''Well... he had a gun, but it wasn't loaded. And nobody else saw it, only me. That's why nobody else fired.''

''Yeah, I remember it. You got cleared without any difficulties.''

''Yes, I did. But nobody knew back then he was Ellie's father. I noticed some similarities in their DNA and I ran some tests to be sure. They confirmed my suspicion. But I already got the idea of adopting her, so I kept it to myself. I knew I shouldn't, but there was no chance any court would give me parental rights over her if it was known I killed her father and put her mother away.''

Mac nodded and remained quiet for a while, trying to process everything she had just said.

''Jo, that means you didn't kill Ellie's father. You killed some random guy during the arrest, a guy who was pulling a gun at you and your team. You couldn't suspect it wasn't loaded.'' He said.

''Well... if you put it that way...'' She sighed.

''And you most definitely didn't know it was Ellie's father by then. Did you?'' He asked.

Jo looked at him and he noticed her lips started to tremble like she was just about to start crying.

''I don't know. It did cross my mind that Gina could be pregnant with him, but I wasn't sure.'' She covered her eyes with her hand. ''To be honest, Mac, I'm not sure of myself. Not anymore. I could just as well have killed him to be able to adopt Ellie.''

She felt his hand on her shoulder and she raised her head, looking at him again.

''Jo, I know that bastard kept telling you that you did it on purpose. It was a part of his plan. And I know you may not be sure of yourself right now.'' He leaned closer to her and fixed his eyes with hers. ''But I am sure of you. One hundred percent sure. You would never kill a man, unless you were forced to do that. And that was exactly the case here.''

She didn't say anything, she just gazed at him with her eyes wide open. With those eyes that had the color he couldn't even name. Dark brown near the pupils, changing gradually into the color of honey and then into green. And there were those golden sparkles, like rays of sunshine. He had no idea if he should call them hazel or amber. It didn't matter, as for him it was just the most beautiful color in the world.

Her voice brought him back to earth. ''How can you be so sure... of me?'' She asked quietly.

''I just am.'' Mac simply answered in a soft voice. ''But there are some issues we still have to figure out. Do you think Russ is going to do something with this information?'' He asked, his voice instantly changed into his usual tone.

''I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised if he came up with some revenge.'' She said with a sad smile.

''I wouldn't put my money on him reporting that. And even if, it's not certain that the case would be reopened.''

''But what if it were?'' Jo asked with a deep concern. ''Mac, you know I can't lose Ellie. It would kill me.''

Mac swallowed hard, not being even able to imagine how hard for her it would be.

''Jo, I really don't think it's necessary to worry about it now. Don't torment yourself. You've been through enough.'' He told her, but she didn't seem to be convinced. ''Everything will be just fine, trust me, Jo...''

The way he said her name made her heartbeat slow down, settling into a steady rhythm. Like last night, when he was talking to her only to calm her down. _His voice_ _so velvetly_ soft and gentle, sounding like the sweetest lullaby she had ever known, making her feel so safe and secure and... loved. She swallowed hard and look at him, meeting his gaze.

''I feel a little tired. I think I'll lay down.'' She sighed.

''OK.'' He said. ''Jo... I'm glad you've told me everything.''

''Yeah. Better late than never.'' She murmured. Then she glanced at him and added: ''Mac, you don't have to stay... if you don't want. I'll be fine, really.''

''You would love to kick me out, wouldn't you?'' He joked.

''That's not the point.'' Jo smiled lightly. ''I'm just saying you would be much more comfortable sleeping in your own bed. I don't have a guest room.''

''Jo, the couch is just fine.''

''Or maybe we should switch? I'm smaller, I can sleep on the couch.''

''Not an option. You need proper rest.''

''But I could...'' She started again, but he cut her off.

''Jo, will you go to bed on your own, or you want me to help you with that?'' Mac asked with a smirk.

_Oh my... _Jo thought. It sounded nothing but playful, but somehow her mind was able to find some flirtatious double meaning in it.

''OK... I'm going.'' She sighed.

''Nighty-night.'' He said and she smiled at him in response, disappearing in her bedroom.

_Nighty-night._ Mac rolled his eyes at himself. _What is she, a 5-year old? She probably doesn't say it to Ellie anymore._

Before he could scold himself mentally some more, Jo peeked out from her bedroom and threw him a pillow.

''Do you also want a duvet?'' She asked.

''No, thanks, the blanket is fine.''

''OK.'' She said and then hesitated a little. ''Thanks for staying.'' She added and disappeared in her bedroom once more, closing the door behind her before he could answer. He leaned back on the couch with a sigh.

. . .

Jo was feeling hot. So hot as if her blood had turned to fire. She struggled for air, her breaths coming in short, shallow gasps. The sensation of his kisses all over her body was simply overwhelming. His hands followed his lips, skimming over her skin, leaving it tingling, longing for more. He kissed her stomach and she heard her own voice moaning in delight. Then his hands moved lower, firmly gripping her hips, keeping her still and his lips moved lower as well, to the place where she wanted them the most. The first touch made her world shatter and she felt her climax rip through her violently.

She woke up abruptly, for a moment totally confused about what had just happened. Her heart was racing and her breathing was uneven. She shivered strongly in aftershocks and groaned, remembering the delightful sensation that was traveling through her body only moments ago. It was unbelievably good and so very real. She let out a faint moan, then she placed her hand over her mouth with a gasp, glancing at the door. For a second she kept her breath, listening for any sound that could indicate he had heard her. But all she could hear was silence.

She wondered how it was possible for her to have a dream like this after all she had been through. It was just insane. The warning bells in her head were ringing every time his gesture was close to being intimate. Yet her body seemed to enjoy even his imaginative caress. And she craved for it to become real. The thought made her both thrilled and terrified.

She sat up, throwing the blanket away, still feeling hot and so thirsty. She slowly stood up, tiptoeing to the door.

She opened it, trying to be as quiet as possible, but Mac heard her anyway, easily being woken up from his shallow slumber. She glanced at him and he squeezed his eyelids tight, pretending to be asleep. It surprised him that she stood in front of the couch for a moment, watching him. Then she sighed and walked to the kitchen.

Mac turned his head slightly, wanting to see what she was up to. He barely kept himself from letting out a groan when he saw what Jo was wearing. Her tiny top deliciously clung to her body and the short pajama bottoms provided him a perfect view of her legs. She reached for the glass standing on the high shelf and her top rode up even higher, showing that tantalizing strip of her naked skin just above the waistband of her shorts, causing his body to harden.

He closed his eyes, but couldn't keep himself from imagining those gorgeous, long, well-shaped legs wrapped around him, while he held her naked in his arms. He wanted to feel her body shivering, to hear her moaning his name.

For a brief moment Mac thought about getting up off the couch and moving closer to her. It would be so easy, only a few steps. She would turn around hearing him and he would pin her down between the counter and his own hard body, leaving no doubts about his intentions. And then just gave in to his desire and made his fantasies come true.

He clenched his eyes even more tightly, trying to push those thoughts away. She was trusting him and he was supposed to take care of her, to keep her safe. And yet his mind kept giving him all the wrong ideas. He felt a great anger when he realized there was actually only one difference between him and Russ – he was still maintaining some semblance of control.

He heard her passing through the living room again and entering her bedroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. He sighed deeply. He was sure he wouldn't be able to fall asleep again.

When it was finally dawning outside, Mac gave up and got up from the couch. He stretched himself and looked through the window. It promised to be a nice day, so he decided to take a run before breakfast. He quickly got dressed, putting on his tracksuit. He moved towards the front door, but stopped suddenly, when he glanced through the ajar door and saw Jo sleeping in her bed. He just couldn't help himself, mesmerized by the sight. He pushed the door open and quietly came closer to her bed. She slept in a strange position, curled up on her side with her head pressed directly to the mattress, hugging her pillow with both her arms. She was covered with the baby-blue blanket, which slipped down to her waist. He reached out and caught the hem of it between his fingers, gently pulling it up her chest and shoulder. He took a look at her face. She looked so peaceful and relaxed, her features so soft. For a moment he thought it was so odd to see her like that, when during the day she was dealing with such negative emotions, looking sad, worried, scared and hurt. All at the same time. He desperately wanted to bring some good emotions into her life.

He sighed and stretched his hand in a mindless attempt to brush a strand of her bangs away from her face. But he stopped before he touched her, afraid that he would disturb her restful sleep. Suddenly some idea came to his mind and he smiled. He knew there was one thing that would make her happy. He wasn't sure if he was able to do it for her, but if there was a possibility of making her smile, he would try anything.

He headed out of her bedroom, glancing once more at her before carefully closing the door.

. . .

The sun was already high in the sky when Jo woke up. She stretched out feeling nicely rested. The apartment sounded strangely quiet, so she got up and left her bedroom, wanting to check what Mac was doing. But instead of him she found a note placed on the couch. It said: _'Jo, I have to take care of something important. I'm not quite sure how much time it will take, but I will be back in the evening at the latest. Take care and don't worry too much. M.'_

She frowned and read it once again. _Something important... _She thought. _Probably something related to work. After all he is the head of the crime lab._

She went to the kitchen and warmed up the rest of yesterday's cannelloni, then ate it in her pajama, in front of the TV. She watched some silly soap-operas, but got bored really quickly. She tried to call Mac, but he didn't answer, so she decided not to bug him, as he was probably busy.

Then she took a nice, relaxing bath, using all the products that were supposed to make her younger, more beautiful and sexy. After that she decided to call her mother, as she really wanted to talk to Ellie, but nobody answered. She sighed, thinking her daughter still refused to talk to her.

When the boredom reached its peak, she did some cleaning and the laundry. Then she tried to read some book, but she couldn't quite focus, as her thoughts kept drifting away from what she was reading.

It was 8.15 pm when the intercom finally buzzed. She rushed to it and answered it:

''Yes?''

''It's Mac.'' She unconsciously smiled hearing his voice.

''Come in.''

Jo opened the door for him, knowing he would use the stairs, so it would only take him seconds to climb to her floor. But she was mistaken. She peeked out from her apartment and looked around the corridor, but there was no sign of him. Some uneasiness crept over her, making her stomach flip over. She hated the feeling. She quickly closed the door and leaned against it, trying to get her breathing under control. She was irritated with herself. It was unbelievable how easily she could get spooked in her own home. She heard the ding of the elevator door and again she thought it was unusual for Mac to use it. Even with shopping bags he always took the stairs. She nearly jumped out of her skin at the knock on the door.

''Who is it?'' She asked in a shaky voice.

''Jo, it's me. Open up.'' He said and she frowned. It was Mac's voice, she was sure. She sighed deeply, cursing her mind for playing tricks on her. She opened the door and, much to her relief, saw Mac standing in it.

''Hi.'' He said and smiled, but then he saw her face. ''Are you OK?''

''Yeah... I'm fine.'' Jo answered and moved to the side, letting him in.

''Wait! I've got a surprise for you.'' He told her, smiling again.

''Mac, I'm not really in a mood for surprises.'' She complained, clenching her hand on the doorknob in order to stop it from shaking.

''Oh, but I'm sure you're gonna love this one.'' He said and his hand disappeared from her view, reaching to his side. Then he moved a little and suddenly Ellie appeared directly in front of Jo. Mac placed his hand on Ellie's shoulder and pulled her gently between them.

''Hi, mom!'' She said, wrapping her hands around Jo's waist. Jo gasped in surprise, but Ellie's tight embrace made her instantly breathless.

''Ellie!'' She exclaimed happily, taking her in her arms. She looked down at her and almost melted seeing how her little girl clung to her. They stayed like that for a moment. In the meantime Mac grabbed Ellie's backpack and some bags and placed them on the floor inside the apartment, closing the front door behind him. He glanced at Jo and Ellie and smiled, staying slightly to the side, not wanting to disturb their moment. But Jo looked at him above Ellie's head and, still keeping one arm wrapped around her daughter, stretched out her other arm towards him. He caught her hand and she squeezed his fingers gently, silently thanking him for bringing Ellie back home. He only smiled at her. Her eyes were sparkling with happiness and he thought this was exactly what he was dreaming to see this morning.

Ellie finally let go of Jo and looked up at her.

''Mom... I'm sorry I made you mad.'' She said in a small voice.

''Ellie, I wasn't mad. I was worried about you.''

''I know... I really didn't mean to worry you. I just...'' Ellie hesitated for a moment. ''… didn't want to stay here. With him.'' She added quietly.

''I know, honey.'' Jo said, feeling tears filling her eyes.

''I thought you'd chosen him over me.'' Ellie said.

''Ellie, I would never choose anyone over you. You're the most important person in my life. You and your brother.'' Jo stated, tenderly stroking her daughter's thick curls.

''I know.'' Ellie whispered. ''Mac told me everything.''

''He did?'' Jo asked, glancing at him, for a moment terrified, that he had told her too much. But he slightly shook his head and she breathed a sigh of relief. Of course, he had told her only what she had to know in order to understand what had happened, skipping those parts that could be shocking to her.

''Yes. And now I know you didn't have any choice.'' Ellie said and Jo closed her eyes, trying to push horrible images away, but she wasn't able to block the sound of her own scream ringing in her head. Her hand was still locked in Mac's and she felt how he gently caressed her fingers, wanting to pull her out of her thoughts. She opened her eyes and saw Ellie looking directly at her. Her daughter blinked several times quickly, but still she didn't manage to stop the tears from falling. ''Mom, I'm so sorry he hit you.'' She said with a cracking voice.

''Hey, hey...'' Jo let go of Mac's hand and thumbed away her tears. ''Everything is just fine now. It won't happen again.'' She assured her, smiling lightly at her. And then they both looked at Mac.

He cleared his throat and shifted from one foot to the other, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by the intensity of their gazes.

''Your mother sends greetings.'' He said to Jo, smirking.

''Oh...'' Jo sighed knowingly. ''She gave you a hard time, didn't she?''

''It wasn't that bad.'' He smiled at her. ''But I have to admit that now I know how your suspects feel in the interrogation room when you're sitting across the table from them.'' He teased her, making Ellie giggle.

''Me? Why me?''

''Because you're so much like her.'' Mac told her.

''That's not...'' Jo started to protest, but Ellie cut her off.

''And grandma gave us the cake she's made. You know which one, mom?'' Ellie asked, tilting her head to the side and smiling adorably.

''No way!'' Jo gasped. Mac looked at Jo, then back at Ellie, slightly confused. ''Banana-peanut butter cream tart?'' She asked almost pleadingly.

''Yup.'' Ellie answered with a beaming smile. She grabbed the smaller bag and went to the kitchen with Jo hot on her heels. Mac didn't have a choice but to follow them both, wondering what this whole madness was about.

''I've got dibs on a bigger half!'' Jo said quickly and Mac couldn't help but smile.

''Mooom! There's no such thing as a bigger half. Halves are supposed to be equal.'' Ellie said.

''Oh really?'' Jo teased. ''Guess what? Yours will be definitely smaller as I will cut a piece for Mac from it.''

''Whaaat?'' Ellie squeaked and Jo smiled. She was sure Ellie would react just like that. ''Why from my half?''

''Ummm... gals?'' Mac interrupted them. ''I really think it's big enough for the three of us.''

''Yeah, right.'' Ellie rolled her eyes, making Mac frown.

''You're saying that only because you've never tasted it.'' Jo told him, unwrapping the cake. ''When you take the first bite there is just no way to stop before it's all gone.''

''Oh... OK.'' Mac said, not being truly convinced. ''But you know, we also have some Chinese take-away, so why don't you just leave the cake for dessert?'' He offered. She looked at him and sighed.

''Probably you're right.'' She glanced at the cake once more and Mac chuckled seeing how very tempted by it she was. ''Ellie, go unpack yourself and we'll prepare the dinner.''

''OK!'' Ellie agreed, exiting the kitchen and grabbing her backpack which was still placed next to the door.

Jo peeked out after her and then moved back to the cake, taking the big knife.

''Jo!'' Mac laughed.

''Shhhh!'' She silenced him and cut out two pieces. ''You have to try it.'' She grabbed the plate and put his piece on it, handing it to him. She didn't bother to take a plate for herself, wanting to bite into her piece as soon as possible. Mac took a closer look at his piece, seeing thick slices of banana mixed with crunchy peanut butter and big chunks of chocolate. He hesitantly took the first bite.

''Could it be any sweeter?'' He asked after swallowing.

''Probably not.'' Jo chuckled, being half way through her piece already. ''It's the best way to chase away all the sadness.'' She sighed, squinting her eyes in delight. ''God, it tastes heavenly.'' She moaned. ''I know only one feeling that could be compared to this.'' She added and he almost choked, knowing exactly what she was referring to.

''OK, let's prepare dinner before that lovely little monster figures out what we are doing.'' Jo said, reaching for the take-away bag. ''What did you get?'' She asked looking inside.

''Five-spice chicken for you. Ellie said it's your favorite. She chose lemon chicken for herself and I took hot and spicy beef.''

''Oh my, hot and spicy beef? It's really hot and spicy.'' Jo said, pulling the boxes out of the bag and placing them on the counter.

''I know... I like it like that.'' He said.

''Mhm.'' She muttered, trying to hide her smirk.

''What?'' He asked, leaning to the side and looking at her.

''Nothin'.''

He studied her closer and chuckled.

''Get your mind out of the gutter, Josephine.'' He teased.

''I have no idea what you're talking about.'' She said without looking at him, pretending to be totally absorbed with putting food on the plates.

''Oh, yes, you have.'' Mac said with a smile and gently ran his index finger over her cheek, indicating that he could easily see her blush. And while he did it, she blushed even more.

''Could you take those to the living room?'' She asked, pointing at the plates, trying to sound casual.

''Sure thing.'' He said and he came back in a flash.

''And what's in here?'' Jo asked, opening the other two boxes.

''Noodles and fried rice.''

''Nice... And fortune cookies?'' She asked, looking up at him hopingly and he smiled at her.

''Now I know why Ellie insisted on taking those, too.''

''Well, of course, she knows it's the most important part.'' Jo said, reaching out for the bag again and fishing out three cookies.

''Just don't tell me you actually believe in this fortune-telling.'' He sighed.

''I don't. But it's such a fun.''

They moved to the living room, finding Ellie sitting on the couch already. She pressed the button on the remote control and the room got filled with the sound of the cheerful intro song.

''Ellie, not 'Friends' again...'' Jo groaned, sitting down beside her and reaching for the plate. ''You know every single episode by heart.''

''So what? It's still good.''

''I used to watch 'Friends' and I have to agree – you can watch it over and over again and still enjoy it.'' Mac said taking his place next to Jo. Ellie looked at him and smiled.

''See?''

''Who's your favorite?'' Mac asked.

''Phoebe!'' Ellie exclaimed and Mac looked at Jo, amused.

''Should I be worried?'' She asked, wincing.

''Well, she's a little unconventional...'' Mac said diplomatically.

''Unconventional? She's a weirdo!'' Jo said.

''No she's not, she's awesome.'' Ellie protested.

''Aahh, the giant poking device episode.'' Mac pointed at the screen, trying to stop them from arguing. ''It's kinda hilarious.'' He said and Jo rolled her eyes. There was obviously no chance to change their minds and force them to watch something else.

They ate and watched three episodes of 'Friends', taking a break only for Ellie being taught by Mac how to eat with chopsticks. He made it easier for her, using a rubber band and some folded paper. Jo smiled, seeing that her daughter didn't get frustrated with them after ten seconds as always, but actually tried to use them as she was told. Then she asked Ellie to put the plates in the dishwasher. When she returned, she jumped on the coach and squeaked:

''Cookie time!'' She reached for one of the cookies and cracked it open, pulling out the piece of paper. ''_A new wardrobe brings great joy and change to your life._'' She read. ''Yaaay! You know what that means, mom? Shopping!''

''You've picked out the wrong one, hon. This one was supposed to be mine.'' Jo teased her.

''Yeah, right!'' Ellie laughed out loud.

''Your turn?'' Jo asked Mac and he reluctantly reached for the cookie. ''_Dream your dream and your dream will dream of you._'' He read and looked at Jo with a confused face, which made Ellie laugh even harder. Jo turned her gaze away, desperately trying not to blush as she remembered the dream she had last night. She quickly grabbed the last cookie and broke it in half. '_'Cookie says: 'you crack me up'_.'' She read, which send Ellie into paroxysm of laughter. At first Jo and Mac looked at her like she was crazy, but her laughter was so contagious, that it made them laugh as well.

''If I were you, I would calm down...'' Jo threatened playfully, pushing Ellie to the edge of the couch but still holding her tight. ''… as you can easily fall from the couch that way!''

''Mom!'' Ellie squeaked, but couldn't stop her laughter anyway.

''And if I were you, I wouldn't be so cocky...'' Mac said to Jo, teasing her. ''… as you're right in the middle.'' He said, tickling her ribs lightly and making her let go of Ellie, who barely kept herself from falling. But she quickly changed her position and started to tickle her mother as well.

''Ahh! Stop it you crazy, cheeky, awful monkeys!'' Jo screamed between giggling.

''Will it be enough to teach her a lesson?'' Mac stopped, letting Jo catch her breath, looking seriously at his partner in crime. Ellie seemed to consider their options, but quickly made a decision.

''I don't think so.''

''Yeah, me neither.'' Mac agreed and they began the sweet torture again.

''Nooo!'' Jo moaned. ''It's not fair!'' She gasped and started to giggle again. ''I'm outnumbered... and horribly ticklish!''

''I would never guess.'' Mac said, keeping his hands still on her waist. She looked gorgeous with her face flushed and her chest rising and falling with her quickened breathing. And she was still smiling.

''You're terrible.'' She groaned. ''Both of you.'' She added, looking down at Ellie. She felt Mac moving away his hands and she sighed lightly at the loss of their warmth.

''Awww, but you still luv us, admit it.'' Ellie cooed, snuggling close to her, placing her head on her laps.

''Of course I do, my darlin'.'' Jo said, tangling her fingers in Ellie's hair.

Then she mindlessly stared at the screen, smiling. After a longer while she heard Mac's whispering:

''She's asleep?''

''She is.'' Jo smiled at him. ''I have no idea how to thank you for bringing her back to me.'' She whispered.

''She belongs with you.'' He simply said. ''And Jo... I told her only a little. You still have to talk to her about... Jason.'' He said, glancing at Ellie. ''It's better for her to find out from you.''

''I know.'' Jo sighed. ''I'm just scared that she...'' She paused, feeling a lump forming in her throat.

''It'll be fine. She loves you. That's all that matters.'' Mac said and she nodded. Then he stifled a yawn. ''Sorry...'' He murmured.

''You're tired.'' Jo said softly. ''It's a long drive to Richmond.''

''Yeah, almost 6 hours each way.'' He sighed. ''The way back was fun. Ellie was keeping me entertained.'' He grinned.

''I can imagine. You know what? I'll wake her up and we'll leave the couch for you. You probably want to go to sleep.''

''Don't.'' He said, putting his arm around her and holding her in place. ''I'm perfectly fine like this. And I want to finish watching this episode.'' He stretched his legs out in front of him and sunk deeper into the couch, finding the most comfortable position. Before the end of the episode Jo felt his head leaning heavily against her shoulder, fitting perfectly into the crook of her neck.

She couldn't help but smile. It was just perfect and she made a silent wish. Even though she was sure it could never be fulfilled.

. . .

**A/N So the next chapter is up a little late, but still not as late as I thought it might be. I guess writing it was my way of relaxing myself after quite a stressful week. And to make it better, it's little longer then usually, but so fluff-filled it almost makes me ashamed...**

**Many thanks to UrbanMuse for proof-reading this chapter and doing great work with correcting every tiny mistake and imperfection (and those big ones too, of course). I'm really amazed by her patience and not getting annoyed by the same mistakes of mine over and over again. And the whole bunch of new ones, just to keep things more interesting :)**

**I would love to know what you think, so every review will be truly treasured.  
**

**I still have many ideas for this story in my mind, if only someone would take my place in my real life...  
**


	10. year after year

. . .

The low, soft voice broke into her consciousness through the haze of her dreams.

''Jo...'' Mac whispered. ''Jo...''

''Hmm?'' She murmured sleepily. Her mind blended her dreams with reality and for a moment she imagined herself being wrapped in the warmth of his body lying next to her.

''Gosh, you're such a heavy sleeper.'' Mac whispered again, with a hint of amusement in his voice. She reluctantly opened her eyes, blinking a few times. She saw Mac sitting on her bed and leaning over her. He was fully dressed, wearing one of his suits.

''What time is it?'' She asked and he smiled hearing her sleepy voice.

''7.30.'' He answered and before he was able to say anything more she sat up abruptly.

''Darn! Ellie starts school at 8.30!''

''I know. We ate breakfast together and she's ready to go. I will drop her off on my way to the department.''

''Huh?'' Jo stared at him dumbly.

''Which part didn't you get?'' Mac asked with a smirk.

''Like... all of it...'' Jo admitted with a confused expression and his smile grew wider. She was so adorably distracted, still hazy from her sleep. He wanted to kiss her forehead and tell her to go back to sleep.

''I've just woken you up to tell you we're leaving.''

''Thanks a lot for taking care of her.'' Jo smiled at him sweetly. ''I'll pick her up after school.''

''I don't think it's a good idea. You shouldn't drive.'' Mac said, pointing to her right hand in a splint.

''I'll be fine, no worries.'' She ensured him, but he shook his head.

''Jo, it's dangerous. You need two hands on a steering wheel.'' He persisted and she rolled her eyes.

''Fine, I'll call Lacey's or Ann's parents and ask them if they could give Ellie a ride back home.''

''Thank you.'' Mac said, being glad that she didn't argue with him. ''I'll be back in two or three hours. If nobody gets murdered in the meantime.'' He said and she smiled lightly.

''Should I go with you?'' Jo wondered.

''There is no need. I put you on sick-leave for one week.''

''Oh, you did?''

''Yes. According to the doctor's recommendation.'' Mac couldn't restrain himself any longer from brushing the unruly strand of hair away from her face. But this time he had an excuse – he wanted to check how her bruised cheek looked. It was healing well, but the bruise was still visible and he didn't want her to be confronted with all the questions about what had happened to her.

Jo yawned, putting her hand over her mouth. ''You can sleep some more if you want.'' He said, smiling lightly at her.

''Yeah... maybe 5 more minutes...'' Jo murmured, sinking back into the pillow and closing her eyes. Mac shook his head, being quite sure he would be back before she got up.

. . .

Jo opened her eyes for the second time that morning at the sound of the front door being closed.

''Oh, crap!'' She swore, jumping out of the bed. She pulled the drawer open, looking for something she could wear. When Mac knocked on her bedroom door she was hopping on one leg, trying to pull up her black jeans.

''Jo, are you there?'' He asked through the door.

''Yes! One second!''

She quickly finished putting on her trousers and she stripped from her pajama top, tossing it on the bed. With minor difficulties she put on the front clasp bra, silently praising her new purchase. Then she put on the plain, white tank-top and the black cardigan. She blindly grabbed one silver necklace and put it on as well. Then she moved towards the door, but she stopped when her bare feet made contact with the cold floor. She sighed and moved back to the chest of drawers and looked for some socks. The only two pairs she found were either pink or with Hello Kitty, which for sure belonged to Ellie and Jo had no idea what they were doing in there. She chose the pink ones and quickly put them on.

When she finally exited her bedroom Mac was sitting on the couch, surrounded by some papers and files, trying to organize them.

''You're back quickly.'' Jo noticed, trying to sound casual. He looked at her and smirked.

''Too quickly?'' He asked seriously, but she knew he was joking with her. She narrowed her eyes at him.

''Just quickly.'' She murmured.

''So... what have you been doing?'' Mac asked, his lips involuntary curling into a smile.

''Um... nothing interesting. Just being lazy.'' Jo answered, sitting next to him. ''What do you have here? A new case?'' She asked, looking at the papers Mac had spread on the table. He turned to face her and blocked her view slightly.

''Curiosity killed the cat.'' He quipped.

''Ah, but satisfaction brought him back.'' Jo said, offering him her most beautiful smile.

''I'm pretty sure it was a she.'' Mac teased her further, but Jo barely heard him, taking another attempt at reaching for the case file. She placed her hand on his thigh for support and leaned over him, finally grabbing the file. He smiled like a fool smelling her and mindlessly wondering if her skin was still warm from her sleep.

''Suicide?''

''I'm not sure yet.'' Mac answered seriously, watching her. She was carefully reading through the file, not bothering to take her hand away from his thigh and he felt his skin tingling with her touch. His mind started to tease him with an image of her dainty hand moving up, caressing him on its way.

''Hmm...'' Jo murmured, placing her index finger under her bottom lip, at what he named in his mind as her 'thinking spot' as she always rubbed it like that, when she was piecing together a puzzle. She turned a few pages, then went back. There was something utterly fascinating in watching her work in quiet concentration. He would give a lot to hear the rush of thoughts in her head. Suddenly the corner of her mouth went slightly up and he knew, she got something.

''She shot herself in the right temple.'' It was more a statement, than a question, but nonetheless Mac confirmed:

''Yes.''

''Would you shoot yourself in the left temple?'' Jo asked, taking him off guard.

''I think I would shoot myself in the right.'' Mac admitted reluctantly.

''Exactly. Because you're right-handed.'' Jo said looking at him cunningly and titling her head. ''So why would the left-handed person shoot herself in the right temple?''

Mac furrowed his eyebrows. ''How do you know she was left-handed?'' He wondered.

''Look at her hands.'' Jo told him, showing him the photo. He took a look, seeing her nails painted with a violet polish, which was chipped in several places. She was wearing a small ring with a heart on her middle finger. There was nothing more that caught his attention. He gave Jo a puzzled look. She smirked seeing his expression.

''Check out her nails. The ones on her right hand are painted far more neatly than those on her left hand.''

''Mhm.'' Mac muttered. Then he looked at Jo again and took both her hands in his, studying her fingernails. They were painted with the nude nail polish so it was harder to see the difference, but nonetheless he was able to notice that the nails on her left hand looked much better.

''That's why I usually ask Ellie to paint them for me. But this time... I had to do it on my own.''

''Well, obviously, I couldn't notice that.'' Mac admitted, pointing with his head at the photo.

''That's why it's good to have a female detective in your team.'' She told him with a sweet smile.

_For more than just one reason._ Mac thought.

''OK, so I'll call Flack and ask him to check if our victim was right- or left-handed.''

''But there's more.'' Jo added. ''If you look at her suicide note it doesn't really look like it was written by someone who was left-handed. Left-handers are always underwriters or overwriters when they write with fountain pens. Because of that their handwriting is always tilted either way. Here the letters are straight.'' She pointed at the photo of the suicide note. ''My first guess would be that someone right-handed had written that.''

''Oh right, so we have to compare the handwriting sample from the victim with the suicide note and then, if it won't be a match, find out whose handwriting it is.''

''I think that if she's really left-handed, then it won't be a match. And that would mean that whoever wrote it, might be the killer.''

''That makes sense.'' Mac nodded, then looked at her and smiled. ''Nice... I think you've just cracked this case wide open.''

''Yeah, it seems sleeping till noon serves me well.'' Jo cast him a wink and stretched herself. ''I think I deserve a coffee. Do you want some?'' She asked, rising from the couch and disappearing in the kitchen.

''No, thanks.'' Mac answered, following her. He stood in the doorway, watching how she fought with the box of pop-tarts, trying to open it. He moved closer to her and stretched out his hand. She gave him the box, thinking he wanted to open it for her, but instead of doing that he said:

''I thought we would go out for lunch.''

''Yeah, why not.''

''So maybe you shouldn't spoil your appetite.'' Mac suggested.

''Oh, come on, give it back!'' Jo ordered, trying to take the box away from him.

''Nope.'' He said with a grin.

''Mac!'' Jo squealed and he grinned even more, lifting his hand as high as he could, keeping the box out of her reach. ''Oh for heaven's sake...'' Jo groaned and stretched herself, standing on her tiptoes, trying to grab the box from him. She placed her other hand on his shoulder for support, but she lost her balance anyway when he backed off suddenly. She leaned against him, pushing him into the counter. Mac held her by the waist, trying to steady them both. He lowered his hand and put the box down on the counter, behind his back and then he placed his other hand on Jo's waist as well, pulling her even closer. Jo could barely stop the whimper of delight when she felt his strong body against hers. His muscular arms, broad chest and taut stomach. She wanted to run her hands over his body and feel his muscles react to her touch.

Jo looked up at Mac and her breath got caught in her throat. He wanted her. The thought caused a shiver to go down her spine. He really wanted her. The way he was looking at her left no doubts about it. She looked down and unconsciously tugged her bottom lip between her teeth.

_Oh no, not this expression._ Mac thought, feeling his body respond on its own. He couldn't decide if she looked more cute or more sexy – not looking at him and biting her lip. He groaned. He wanted to bite this lip too.

Mac was fighting for control, but this battle was lost before it even started. His right hand found its way to the nape of her neck and he caressed her lovingly, tangling his fingers in her hair. Jo closed her eyes and let out a soft sigh. He slowly lowered his head and brought his lips to hers. It was supposed to be as gentle as possible. He didn't want to put any pressure on her, giving her a chance to pull away whenever she wanted. But as he tasted her, he became aware it wasn't possible for him to keep this kiss so innocent. He craved for more. He felt her hand on the back of his head, as she kept him from moving away and the swirling sensation in the pit of his stomach started to grow, making him almost light-headed. She wanted it. She wanted it to last.

Jo couldn't believe it was actually happening. Mac's lips were so soft and his taste was intoxicating. The tip of his tongue was brushing slightly across her lower lip, letting her know what he wanted, but not forcing her to do that. She opened her mouth for him and moaned into the kiss, feeling him tasting her so gently, like he was caressing the inside of her mouth with his tongue. He tugged her lower lip between his and then bit it lightly, stealing another moan from her. The need for air started to be overwhelming and Jo broke the kiss, breathing rapidly. His lips moved to her neck and she tilted her head, granting him better access. His kisses were featherlight, his lips barely touching her skin. She sighed with pleasure. It felt heavenly.

Her smell was making his senses go crazy with lust. Mac had that smell in his mind for weeks and now, when it invaded his nostrils, he couldn't get enough of it. He wanted her stretched beneath him, arching herself into him, pushing her body into his touch. He brought his mouth back to hers, hungry to taste her again. She kissed him back with an equal passion, instinctively pressing her body even more into his. It was too much, but still not enough. He needed to undress her, to touch her all over, to kiss every inch of her. He pressed his hands to Jo's bottom and lifted her up slightly. Her body deliciously ground against his and he groaned at the feeling.

Jo wrapped her arms around his neck for support. She could easily feel how much he wanted her and it made her shiver with anticipation. She'd been so lost in the kiss, she hadn't even been aware of the fact that he had carried her to the living room. He was heading for the bedroom, but when she deepened the kiss and sucked on his tongue, his knees buckled and he decided that the couch would do as well. He gently lowered her and then slowly crawled over her, supporting himself on his hands. Jo broke the kiss, breathing fast. She undid three buttons of his shirt, but then got impatient and sneaked her hands inside it, enjoying the feel of his well-toned chest against her palms. Mac's lips moved to her neck and he tenderly caressed the sensitive spot just below her ear. He heard Jo's sharp intake of breath and sensed her pulse race. She locked her arms around him, pulling him closer to her.

His hard body covered hers, his weight making her legs part and she squeezed her eyelids tight as she suddenly felt trapped beneath him, unable to move, unable to breathe. He could feel how her whole body tensed, every muscle became rigid and taut, trying to resist him.

''No...'' Jo whispered and Mac immediately pulled away. He looked down at her, seeing her eyes closed tightly and her chin trembling like she was just about to break into tears.

''Jo...'' He said her name gently, looking at her. ''Open your eyes.''

After a moment she complied and Mac was able to see that her eyes were slightly moist.

''Do you want me to stop?'' He asked, knowing that she'd had a flashback of that bastard violating her body. She shook her head, although her eyes were saying something totally different. He moved away from her, wanting to stand up.

''Mac... don't leave.'' Jo whispered brokenly, catching his hand and stopping him. He sat on the couch next to her and frowned. He was torn. ''Please don't leave.'' Jo repeated, moving closer to him. ''I want you...'' She reached to his waist, trying to undo his belt. ''I want you really badly.'' She added in a shaky voice, but he stopped her hands.

''Jo, you had a flashback and you said 'no'. What are you expecting me to do?'' Mac asked, rubbing his forehead.

He looked at her. She was all he wanted, all he had dreamed about. He felt like his desire for her had built up for months, if not for years. He wanted to make love to her, to have all of her. To give her pleasure and closeness, everything she longed for. But she wasn't ready. He couldn't bear the thought he could hurt her, physically or emotionally. He would never forgive himself if he caused her any pain.

''Can't you just... ignore me?'' Jo asked quietly.

''What are you saying?'' Mac asked confused.

''Just... don't pay attention to my reaction.'' She whispered, glancing at him.

''You want me to force myself on you?'' Mac asked in disbelief. ''Is that... how you like it?''

''No!'' Jo protested tearfully and hid her face in her hands. He could see her frame trembling and it made him feel terribly guilty. She was crying and this time it was because of him. He took a deep breath to calm himself down. He reached for her and easily pulled her into his arms.

''I can't believe you even suggested something like that.'' Mac stated much more calmly. ''I would never do that.''

''I'm sorry.'' Jo whispered. ''It's just...'' She clutched at him with both hands. ''The last time someone touched me, it was him.'' She said so quietly he could barely hear her. ''I can still feel his hands on me, his breath... him all over me.'' She had to stop to take a deep breath. ''I don't want it to be him. I want it to be you.'' She looked up at him. ''I want you. Only you.''

''Jo, I want it as much as you do.'' He stated the obvious. ''But I think it's too soon for you. You're still... recovering.'' She slightly turned away from him and he sighed. ''I don't want you to regret it later. I don't want you to be hurt or scared. And I don't want you to have sex with me in order to chase your fears away.'' He lowered his head and whispered to her ear: ''I want you to truly enjoy it. When you're ready.'' She sighed deeply. ''OK?'' He asked, looking at her. She nodded, but he was able to see one big tear rolling down her cheek and, without even thinking what he was doing, he leaned over and kissed it away. Even with the hint of saltiness the kiss still tasted unbelievably sweet to him.

''Don't cry.'' Mac pleaded, kissing her eyes, then her cheeks.

She was so vulnerable, her body sensitive and femininely soft against his. So deliciously touchable. He swallowed hard, feeling his desire wakening anew. God, what she was doing to him. The power she held over him was just unbelievable. He was afraid that only one look at her, one touch from her would be enough for him to lose his control. He knew Jo trusted him. But he didn't trust himself.

He tried to focus on something else, but as if out of spite, all his fantasies, one after another, started to play in his head. He wanted to fulfill them, but at the same time, he was more than aware that what was between them was so very fragile right now. He didn't want to destroy it by being careless or moving too fast.

Mac gently broke their embrace and pulled her up, making her sit straight and look at him.

''Jo...'' He said quietly. ''I can't stay with you right now.'' She cast him a surprised glance and he sighed. ''I really don't want to leave you, but... I'm only human.'' He said almost apologetically. She looked at him with her eyes wide open.

''Will you be back?'' She asked brokenly, causing some tearing pain in his chest.

''Of course, I will.'' He answered without any hesitation and she nodded. ''Promise me you won't cry.'' He begged and quickly leaned towards her, brushing his lips against hers ever so slightly in a goodbye kiss. He pulled away and instantly became aware it wasn't enough. He couldn't help himself. He kissed her once again. She held very still, but her lips were so soft and inviting. He knew he was playing with fire. It took all his strength to break the kiss. He pressed his forehead to hers and closed his eyes, staying like that for a moment. Then he breathed in deeply and stood up, heading for the door.

. . .

Mac got into his car, but he just couldn't force himself to drive away. He closed his eyes, trying to calm down, but as he did, the image of Jo lying curled on the couch and weeping quietly stood in front of his eyes. He wanted to come back to her, to take her into his arms and make her feel better, but he was too afraid he wouldn't be able to control his desire for her. He had been suppressing it for so long, that when he finally gave into it, it felt like being hit by a truck. He was so angry at himself. He should take it slow, make her feel comfortable and secure. Instead of that he had been all over her, totally consumed by lust.

''God damn it!'' Mac yelled in frustration, slamming his hands against the steering wheel. He leaned back in his seat and rubbed his forehead. He had no idea what to do. He didn't feel like returning to his place, as he was sure the silence that rang in his apartment would drive him crazy. He wanted to be with her. He sighed deeply. He needed to think clearly.

The only thing that was good in the whole situation was that he was sure now she wanted him as well. The passion she had shown... God, it had made him go weak. It would be so good to be with her... if not for all that she had been through. He felt so hopeless. He wished he could take away her pain, make her forget about that nightmare.

Suddenly some movement on the parking lot caught his attention. Some guy got out of the car parked near Mac's and leaned against the bonnet, lighting a cigarette. He looked up at the building and Mac followed his gaze, feeling some uneasiness creeping up in him. Then the guy looked around quickly and for a moment Mac was able to see his face.

''Son of a ...'' Mac murmured, getting out of his car as quickly as he could. ''What the hell are you doing here?!'' He yelled. Russ glanced at him and smirked.

''I just want to talk to my lovely wife.'' He said innocently. ''It's not a crime, is it?''

''Talk?!'' Mac asked furiously, approaching him. ''Like the last time?! With your fists?'' He hissed, standing in front of him.

''Ech, buddy... I know you're not exactly a Casanova type, but it seems you know nothing about women at all.'' Russ grinned. ''Some can be tamed through force only.'' He said, blowing cigarette smoke in Mac's face. ''You just have to have the balls to do that.''

Mac felt the rage rising in him. The way he was talking about Jo, the fact he dared to show up in front of her home again and, most of all, everything he had done to her – all that made Mac want to kill him on the spot. He hit Russ' hand, making him drop his cigarette.

''Since when is raping and beating a woman is called 'taming'?'' Mac snapped.

''Raping?'' Russ asked and laughed. ''That's what she told you? Rape. That's a good one.'' He laughed some more. Then he said in a serious tone: ''You have no idea how willingly she spread her legs for me, asking me for a good fuck. I just didn't have the heart to refuse.'' He finished with a sly grin.

''Don't give me that bullshit! I've seen what you did to her.'' Mac growled, feeling his control slipping.

''I'll tell you a secret.'' Russ said, lowering his voice. ''Jo likes it rough. You know, it doesn't mean 'no' when she's moaning it.'' He looked at him amused. ''But I'm guessing she hasn't put out for you yet, since you don't know that.'' He joked.

Mac felt like punching his lights out. He knew it wouldn't help Jo, he knew it wouldn't be any solution to their problems. Nonetheless he just couldn't stop himself from doing that.

''Guess what... I like it rough, too. Wanna see?'' Mac asked and before Russ had a chance to figure out what he meant, Mac butted at him with his head, nearly knocking him out. He didn't let him sink to the ground, grabbing him by his jacket and hitting his head against the bonnet of his own car. He turned Russ around, still having a tight grip on his collar. Russ' fist made contact with Mac's face and he sensed the faint metallic taste of blood in his mouth. But the very next second he pushed Russ down to the black, shiny surface, immobilizing him.

''Are you enjoying it?'' Mac hissed through his clenched teeth. ''I guess not as much as Jo did, huh?'' He spat out. He punched Russ in his face, making him yelp in pain. Then again. And again.

He couldn't get the image of him violating Jo out of his head. In his mind it was the worst thing that could be done to a woman. He couldn't forgive himself for not protecting her from it. He knew that he shouldn't feel guilty, yet he did. He tried to convince himself that the only one who could be blamed for it, was this piece of garbage in front of him. Russ caused her not only the physical pain, but also made her feel humiliated and worthless. Mac just couldn't understand how it was possible for Russ to be so unconcerned about what he had done, not seeing how ruthless and cruel it actually had been. Mac hated how he was able to change Jo with it. The damage was very significant. This cheerful, calm and witty woman she used to be seemed to be gone. And he was afraid he wouldn't be able to ever bring her back. He was scared she wouldn't trust him fully, always being concerned about getting hurt again. And it was all Russ' fault. For a moment Mac felt like that bastard had stolen from him what was the best in his life. What he really treasured. What he really loved. He froze, devastated by the thought.

Mac didn't quite notice that Russ reached to his side and in one swift movement pulled the gun on him. It wasn't the first time when someone held Mac at gunpoint. But this time he didn't feel this sudden rush of adrenaline. He was feeling numb, like he had nothing to lose. He thought there was a truth in saying that the most dangerous people are those who have nothing to lose. Without hesitation he reached for Russ' gun and, taking him by surprise, he yanked it out of his hand. Because of the number of blows Mac had aimed, Russ' reactions weren't as fast as usual. Before he even realized, Mac pressed the barrel to his chest, keeping his finger on the trigger. He couldn't help but smile seeing in Russ' eyes what he wanted to see the most – fear.

''That was a really bad move.'' Mac stated calmly. ''I can kill you just like that now. Then claim it was in self-defense. You pulled your gun at me, when I was unarmed.''

Russ tried to move slightly, so Mac pressed the gun harder against his chest.

''Don't do that...'' Russ panted. ''Please.''

''I'm sorry, I can't quite hear you. What did you just say?'' Mac asked, making Russ groan.

''Don't kill me.'' He repeated louder.

''Did Jo ask you to stop? Did she beg you not to hurt her?'' Mac asked again, but Russ stayed silent. ''Did she?!'' Mac roared, pressing the gun even more into his chest.

''S-she... she did.'' He finally uttered.

''She did. But you didn't comply. Why should I then?''

Mac saw how Russ closed his eyes, being sure he was going to get shot right into his heart any second now.

''I won't do it only for one reason – I don't want to see you ever again, not even on the table in the morgue.'' Mac said, keeping the gun in place. ''But I promise you: if I see you anywhere close to Jo, we'll meet there. Do you understand?''

Without opening his eyes Russ nodded. Only then Mac backed off, moving away the gun. He removed the magazine and threw it far away, tossing the gun at Russ' feet.

''Get the hell out of here.''

He watched as Russ sank to the ground. It took him a moment to compose himself and he stood up with some difficulties, getting into his car. Then he drove away slowly.

Only then Mac breathed a sigh of relief. He sat in his car again and closed his eyes for a moment. He could feel how his lower lip pulsated with pain and he pressed two fingers to it, noticing he was bleeding a little. But it was nothing in comparison to Russ' injuries. Mac couldn't help but smirk, thinking that Russ punched like a little girl.

. . .

With a quiet sniff Jo wiped away another tear. She sighed deeply, silently telling herself to pull herself together. She got up from the couch and headed to the bathroom. She couldn't help but moan seeing her reflection in the mirror. Splashing cold water on her face didn't really help to reduce the redness of her eyes, but it managed to calm her down.

She knew she should do something, she couldn't just sit and feel sorry for herself. It wouldn't do any good, making her feel only more miserable. And what was even more important, she knew she couldn't put her issues first, again. There was someone for whom she had to be strong, who meant more than the world to her. And who deserved her attention more than anything.

Jo checked her watch and made a quick decision. She hastily put on her coat and grabbed her purse, leaving the apartment.

After not more than 40 minutes she was standing in front of Ellie's school, watching the crowd of laughing and chatting teenagers.

''Ellie!'' Jo called her daughter as soon as she saw her coming out of the building. She looked at Jo, slightly surprised, then she quickly said good bye to her friends and approached her mother.

''Mom! What are you doing here?'' Ellie gave her a quick hug. ''I thought I was suppose to come back home with Lacey.''

''Yeah, I called Lacey's mom in the morning, asking her to give you a lift, but then I decided to pick you up myself.'' Jo said, smiling at her.

''Awww, did you miss me?'' Ellie teased her.

''Of course I did. So, so, so much!'' She answered, ruffling her hair slightly.

''Mom...'' Ellie said in a warning tone, glancing at the group of her classmates standing near by.

''I know, I know...'' Jo sighed. ''The bad news is that we have to take the subway.''

''That's OK. But do we have to go back home straight away? Do you have something to do?'' Ellie asked, looking up at her.

''Nope. What do you have in mind?''

''I don't know.'' Ellie shrugged her shoulders. ''Shopping? Pizza? Ice-cream? You choose.'' She smiled and Jo smiled back. It seemed she wasn't thinking about anything particular, just wanting to hang out with her mom.

''Burgers and milkshakes?'' Jo suggested, winking at her.

''Fine with me!'' Ellie said.

They headed for the nearest burger joint, having to cross the park to get there. It was cold, but the sun was shining, making the walk really pleasant. Jo glanced at Ellie, who was cheerfully marching by her side, humming something quietly.

''I love this scarf.'' Jo said, pointing at the long, colorful and thick scarf Ellie was wearing.

''Me too. Although it was rather hard to find it in my closet this morning, when Mac told me I had to wear one.'' Ellie said,and Jo smiled to herself.

''It would be easier if you organized your closet better.''

''Look who's talking!'' Ellie laughed and Jo decided to ignore her remark.

''The thing that surprised me more is that you listened to Mac without arguing about it.'' Jo told her, still smiling.

''Yeah... He kinda had a point there, it is a little cold today.'' Ellie said nonchalantly. ''You don't argue with him either.'' She added.

''I don't.'' Jo agreed. ''Because I know he does that for my own good.''

''Exactly! He's not bossy only for being bossy and throwing his weight around.''

''Do I do that?'' Jo asked, slightly concerned.

''Rarely.'' Ellie answered diplomatically. ''But I could think of someone who does.'' She murmured and Jo nodded._ Of course._ She thought. _Russ._ Ellie's perceptiveness always amazed her. She was able to read people without any difficulties, seeing right through them, noticing especially what they wanted to hide the most.

Jo glanced at the young couple sitting on the bench next to the alley. They were about 20 years old and they seemed to have eyes only for themselves. The girl was sitting on the boy's lap, reading him some textbook. Jo couldn't keep herself from smiling lightly, seeing how the boy couldn't take his eyes off the girl's lips, not listening to her at all. As Jo and Ellie were moving past them, he started to kiss the girl. Ellie slowed down slightly, watching them mesmerized and Jo let out a sigh, thinking about what had happened not so long ago. She could still faintly taste Mac on her lips. She hated herself for her reaction and she was truly afraid that she had thrown away the only opportunity they had. The thought was devastating, as she was aware the reaction was completely involuntary and she could do nothing to stop it. Her system just went crazy, becoming overloaded with sensations, mixing them with bad memories and fears. And for a moment she just couldn't tell the difference between the reality and the distorted reflection of it that her mind had created.

They reached the burger joint and Ellie picked the table next to the window. She put her bag on the chair and said:

''I'll order. What do you want, mom?''

''The usual.'' Jo answered, giving Ellie money.

''OK.'' Ellie said and she walked to the registers. After a while she was back with two burgers, two shakes and a rather big paper bag. She placed one burger and the vanilla shake in front of Jo and sat down.

'' 'Purple Cow'?'' Jo asked, pointing at Ellie's milkshake.

''Yup. Do you want some?''

''Nah. I think it looks better than it tastes.'' Jo wrinkled her nose.

''It tastes fine.''

''And that?'' Jo asked, reaching for the paper bag, but Ellie was quicker. She grabbed it and placed it on her lap.

''That's mine.'' Ellie said and Jo raised her eyebrows at her.

''Take away?''

''Mhm.'' She murmured, taking a huge bite of her burger. Jo looked at her and smiled, then she lifted her hand with a napkin and wiped off some sauce that was on Ellie's chin.

''Don't ever go for a date to a burger joint, hon.'' She told her daughter with a grin.

''Why not?'' Ellie asked with her mouth full.

''Because it's impossible to eat burgers gracefully! They're just too delicious...'' Jo said, taking a bite herself.

''And why exactly should I care?'' Ellie asked making a funny face. ''What's even the point of dating a guy with whom I can't be myself?''

''Well... the idea in general is not bad. But then, after spending years on teaching you good manners, it's hard for me to accept that you can't be yourself without eating like that.''

''Mom, give me a break.'' Ellie moaned. ''I'm not saying I would eat like that on a date. But if I want to, then I will. And if the boy won't be fine with it, then it's his problem, not mine.'' She explained and took a sip of her 'Purple Cow' milkshake.

''It isn't really that simple in practice, you know.'' Jo sighed.

''Because people always complicate it! Pretending to be someone else to impress the other person. And what for? I think it's quite easy: the whole package or nothing.'' Ellie stated firmly, while Jo watched her with her eyes wide open, the burger she was holding with her both hands long forgotten. ''What?'' Ellie asked, seeing her mother's expression.

''Nothin'.'' Jo answered quickly, blinking a few times.

''And I'm pretty sure Mac would love the way you devour your burger.'' Ellie added with a huge grin, making Jo almost choke on her bite.

''I doubt it.'' She uttered, blushing slightly.

''I don't. He adores every single thing about you.''

''Honestly, that's not...'' Jo started, but then suddenly stopped, giving Ellie a penetrating gaze. ''How do you know?''

''Mom, are you kidding?'' Ellie rolled her eyes at her. ''Can't you see how he looks at you?'' She asked with a beaming smile and Jo had no chance, but to smile back.

''You do like Mac, don't you?'' Jo asked.

''Sure I do. But what I like even more is how you are when you're with him.''

''Like what?'' Jo asked.

''Relaxed. And somehow... at ease.'' She simply said and Jo gave her a light smile. It was unbelievable how she managed to come to such a conclusion only by observing them. ''Is he staying with us?'' Ellie asked, finishing her burger. Jo felt how her smile disappeared. She cast Ellie a glance, trying to figure out what she was actually asking about. About Mac staying at their place tonight? About Mac staying with her until she recovered and went back to work? Or about Mac staying with them... for good? She sighed deeply, thinking that whatever the question was, there was only one possible answer.

''I don't know, honey.'' Jo told her quietly.

. . .

''… she said she liked the blue one more, she already took it to pay for it. And when I chose the yellow one, she suddenly changed her mind and decided to take the yellow one as well. Can you imagine?!'' Ellie asked, but it was clearly a rhetorical question, so Jo didn't really feel obligated to answer it. ''Which means I can't wear it to school, as we have identic tops! And I though that maybe I should wear it the very next day after I'd bought it, before she would. Then it would be obvious I was the first to have it, but I was afraid that she would do the same! And wearing the exact tops the same day would be just...'' Suddenly Ellie stopped in the middle of her flood of words, but even that wasn't able to catch Jo's attention, as she was totally lost in her thoughts. ''Mom?''

''Yeah?''

''Where are you going?'' Ellie asked. Jo looked at her and sighed. They usually went through the parking lot, as it was the shorter way from the metro station. Only then Jo realized that since a couple of days she was instinctively taking the longest way, feeling quite uncomfortable with the thought of going through the dark and rather unpleasant parking lot.

She followed Ellie, not wanting her fears to infect her daughter. She unconsciously picked up the pace, wanting to be home as soon as possible. She noticed that Ellie trailed behind and she turned around, seeing her standing in the middle of the parking lot and looking at some car.

''Ellie, come on!'' Jo rushed her.

''Mom, isn't it Mac's car?'' Ellie asked, still staring at the car. Jo sighed and went back to her. She glanced at the car, checking the plates.

''It is.''

''And I think he's...'' Ellie started, but instead of finishing her thought she quickly moved to the car and knocked on the window, then pulled the driver's door open. ''Hi, Mac!'' She exclaimed happily. ''Are you waiting for us?'' Jo moved slightly towards them, suddenly feeling nervous. She saw Mac getting out of the car and glancing at Ellie in surprise. Then he looked at Jo and she was able to see a small cut on his lower lip. She furrowed her eyebrows, letting her eyes sweep over him, checking for other injuries, but it seemed there weren't any.

''Come on, Mac.'' Ellie said, taking him by the hand and slightly pulling him towards the building. ''Mom, I think Mac should have keys to our place.'' She suggested. ''I really don't think waiting in the car is so great.''

Jo looked at Mac and he cast her a furtive glance. He had the keys to her apartment, he could wait inside. But he had chosen not to. Jo turned her gaze away, feeling hurt, as it was obvious he wasn't really waiting for them and if not for Ellie, he would just sit in his car.

Ellie let go of his hand and pushed the front door open, which he held for Jo. She moved through it without looking at him, which was rather odd, as she always thanked him for this gesture with her eyes. He sighed slightly. Ellie pushed the elevator button and then turned to face Mac again.

''Mom came to pick me up after school and we went for burgers. I got you one, too.'' Ellie said, lifting her hand with the paper bag and showing it to him. ''I didn't know which one you like the most, so I made a special order and they made one with everything. Beef, bacon, cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion...'' She stopped for a moment and looked up, trying to remember if there was anything else in it which she had forgotten. ''Oh, and pickles.'' She added. ''You can always throw away what you don't like, right?'' She asked hopefully, glancing at him.

''Sure.'' Mac answered, giving her a light smile, then looking again at Jo. But she was still avoiding his gaze. They got in the elevator and Mac reached out to push the button. Jo automatically checked if he pressed the right one and she almost gasped seeing his hand. She took it in hers, wanting to take a better look. His knuckles were red and badly scraped. She looked up, still holding his hand, and gave him a questioning look. His eyes were fixed with hers, but he didn't give her a chance to read through him.

''Oh, gosh!'' Ellie suddenly said, somehow lowering the tension between them. She was watching Mac's hand as well. ''What happened to you? Have you beaten up some bad guy?'' She asked.

''You can say that.'' Mac answered, still looking at Jo and he was able to see how her eyes widened. He was sure she understood what he meant.

The elevator door pinged and Mac slipped his hand from Jo's, letting her walk away. She unlocked the door and went inside.

''I'm sure you made a pulp out of him.'' Ellie said proudly, coming in after Jo, but turning around to look at Mac.

''Pretty much.'' Mac murmured and Jo again cast him a glance.

''Ellie, could you please unload the dishwasher?'' She asked her daughter.

''Now?'' Ellie asked with disappointment.

''Yes, please. Oh, and put this burger for Mac in the microwave. I'm pretty sure he's hungry.''

''OK.'' Ellie agreed on that instantly. Any other time Jo would make a comment about it, but right now she was occupied with something else.

As soon as Ellie disappeared in the kitchen, Jo approached Mac.

''What have you done to him?'' She asked quietly, speaking to Mac for the first time since they'd met in the parking lot.

''You're concerned about that jerk?'' He asked angrily, with evident disbelief.

''Of course not, don't be ridiculous!'' She hissed. ''But whatever you did to him, he'll use it against you. I'm sure he'll report it and... Mac, you can even go to jail!''

''Jo, it's not going to happen.'' He told her calmly, placing his hands on her shoulders, but she didn't seem at all to be convinced. She lifted her hand to her forehead and rubbed it nervously. Then she looked at him.

''Why the hell did you do that?'' She asked, her voice getting more shaky with every word.

''I just lost it.'' Mac shuddered his shoulders. ''I left your place and... he was there, waiting for you in the parking lot.''

''Oh God...'' Jo whispered, feeling sick at the thought she could meet him there.

''Don't worry, he's not going to bother you again.'' It was suppose to calm her, but the effect was totally opposite.

''Jesus, Mac, tell me you didn't kill him!'' She almost begged.

''I didn't.'' He assured her, thinking briefly about how close he actually had been to do that.

''Thank God...'' She let out a pent up breath. ''I can't im-magine l-losin' y-you...'' She choked back a sob.

''Sshhh.'' He whispered, pressing his forehead to hers and wanting to look her directly in the eyes, but she squeezed her eyelids shut, trying to block the sudden flood of emotions. She took a deep breath and after a moment she opened her eyes again.

''Are you staying for tonight?'' Jo asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

''Do you want me to stay?'' Mac answered with a question and she nodded, not trusting her ability to speak. They heard the beep of the microwave and then Ellie calling Mac's name. ''And it seems you're not the only one.'' Mac added with a grin, pointing towards the kitchen with his head.

. . .

Jo turned in her bed for the umpteenth time. She tried every possible position, but sleep just didn't want to come. Her thoughts flew to a few nights back, when she had slept calmly through the night, being wrapped in Mac's arms. She remembered how frightened and shaken up she had been and how easily he had managed to calm her down and make her feel safe again. And now her fear was even bigger, as she wasn't just scared of what had happened – she was scared of the future. She felt so close to making her dreams come true, yet so far away. Like she was watching it from behind the glass. The more she thought about it, the dreadful fear of not being happy ever again was getting stronger. She tried to silence it, but there was no use. It was like being under a cruel spell and she had no idea if it was possible for it to be broken.

For so many years she tried not to feel lonely, pretending in front of herself that this was her choice and it really didn't feel so bad. And most of the time she was successful, enjoying being able to decide for herself, without asking anybody for an opinion. Only once in a while, when she had gotten this awful, shaky feeling, that the world was going to fall apart, she had wished there was someone at her side. Like at times when Ellie was sick and Jo had been sitting beside her bed, being scared more than ever, not sure what to do to help her. Or when Tyler hadn't been back from a party and she was waiting for him in the middle of the night, checking her watch every minute. At moments like that she would give up anything to be with someone who would soothe her, assure that everything would be just fine.

She sighed deeply, staring in the darkness at the ceiling and thinking about the man, who was sleeping right in the next room. About his comforting embrace. How was it possible for her to long so much for something she barely knew? It was irrational, but it didn't matter for her to crave it with such strength, it felt like a physical pain. She was aching for him and she knew there was only one way to make it go away – she needed to be close to him.

She got up as quickly as she could, before her reason managed to stop her. She opened the door and entered the living room. She stood next to the couch, watching Mac sleep. Involuntarily she let out a sigh, but at the same moment she was forced to draw air back into her lungs with a loud gasp, as he suddenly opened his eyes, looking at her.

''Jo? What is it?'' He asked anxiously, propping himself up.

''I can't sleep.'' Jo whispered, sounding somehow teary. The room was dark, but he noticed how she shivered slightly because of the cold.

''C'mere.'' Mac said quietly, opening his arms for her.

''There is not enough space...'' Jo pointed with a hint of sadness in her voice. ''You'll be uncomfortable.''

''I don't care.'' He answered, moving to the edge, making room for her between himself and the back of the couch. She nimbly crawled over him, gratefully placing herself next to him. There was so little space she had to lie partly on him, with her one leg placed across his body. Mac brought his arms around her and covered them both with the blanket. He sighed happily, marveling at how perfectly she fit against him. Jo cuddled her face against his chest, sniffing quietly. She wasn't crying anymore, but he knew she was sorrowful and heartbroken.

''Jo... we'll make this work.'' He whispered.

''What if... we won't?'' She asked simply.

''We will.'' Mac assured her. ''I promise.'' He added and kissed her hair. ''Do you believe me?''

''I do.'' She answered without hesitation. She trusted him with her whole heart. He sounded so firm and she knew he was honest, he always was. He had this precious ability to calm her down with a very few words, as she was sure what he said, was true. She closed her eyes and got lost into the rhythm of his heartbeat. It made for a perfect lullaby and soon she drifted away to sleep.

. . .

**A/N Terribly sorry for such a long break between the updates, but, despite of a busy life itself, this chapter gave me a really hard time... I wasn't quite sure how I should solve some issues showed in it and the story almost died because of that. To be honest, UrbanMuse deserves credit for bringing it back to life :) This time she not only proof-readed it in order to chase all the awful mistakes away, but also gave me many opinions and ideas about the plot itself.**

**Thanks a lot for waiting for the update - if you have any thought on it, no matter, good or bad, please don't hesitate to share them with me.  
**


	11. running over the same old ground

. . .

The very first thing Mac registered was the weight of Jo's body on his. Then her smell and the feeling of her warm skin against his fingertips. And her soft breath on his neck. He opened his eyes and saw her lying on top of him, her cheek pressed to his chest. He brushed the strand of her hair away, wanting to see her face. She stirred and looked up at him, smiling.

''Hi.'' He whispered.

''Hi, yourself.'' Jo answered back and placed a kiss on his jaw. It was soft, sweet and not at all innocent.

''Jo...'' He groaned lightly, not sure if in faint protest or surprise.

''I dreamt about you.'' She confessed.

''Yeah? What did you dream?''

''You... gave me... the best...'' She said in between the kisses, moving her lips along his jaw. ''… in my... life.''

''I didn't quite get the middle part.'' Mac whispered breathlessly. ''The best what?''

Jo pulled away and looked at him. The corner of her mouth twitched.

''Breakfast.'' She repeated a little louder. ''Eggs and bacon.''

''Oh...''

''Oh.'' She mimicked his tone, smirking at his disappointed expression.

''Jo Danville, you're a terrible tease!''

''Me?'' She asked innocently.

''Yeah, like you don't know that.'' He groaned and rose slightly, kissing the corner of her mouth, which went up in a half smile. ''Did you sleep well?''

''I did.'' She smiled at him. ''Who would think you made for such a good pillow, detective.'' She sighed and stretched her body, nuzzling her face against his chest.

''Whoooa!'' Ellie exclaimed entering the living room. Jo jumped up hearing her and awkwardly tried to move away from Mac, almost falling to the floor. He caught her just in time, pulling her back to him. They sat up, bumping into each other.

Ellie studied them with her brows raised, something clearly on her mind. Finally she asked:

''Have you broken the bed?''

''Ellie!'' Jo gasped. ''For the love of all that's holy...'' She started, but she was cut off by Mac's sudden outburst of laughter. She didn't remember hearing him laughing so hard before. ''Have you lost your mind?'' She asked him, raising an eyebrow at him.

''I'm sorry...'' He managed to utter, trying to calm himself. ''But I really enjoy your way of thinking, Ellie. What other explanation could there be for two adults sleeping on the couch?'' He asked and Ellie offered him a huge grin. At the same time Jo punched his arm.

''Oww.'' He moaned and turned the corners of his mouth down, looking at Jo. She only rolled her eyes at him, but his overdramatising made Ellie laugh. She was still giggling as she left the room.

''Moooom! Do we have some chocolate cereal?'' Ellie yelled from the kitchen.

''Yeah, we do!'' Jo answered.

''Wheeere?''

Jo sighed, pulling herself up from the couch and moving to the kitchen. Before she exited the room she turned around and asked:

''Will you join us for breakfast?''

''I'll be there in a minute.'' Mac answered.

''OK.'' She offered him one of her smiles and left the room.

When he joined them, Jo was in the middle of investigating the mysterious disappearance of Ellie's soccer socks.

''Mom, I'm telling you, there's something going on here...''

''Like what?''

''I don't know... Maybe our washing machine is devouring them?''

''You want me to arrest it?'' Mac asked, gratefully accepting the cup handed him by Jo.

''Don't you have to have some evidence first?'' Jo took the bait, making Mac wink at Ellie.

''That's right, we can't risk putting the innocent washing machine behind bars.'' Mac said, trying to suspend his laughter.

''Oh, I don't know if it is so innocent.'' Jo said, squinting her right eye. ''The number of socks that disappeared is just highly suspicions.''

''You know, according to the Ockham's razor rule I would rather say that the one to blame for this is you and your lousy laundry schedule.'' Mac said sweetly, blinking quickly a few times, making Ellie laugh again.

''Ellie... you could at least have the decency to deny that.'' Jo said with a mock grudge in her voice.

''Sorry, mom.'' Ellie giggled. ''Mac kinda has a point here.'' She winked back at him. ''But! I don't think it's an issue this time. I've checked our basket with dirty laundry. There isn't the tiniest sign of them...'' She paused dramatically.

''Maybe you've just left them somewhere?'' Jo asked rationally.

''Like where?''

''I don't know. Locker room at the stadium?''

''Well... possible.'' Ellie admitted. ''But you did say that you're missing your socks too.''

''So what are you saying, Ellie? That we're dealing with a serial killer here?'' Mac asked, between taking sips of his coffee.

''It seems so.''

''That means a life sentence.'' Mac said seriously.

''Wait a minute! And I'm supposed to wash my clothes in the river?'' Jo asked.

''I don't think it's relevant to the case.'' Mac noted. ''And don't you try this sad face on me. I can charge you with obstruction of justice.'' He joked.

''Oh really?'' Jo asked, holding his gaze.

''Yeah, really.'' He answered, mimicking her tone.

''And what? You'll handcuff me and lock me up?'' She asked, raising her eyebrow at him.

''If I have to...''

They looked each other in the eye for a moment, trying to guess what was going on in each other's head.

''Anyway...'' Ellie brought them back to reality. ''The point is: I don't have any socks for tomorrow's game.'' She stated clearly. ''Which means...''

''Oh no...'' Jo moaned.

''… that we have to go shopping!'' Ellie finished with a beaming smile.

''Yeah... That's what I didn't want to hear.'' Jo murmured.

Before Ellie had a chance to answer, Mac's cell phone started to ring in the living room and he rushed to answer it.

''Oh come on, mom!'' Ellie said in a sweet voice. ''Don't you need some new socks for yourself?''

''Umm... We'll see... OK?'' Jo said, slightly distracted. She looked at Mac, who just entered the kitchen, a serious look on his face.

''You have to go?'' Jo asked, trying to hide the sadness in her voice.

''Yeah.'' He sighed. ''I'll call you.'' He added, placing a kiss on her head. ''Take care.''

''You too.'' Jo told him, following him with her eyes to the door. Then, when he was finally gone, she sat at the table and stared at her mug. She was already missing him.

''Hey, mom... Cheer up!'' Ellie told her. ''He'll be back!''

Jo looked at her daughter and smiled. But then the smile slowly disappeared from her lips.

''Ellie, I think I have to talk to you about something.''

. . .

''I don't quite understand...'' Ellie said slowly. ''So you did know who my father was? The whole time?''

''Yes.'' Jo answered.

''But last year, when you told me about my mother, you said that nobody knew who my biological father was.'' Ellie said, furrowing her eyebrows. ''Did you... lie to me?''

''I did.'' Jo admitted with a sigh. ''And I can't tell you how sorry I am about it.''

''You always say that lying is not fair. And that you shouldn't do it for any reason, especially not to those who you love.'' Ellie said, glowering slightly at her. ''It was you, who said it should be honesty no matter what between the two of us.'' She added.

''I know. And I'm not trying to justify it. It was bad and I'm really sorry I wasn't honest with you.'' Jo said looking into her daughter's eyes. Much to her relief she could see how Ellie's features started to soften. ''I just want you to understand how hard for me it was. I had no idea how to tell you that...'' She started to explain, speaking as quickly as she could.

''Why?''

''I was so scared that you... that it would change how you feel about me.'' Jo confessed.

Ellie stayed silent for a moment, then she leaned back in her chair, looked at Jo again and said:

''To be honest I don't really care about him. He was a bad guy, you were doing your job. I really don't feel sorry for him. He wasn't my father. I mean, OK, I have his DNA. That's pretty much it, right?'' She shrugged her shoulders. ''You're my mother and my father.'' She declared. Jo choked back a sob hearing her, but her tears fell anyway. Ellie slipped from her chair and stood in front of Jo, throwing her hands around her neck. ''Mom... mommy... please, don't cry.'' She whispered. Jo placed her arms around her, pulling Ellie to her lap. ''Don't cry.'' Ellie repeated placing her head on Jo's shoulder. ''You cried so much when Tyler's dad was here... I hate him for how he hurt you.''

''I'm so sorry I put you in the middle of that.'' Jo whispered.

''It was so awful.'' Ellie said quietly. ''I thought you didn't care about me anymore. That he was more important than me.''

''Ellie, it wasn't at all like that. I had to let him... stay with me only because he blackmailed me. He threatened that he would tell what I had done.'' Jo said and closed her eyes for a moment, trying to push the horrible memories away. ''I couldn't even think about it. I can't imagine how miserable my life would be without you.''

''And mine? Without you?'' Ellie asked. ''It's good we have each other, right?'' She added.

''Very good.'' Jo answered, sighing deeply. She felt like a huge burden was off her chest. She wiped away her own tears and looked at Ellie. ''You're a very wise girl, do you know that?''

''Well, like mother, like daughter.'' Ellie said, smiling at her mom.

''Yeah.'' Jo reciprocated her smile. ''Do you still want to go shopping?'' She asked doubtfully, but much to her surprise Ellie exclaimed:

''Yes! And you?'' She quickly asked, glancing at Jo.

''Me too.'' Jo said and Ellie slipped from her lap. ''I think we both need it. That and some ice-cream. Or maybe some hot chocolate?'' She hesitated, looking at Ellie.

''Ice-cream!'' They both said in unison.

. . .

Jo didn't even realize they spent so much time in the mall until they both made it back home, carrying just a ridiculous amount of paper bags. It was more than certain that the sock crisis was over, as Jo had to stop Ellie from buying at least one pair from every style. She told her to chose not more than ten pairs and she moved to the lingerie section, where she faced some serious troubles with decision-making herself.

Ellie went to her room, wanting to unpack all her bags as soon as possible and Jo started the coffee maker, feeling suddenly quite tired and sleepy. She checked her phone, trying not to be disappointed there was no new message or unanswered call. She knew Mac was busy, he texted her earlier, letting her know the case was just a mess and it probably would take much time to collect all the evidence. The message was rather curt, but at least Jo wasn't worried about him, as she knew he was at the crime scene.

They ate some junk food heated in a microwave for dinner, as Jo didn't really feel like cooking and Ellie obviously didn't mind. Then they watched some silly TV shows together. Somewhere around 9 p.m. Ellie went to her room, staying glued to her laptop till the middle of the night. Jo got bored with watching TV alone pretty quickly and decided she would just go to sleep earlier.

The only problem was she couldn't fall asleep. The clock was ticking, minutes turned into hours and still sleep didn't want to come. Slightly after 3 a.m. Jo gave up, turned on the bedside light and started to read. Around 7 a.m. she closed her eyes for a brief moment and drifted away for what seemed to be only a couple of minutes. She was woken up from her shallow sleep by the sound of her phone vibrating. She reached for it and read the text: _'Are you asleep?'_. She checked the hour, it was 2 minutes after 9 a.m. She quickly typed _'Yes!'_ and hit the 'send' button. It took him fewer than a minute to call her.

''You are?'' Mac asked in a quiet voice.

''Yes, I am.'' She answered.

''And you're texting me while sleeping?'' He asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

''Yes.''

''And talking to me?''

''As well.'' Jo told him. ''Why are you whispering?''

''Don't want to wake you up.'' He whispered again and she chuckled.

''Mac...'' She said in a much softer voice. ''Where are you?''

''At my place.''

''Oh... OK.'' She said, trying to sound casual, but she knew he was able to hear that catch in her voice.

''Jo... We finished to process the evidence around 2 a.m. I couldn't possibly come to your place at such an hour.''

''You could come at any hour.'' She told him. ''I was waiting for you.''

''You weren't asleep?''

''No.''

''For the whole night?'' He asked, with disbelief and concern mixed together in his voice.

''Almost.''

''Jo... I was sure you were sleeping sweetly.'' He sighed. ''Next time I will know, OK?''

''I don't think there will be a next time.'' She told him and he became silent. ''Next time I'll be in the lab, processing those evidence with you.'' She added and he released his breath.

''Right.'' He laughed lightly. ''Um, Jo... listen... do you have any plans for today?''

''Well, I'm going with Ellie to her soccer practice and then she's got a game.''

''Oh, that's right. Where is it?''

''In St. Mary's Park. Do you want to come with us?'' She asked. ''I mean, if you don't have anything better to do. But you're probably busy. Nevermind.'' She added quickly.

''Jo, I'm not busy. I don't plan on showing up in the lab today.''

''OK.''

''What time is the practice?''

''At noon.''

''Noon...'' He paused. ''How about I come to your place now... and... hmm... make your dreams come true?'' Now it was Jo's turn to stop breathing.

''What?''

''Eggs and bacon. For breakfast.''

''Aaah.'' She laughed in embarrassment, as something completely different had crossed her mind.

''So?''

''If you want to.'' She said, pretending she didn't care.

''Do you want me...?'' Mac asked and as he heard himself, he realized how it sounded. ''… to come?'' He added quickly, making things only worse. She bit her finger, trying not to laugh, but it didn't help.

''I do...'' She managed to utter. He groaned and said:

''OK, so I'm... heading to your place.'' He said, making better choice of the words, but it was too late, she was already laughing uncontrollably. He smiled to himself, hearing her and for a brief moment he regretted he couldn't see her. Then he cleared his throat and said in his usual monotone: ''You should really get some sleep.''

. . .

''Moooommy! I'm hungry! I want a hot-dog!'' Mac heard behind his back. He turned around and saw a small boy dragging a pretty redhead by her hand towards the hot-dog cart.

''Luke, I've told you we're going to your grandma's for lunch.'' The lady said to the boy, but obviously it wasn't what he wanted to hear, so he started to cry as loud as he could. She quickly picked him up and headed back to the playgrounds. Even when they were quite far away, Mac still could hear Luke's weeping. Mac sighed and looked up at the stands, spotting Jo. She was talking to some guy, pointing at something on the soccer field and smiling at him. Mac frowned slightly. There was something about the guy he didn't like. Something creepy. There were plenty of free seats on his left, yet he was sitting next to Jo.

''For you?'' The girl behind the hot-dog cart asked, catching Mac's attention.

''I'll have one with ketchup, please.'' Mac answered and looked at Jo again. The guy was now completely turned in Jo's direction, leaning forward, his eyes fixed on her. Mac furrowed his eyebrows even more. He took his hot-dog, paid, murmured thanks and quickly went back to Jo.

''Do you mind if we switch seats?'' He asked when he reached her.

''What? Why?'' Jo looked at him slightly confused.

''I think you'll have a better view from up here.''

''Oh... OK.'' She agreed and stood up, letting Mac go past her. He sat next to the guy and eyed him up and down.

''Hey there.'' He murmured.

''Hi.'' The guy answered, somehow shyly, and looked straight ahead, focusing on the field.

Mac turned to Jo and found her eyes fixed on him.

''Really?'' She asked.

''What?'' Mac asked back, pretending that he had no idea what she was talking about. But she just tilted her head and gave him a scolding look. He sighed.

''Don't get mad.'' He said in a soft voice and kissed her head. She rolled her eyes at him, but deep down she couldn't help but smile to herself.

''Care to share?'' She asked, looking at the hot-dog he was holding in his hand.

''Didn't I ask you if you want one?'' Mac asked pursing his lips.

''I didn't want it then.'' She smiled sweetly at him. ''Oh, come on, it looks so tasty. Just one bite.''

_All we need now are those puppy dog eyes._ Mac thought. _Yeah, there she goes._

''Fine.'' He sighed. ''But just one.'' He reminded her.

After Jo ate half of his hot-dog, graciously leaving the last bite for him, she said:

''You know, I like it more when it is with both, ketchup and mustard.''

''I'll remember that next time when I buy a hot-dog... for myself.'' Mac said seriously, stressing out the last part.

''I've always thought you're a fast learner.'' She quipped and leaned towards him, placing a quick kiss on his lips. Then she straightened up and started to watch the game. And he watched her for a moment. She looked so happy and he had to admit it was a pretty good feeling to know it was he, who was making her feel this way.

''Oh, come on!'' She suddenly cried out, rising from her seat. ''What offside?! There was no offside!'' She yelled and he chuckled. He pulled her hand gently, making her sit down.

''You want to throw a shoe at the referee?'' Mac asked, trying to sound serious, but a little smile was wandering on his lips.

''Yeah! Give me yours!''

''Why mine?'' He wondered.

''Because it's bigger!'' Jo pointed out and he chuckled again. ''Ellie totally scored! There was no offside!'' She complained with irritation. ''She'll be devastated.'' She added sadly.

''She still has a chance, the second half just started.''

''Yeah.'' Jo murmured.

Mac was still holding her hand in his and he gently rubbed her cold fingers, which got her attention. Jo looked at him and sighed.

''You know, those gloves with a string weren't such a bad idea. I'm ashamed to admit it, but somewhere I lost one of the gloves you bought me.'' She said with a sad face and pulled out from her pocket the one glove she had. Mac looked at it and then reached to the pocket of his jacket, pulling out the other one. She cast him a look full of surprise.

''You left it in my car.'' He said. ''The other night.''

''When?''

''When Russ... attacked you.'' He glanced at her. ''I turned back on my way home, because I wanted to give it back to you.''

''To give it back to me? Why?'' Jo asked, looking directly into his eyes. Mac cleared his throat and looked away.

''Um, well... it's rather silly..''

''Just tell me.'' She said softly.

''Well... I thought it was a good excuse to see you again that night. I think I had some bad feelings, you acted so differently back then...'' He cast her a quick glance, then looked at the football field, not actually paying attention to the game. ''And I didn't want your hands to get cold again...'' He added in a quiet voice. Jo didn't say anything, so he turned his head to look at her. She was facing him with her eyes wide open and he was able to see how tears where gathering in them.

''Jo?''

She blinked a few times quickly and took a deep breath.

''I just... Gosh! It's really ironic, that if not for this little thing I would have end up...'' She stopped abruptly, not being able to say it, but Mac knew she already had gotten the picture in her head.

''You know, let's leave all 'what if' scenarios behind us.'' He suggested. ''What matters is that it ended well. Maybe it was just meant to be like that.'' He added and smiled at her.

''Yeah, maybe.'' Jo whispered. Then she moved closer to him, lightly pressing her shoulder against his, like she wanted to check by all her senses that he was really there with her. She couldn't even think what would have happened if he hadn't come to her place that night. That nightmare would still be happening. She had been so close to breaking down. He was the one who kept her from doing that and she knew she couldn't possibly be more grateful for what he had done for her. Without him nothing would be right, just nothing.

''Hey, you OK?'' Mac asked and she closed her eyes quickly. She wasn't able to put into words the happiness, relief and gratitude caused by him being with her at that very moment mixed with the fear that it could end anytime, as quickly, as it started.

''Yeah... I'm just cold.'' Jo whispered. And then he did what she knew he would do – he put his arm around her back and pulled her even closer to him, placing her head on his shoulder and pressing his cheek to her hair.

''25 minutes left. Then we'll move to some warmer place.''

. . .

Even though it seemed that the game would be lost, 2 minutes before the final whistle Ellie managed to turn it into a tie, scoring a goal despite being fouled, which somehow escaped the referee's notice. But not Jo's. She murmured something angrily, too quiet for Mac to understand, but the meaning was clear, as he managed to catch 'screw' and 'moron'.

They moved down and waited for Ellie in front of the locker rooms.

''Finally!'' Jo exclaimed when Ellie appeared. ''What took you so long?''

''Oh you know, giving autographs takes time.'' Ellie joked, making Mac and Jo laugh.

''Come on, I'm freezing.'' Jo rushed her, but she just looked at her and furrowed her eyebrows.

''I'm going to Kathy's, she's throwing a slumber party tonight.''

''What are you talking about?'' Jo asked confused.

''Yeah! I told you that. And you even said 'yes'.'' Ellie reminded her. ''Of course, you don't remember.'' She added reproachfully.

''When did you tell me that?''

''Like two weeks ago. At least.''

''Yeah, OK, I might forget about that.'' Jo admitted. ''Sorry, hon.'' Then she glanced at Mac. ''Too bad, I could have planned something.'' She said, making Ellie groan.

''Mom, honestly, the best fun is when it isn't planned. Just be spontaneous!''

''OK, then...'' Jo said hesitantly. ''So what time will you be back tomorrow?''

''Around 2 p.m. We want to go to the movies in the morning.''

''Do I have to pick you up?'' Jo asked.

''I don't know... I'll find out and give you a call, OK?''

''OK. So have fun, kiddo.''

''You too.'' Ellie answered, winking at her. Jo rolled her eyes in response, then quickly turned around hearing some muffled chuckle behind her. When she looked at Mac he was already serious. He turned around as well, pretending that he had no idea who had made that sound. Then he looked at Jo again and made a funny face. She just shook her head, but she had to admit that seeing this new, playful side of Mac Taylor was very enjoyable.

''See you tomorrow, Ellie.'' Jo said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. Then she turned around and moved to Mac, who caught her hand, saying:

''Bye, Ellie!''

''Bye!''

They walked to the parking lot and when they were near Mac's car Jo asked:

''So... what do you have in mind?''

''I don't know...'' He answered, opening the car door for her. ''Maybe a nice dinner?''

''Hmm...'' She hesitated, buckling up. He moved to the driver's side and got in the car.

''So?'' Mac asked, looking at her.

''You know... how about we grab some take away and spend this evening at my place...'' Jo said, touching his shoulder lightly and looking down. Then she glanced at him and added: ''Just two of us.''

''Sounds perfect to me.'' He answered and started the engine. ''What kind of take away do you want?''

''How about Italian?''

''Fine with me.'' Mac answered with a smile.

They drove to the small Italian restaurant near Jo's place and made an order, choosing several different dishes as Jo couldn't make up her mind which one she wanted. When they exited the restaurant she headed straight to his car, but he stopped her.

''How about we buy some wine?'' He asked, pointing at the liquor store.

''OK.''

They entered the store and stood in front of the wall with countless bottles of wine.

''Red? Semi-dry?'' Mac asked.

''Yeah...'' Jo answered absentmindedly.

''Any favorites?''

She easily spotted a familiar bottle and reached out in order to take it, but suddenly froze.

''This one?'' Mac asked taking it from the shelf.

''It... used to be my favorite.'' Jo said quietly, thinking about the last time she had drunk it.

''Not anymore? Did it give you some killer hangover?'' He joked.

''Yeah, you can say that.'' She sighed. ''I have some rather bad memories of it.''

''So how about we take it and make some good ones instead?'' Mac suggested and she nodded hesitantly. ''Not to mention I think this Californian wine will go really nicely with Italian food.''

''We'll see.'' Jo said, taking it from his hand and walking to the register.

. . .

''And which one do you think was the best?'' Mac asked, making himself comfortable on Jo's couch.

''I think the lasagna. I was really disappointed with the cannelloni. Yours were far better.''

''Thank you. And how about the spaghetti carbonara?'' He asked with a smirk.

''Nah. I don't like it. It tastes weird.'' Jo wrinkled her nose.

''Really? So why exactly did I catch you with your fork in my plate when I came back with wine glasses?'' Mac teased her.

''I just wanted to make sure I still don't like it.'' She said, offering him an adorable smile.

''You're impossible.'' He shook his head while looking at her. ''Men don't like to share in general, but if it comes to three things: food, cars and women, sharing is just unthinkable.''

''How about sharing your food with your woman?'' Jo asked with a smirk.

''That's the worst scenario ever. Because you can't say 'no'.''

''I would say the worst scenario is sharing your food with your woman in your car...'' She said and her smile grew.

''Oh my God...'' Mac moaned dramatically and placed_ his hand over his heart_ just to make her laugh. ''You're so right. That would be the worst for sure!'' And she did laugh, much to his delight. He was able to catch her glance, being quite surprised that she gave him that look she often gave Ellie when her daughter did something adorably stupid. But she quickly looked away and stayed quiet for a moment, lost in her thoughts. So he ended up watching her unabashedly.

She was toying with her glass, running her fingers up and down the stem, like she was petting it. Mac couldn't help but imagine her doing the same with a certain part of his body. When she lifted her glass and slowly placed her lips on its rim, he felt a sudden rush of blood going through his veins. And he became seriously lightheaded when she licked her lips with just the tip of her tongue. It was insane how alluring everything she did was. And what was turning him on even more was that she seemed completely unaware of the effect she had on him.

Jo took the last sip of wine from her glass and Mac reached out, taking it from her hand. He placed it on the table and refilled it, then handed it back to her.

''Are you trying to make me drunk?'' She asked with a flirtatious twinkle in her eye.

''Do I have to?'' Mac asked back in a low voice, leaning closer to her.

''No...'' Jo whispered, noticing how he was moving towards her, slowly but deliberately. Her pale skin got the lovely pink hue at the thought of what he was going to do.

''Are you blushing... Josephine?'' He asked. It was really surprising how incredibly sexy her full name sounded when he was saying it like that.

''I think it's because of the wine...'' Jo said with a slightly hoarse voice.

''And I thought it's because of me.'' He told her, moving even closer. His eyes dropped to her mouth.

''Perhaps both?'' She whispered, feeling how her lips started to tingle under his gaze.

''Or maybe just because of me?'' Mac asked, covering the distance between them almost completely.

''Maybe...'' She whispered against his lips, she lifted her head a little bit and closed her eyes in anticipation of his kiss.

Mac stopped for a moment, enjoying the look on her face. Her closed eyes and invitingly parted lips. Part of him still couldn't believe that she wanted him to kiss her. That she was waiting for it, longing for it. And he couldn't be more happy to grant her wish.

He brought his mouth to hers in a soft kiss, his lips moving slowly and sensually over hers. He was taking his time, exploring her, learning her reactions.

The taste of the red wine mixed with the taste of him hit her senses and she didn't know which one made her more lightheaded. Only their lips were touching and her whole body started to cry in protest. She wanted to run her hands over his chest, his shoulders, his back... Feel as much of him as possible.

Blindly, she made an attempt to place her glass on the table, but she missed. Mac caught her movement out of the corner of his eye and took the glass out of her hand at the very last moment, keeping it from falling to the floor and placing it securely on the table.

This somehow managed to pull Jo's mind out of a romantic haze and she gently broke the kiss, slightly backing off. She took a deep breath and said:

''I'd better take it to the kitchen.'' Then she stood up and took their plates, forks and wine glasses. She moved to the kitchen and put everything in the sink. She ran the water, but before she started to wash the dishes she leaned over the sink, trying to calm herself down. After a moment she picked up one of the forks and placed it under the spray.

''Jo?'' Mac's voice said her name close behind her, startling her and making her drop the fork. It landed on the plate with a loud twang.

''Yeah?''

''What's going on?'' Mac asked.

''Nothing.'' She answered quickly. Then she sighed deeply, knowing he wouldn't take it for an answer. ''I'm just... slightly nervous.'' She confessed.

''I can see that.'' Mac whispered close to her ear, sneaking his hands around her waist. ''Jo... sweetheart...'' She felt overwhelming warmth spreading inside her chest at the term of endearment he used. ''It doesn't have to be tonight.''

''But I want it... Do you?'' Jo asked hesitantly, turning her head to see him.

''You have no idea how much.'' He whispered, slowly brushing her hair off her neck. ''I dreamed about it so many times. About kissing you, touching you...'' He pressed his lips to the nape of her neck, placing little hot kisses there. ''About you climaxing in my arms.''

Jo put her hands on the edge of the sink for support, as suddenly her legs were like jello. She felt his hands on her waist, slipping beneath her top and for a moment she tensed, waiting for his touch to be painful. But nothing like that happened. His hands were eliciting only pleasure from her. She closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation. His big, strong, slightly coarse hands touching her so gently, with such care.

''God, the things I would like to do to you...'' Mac murmured between placing kisses on her neck, making her shiver – she wasn't sure, because of his caress, or his words. Or both. She turned around in his embrace and looked him in the eye.

''Can we... move somewhere more comfortable?'' Jo asked quietly.

''As you wish.'' He answered with a sexy smile and before she could even react, he scooped her up.

''Mac, really, you don't have to do that. I can walk.'' She said with clear amusement in her voice.

''Hush. Let the man be the man.'' He said, carrying her to the bedroom.

He lowered her on the bed and sat next to her. He pushed the waterfall sweater off her shoulders, then he leaned slightly towards her, letting her know what he wanted, but leaving the final decision to her. Jo moved closer to him and captured his lips in a deep, intimate kiss. She started to unbutton his shirt, not skipping the opportunity to caress his chest and his stomach. She ran her hands across his strong arms, letting the shirt fall to the floor and enjoying how hard his muscles felt against her fingertips.

Mac tugged on her top, pulling it up and breaking the kiss in order to remove it completely. His gaze dropped to her chest as he watched her breast covered with a lace, coral bra. He reached to her back, wanting to unclasp it, but she stopped him.

''At the front.'' She whispered.

''Oh, those tricky things.'' Mac groaned, making her smile. He unclasped it and pushed it off her shoulders, making it fall behind her. She brought her hand up, covering herself, as suddenly she felt very unsure. She thought about Christine, who was more than 10 years younger. She felt Mac reaching for her hand, taking it into his. He moved her hand up to his lips and kissed her knuckles, his eyes fixed on hers. Then he finally couldn't take it any longer and he gave into the desire of looking at her. His eyes dropped down and she her breath caught, as she was able to see how his eyes darkened with lust.

''So beautiful...'' Mac murmured, unable to tear his gaze from her full, creamy breasts. He placed his hand on her shoulder and with a gentle push he laid her on the bed. ''I want to know how you like to be touched.'' He whispered, hovering above her. He took her left hand and placed it on her chest. She cast him a glance full of doubts. ''Show me.'' He asked. His hot breath hit her skin and she closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation.

She gently cupped her own breast, teasing sensitive nerves endings. Then she brushed ever so slightly her palm over her nipple, feeling how it instantly hardened. She dared to open her eyes and glanced at him. His eyes were fixed on her body as he watched her completely mesmerized. She teased the nipple again with her fingertips and a quiet whimper slipped from between her lips. Mac lowered his head and placed a sultry kiss on her neck.

''God, it's such a turn on...'' He whispered directly into her ear, his voice even lower than usual, laced with desire. Then he brought his hand to her other breast, almost timidly. He slowly and gently mimicked her actions.

It felt so much better when he was doing that. His touch was sending jolts of pleasure through her body, right to her core, making her hotter and wetter. She moved her hand away and gripped the sheet tightly, as she had an irrational need to hold on to something. He seized the opportunity and quickly moved his mouth to the breast her hand had just abandoned. He kissed the swell of her breast, then slowly closed his lips on its tip. He glanced at her and smiled proudly seeing the look of pure bliss on her face. He caressed her nipple with the tip of his tongue, then he pulled away slightly and blew on the moist tip, watching it harden even more under the burst of air. He couldn't resist the temptation, so he lowered his head and sucked it into his mouth once more. She arched her back, pushing her breast more into his touch and he felt her hand on the back of his head, her fingers running through his hair.

His hands dropped lower, to her hips and he was able to feel she was rocking them slightly. His lips slowly followed the path of his hands, kissing the valley between her breasts, then skimming over her ribcage. Her bruises were still visible and he carefully placed his lips on them, one by one, like he wanted to kiss them off and make them disappear. He moved his mouth to her stomach and he felt how her muscles were tensing and relaxing, as waves of pleasure were rolling over her. He kissed her hip bone, then unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans. He tugged on them and she raised her hips, letting him pull them down her legs. He went up, placing quick kisses on her knee and her thigh. Then slipped his fingers beneath her lace panties, tugging on them and she raised her hips again.

When she was completely naked, he placed his hands on her waist and moved up her body. He brought his mouth to hers, tugging her lower lip between his and sucking, eliciting a low moan from her. His hands slid to her hips and then to her legs, caressing the sensitive skin of her inner thighs.

''Mac...'' Jo broke the kiss with a whimper and he knew exactly what she wanted. He lay next to her, on his side. One of his hands traveled higher and his fingers touched her. She was feminine soft and very hot. And so ready for him. He started to caress her, relishing in the feeling of her and she threw her head back in complete bliss.

Mac looked at her again. Her eyes were closed and her lips slightly parted. She was completely lost into the sensation. But he couldn't help himself, he wanted to hear her, too.

''Does it feel good?'' He asked with a light smile and he gently encircled her bud with just the pad of his finger, indicating what he meant by 'it'.

''Oh yeees...'' Jo moaned breathlessly. ''Sooo... good...''

He repeated his action and her hips bucked against his hand, increasing the pressure and making her shudder with excitement. He kissed her neck once more, sensing her pulse becoming more erratic with every second. Jo whimpered and then involuntarily clenched her thighs together, trapping his hand, letting him know how badly she wanted him. He brought his lips to hers and she opened her mouth for him before their lips even met. The kiss couldn't last as long as they wished, as soon she was forced to break it by the need of air.

''Jo, baby...'' Mac whispered close to her ear. ''Let it go... I want to watch you... To see how beautiful you look when you climax.''

She rocked her hips, trying to intensify the feeling. He kept his caress agonizingly steady, building her pleasure gradually. And when she thought she wouldn't take it anymore, she tipped over the edge, swirling down into the shattering pleasure of her orgasm. Her back arched off the bed and she made a strange sound, something between a sob and a moan. He lightened his touch, but kept caressing her, intending to prolong her bliss. Finally her body sunk down to the mattress, completely relaxed.

Mac pulled her into his arms and held her close, waiting for her heartbeat to slow down and her breathing to get back to normal. She sighed softly and looked at him, her eyes still a little hazy. He smiled lightly at her and kissed her hair. She looked satisfied and so calm.

''You OK?'' Mac whispered.

''Mhm.'' She murmured and closed her eyes again for a moment. He stayed quiet, simply enjoying her afterglow.

''This was amazing. Thank you.'' Jo whispered after a couple of minutes, looking at him. Then she kissed his jaw, placing her hands on his sides and enjoying the heat of his body.

''I'm not done with you yet.'' Mac whispered seductively.

''I hope not.'' Jo whispered back. ''Because I still want you.'' She kissed him passionately and deeply. Her hand dropped lower and she placed it on his erection, stroking him slowly through his trousers. He placed his hand over her, stopping her.

''Umm, Jo... wait a moment.'' She gave him a questioning look. ''What about protection?'' He asked.

''I'm on the pill.'' She answered.

''But if you want me to...''

''No, I trust you.'' She cut him off.

''OK.'' Mac whispered and kissed her lips lightly. She moved her hand up, to his belt and started to undo it, but she couldn't quite do it with only her one hand. She moaned with irritation into the kiss and Mac pulled away, standing up. She propped herself up on her elbows watching him as he stripped himself of his trousers. Then he pushed his boxers down over his hips, letting them fall to the floor. Her eyes dropped down and he felt himself getting even harder under her gaze. She grazed her bottom lip with her teeth. He was able to see how her chest started to raise and fall faster, her breathing noticeably labored. She looked up, meeting his eyes and she reached out her hand towards him. He caught it, but instead of positioning himself on top of her, he pulled her hand gently.

''Come here.'' He said and she rose to a standing position. He slightly pushed her back, then he brought his hands to her hips and before she even realized what was happening, he lifted her easily and sat her on top of the chest of drawers. She gasped and he looked at her, raising his eyebrow.

''It's cold.'' Jo said and he smirked.

''It feels cold, because you're hot.'' He whispered in a low voice. ''So damn hot.'' He lowered his head and placed a trail of kisses along the side of her neck. At the same time he gently spread her legs apart and stepped between them. The heat rolling off her body was driving him insane.

She reached out and touched him, running her hand along his length. Just like he had dreamed. Her delicate fingers fondling him so tenderly. At the same time she placed an open-mouth kiss on his neck, nipping on his skin with her lips. He let out a throaty moan and she could feel how much it was turning him on, so she gave him two hot bites to the neck. He jerked his hips into her touch and she smiled. There was something utterly exciting about being able to make this sedate and composed man lose his control at least a little bit.

She was driving him crazy with desire. He not only wanted her. He needed her. All of her. He stopped her hand, looked at her and whispered breathlessly:

''Jo... I need...''

''Please.'' She purred into his ear and moved her hand to his hip, indicating wordlessly what she meant.

When she felt him move into her she held her breath, preparing herself for this tearing pain she knew so well. But nothing like that happened. He slowly pushed forward and Jo marveled at the feeling of her body molding easily around him, like it was made for him. His eyes were on hers and she knew very well what his questioning look meant. She brought her hand to his face and stroked his cheek, letting him know she was fine. He smiled and turned his head, kissing the inside of her palm. Her hand dropped to his shoulder when she felt him moving, his thrusts slow and full of care. It was like the most delicious caress of the inside of her body and she moaned quietly at the thought. She felt again this wonderful swirling sensation in the pit of her stomach and she instinctively arched herself into him, wanting to be closer. His hands were on her waist, supporting her back and his lips kept nibbling on her collarbone. She wrapped her legs around his waist and with a next thrust he moved deeper, causing another moan of delight to slip past her lips.

''Mmmm. Mac...''

He could feel her hands drawing random patterns on his back, her fingernails gently scraping his skin. Her lips desperately sought his, so he kissed her deeply, swallowing her sighs. His movements became more rapid, his hands were frantically moving across her body like he couldn't get enough of her and she knew his control was slipping. He moved his hands from her waist to her buttocks, lifting her slightly and pulling her closer to him, grinding her pelvis against his.

''Oh, God...'' Jo moaned, tossing her head back and feeling her body struggling for release. His movements were creating the most delicious friction, pulling her closer and closer to the edge. Mac kissed the column of her throat, gently and lovingly, then he tug sweetly on her earlobe.

''Jo, baby... again...'' He panted. ''Come... again...''

Her world shrunk to him. To his touch and to his voice. She couldn't feel anything else, not a single thought occupied her mind. There was no fear, no pain. Only him. Suddenly all sensation was drowned by the hot and sharp wave of pleasure that washed through her violently and so sweetly, she didn't want it ever to end. Her whole body arched hard into him and then started to spasm, pulling him as close as humanly possible, making him fall over the edge as well. She locked her arms around his back, holding him tight. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and she could feel his lips on her skin as he tried to muffle his own groans of pleasure.

And then there was this overwhelming peace. No sorrow, no regret. Only him. His deep breaths, against her skin, the strong and fast beating of his heart against her chest and his arms that were keeping her safe. She closed her eyes and breathed in his smell, feeling restful and calm.

He closed his eyes and placed his hands flat on the wall behind her, leaning over her, as he suddenly felt weak. She looked at his face, seeing how soft his features were. He seemed completely consumed by what had just happened and she felt a warm glow inside her chest. He gave up his strength and turned it into her pleasure, his gentleness into her comfort. She never felt so loved in her entire life. She wanted to tell him that, but she couldn't form any words. Instead she kissed his face, his neck, his shoulder. Anywhere she could reach.

Finally he found the strength to pick her up and move to the bed. He gently eased her on the mattress and lay down next to her. She turned to her side, cuddling her face against his chest and he put his arm around her. They stayed like that for a longer moment, until he felt something wet on his chest, like a water drop had fallen on it. He slightly pulled back and looked at her, seeing a wet trace on her cheek and another tear rolling down.

''Jo...?'' Mac whispered, slightly concerned.

''I'm fine.'' She whispered back, grazing his cheek softly with her hand. She swallowed hard. ''I was so terrified I wouldn't be able to enjoy it ever again.'' She added with a trembling voice. He didn't say anything, only cuddled her against his chest and rocked her lightly in his arms like a baby. ''Thank you.'' Jo whispered. ''For being so patient and gentle.'' She looked up at him and he wiped away the tears from her cheeks with his thumb.

''I can't imagine another way with someone who you...'' He stopped abruptly, not sure how she would react. Her heart dropped to her stomach. She was dying to hear him say that, yet he didn't. She took a deep breath.

''With someone who you love.'' Jo finished for him, looking directly into his eyes. She was able to see how his orbs changed – they were brighter and even more blue than usual, shining with happiness. He leaned closer and captured her lips. And in his kiss there was all the love that he hadn't expressed in words.

. . .

**A/N First of all, thank you very very very much for all the lovely reviews you posted for the last chapter. I'm really happy that you liked it, despite it had fought back at every step.**

**So the next chapter is up a little sooner, as I made myself a little vacation and escaped the city for a couple of days. It would be the good moment to change the rating of the story, but it's already rated 'M'... Oh, well...**

**Again, thanks to UrbanMuse the chapter is readable and there are no glaring mistakes. But I have to say it - it's so much more than correcting those, it's actually the most pleasurable way to study the language I could come up with. And it's even better when done with someone who has such a great patience and is able to encourage to try harder. Thank you very much for that!**

**As always I would really appreciate all your comments – bad, good, just all of them.**

**I think the love scene should be dedicated to Tlh45, as there was a Nike slogan ('Just do it!') resounding through her reviews ;) So look, they just did ;)**


	12. what have we found?

. . .

Jo was lying on her stomach, with her both hands under the pillow and her cheek pressed into it. Mac glanced at the clock. It was slightly after 9 am. He had been watching her for almost 2 hours now. He wanted to wake her up at that very moment when he had opened his eyes. But he just didn't have the heart to do it. He had kept her up for half of the night, until she had fallen asleep in his arms for good, being completely exhausted. He felt a little bit guilty about that, but he just couldn't get enough of her, finally being able to be as close to her as he had always dreamed of.

He carefully ran his hand over her bare shoulder, enjoying how her silky skin felt against his fingers. Then he sighed. It wasn't enough. He wanted to hear her voice, see her smile, look into her eyes. He needed to wake her up. Being slightly concerned that she would be grumpy because of it, he decided to do it in some pleasant way. And also use this opportunity to fulfill another one of his fantasies.

He leaned over her and kissed her back, starting from the top, between her shoulder blades. He slowly moved down, trailing her spine with his lips, tugging on the sheet to reveal more of her naked skin. Being only half way through, he felt her stir. She sighed happily and turned her head, looking at him.

''What exactly are you doing?'' Jo asked with a still sleepy voice, but he was able to catch a hint of amusement in it.

''Waking... you... up...'' Mac murmured between kisses.

''Are you fed up with your life?'' She asked in a playful tone, turning around. ''Do you want to lose it?''

''Good morning to you too, sunshine.'' Mac joked, kissing her on the lips and pulling back too quickly for Jo's taste. She groaned in protest and pushed him back by his shoulders, making him lie flat on his back and climbing on top of him. He smirked, wanting to make some comment on that, but he got distracted by the sheet that slipped down her body, revealing her breasts to his gaze.

''More.'' She ordered and lowered her head, pressing her soft body against his.

''Look, who's getting bossy.'' Mac teased before she captured his lips in a long, lazy kiss. He felt his arousal awakening and he was sure, she could feel it too, as she broke the kiss and cast him a sexy smile. He raised his hands, wanting to touch her beautiful body, but Jo was quicker. She gripped his forearms and pinned them down to the mattress at his sides, shaking her head. She leaned towards him again and teased his skin with her hot breath.

''You're at my mercy now.'' Jo whispered, caressing his earlobe with her lips. ''What should I do to you?'' She murmured. Then she brought her mouth to his neck. ''So many options...'' She added, leaving a trail of wet kisses. Her body deliciously ground against his as she moved down, the friction of her nipples against his chest sent jolts of pleasure straight to his groin. She pressed her lips to his chest, enjoying the feel of his hard muscle. Mac raised his head, wanting not only to feel, but also to see what she was doing. Looking into his eyes, she ran her tongue in long, soft lick over his nipple, which made his head fall back on the pillow with a groan. Jo only smirked and moved lower, kissing his abs, relishing in the quiver of his body caused by her caress. He had an idea where she was heading and even thinking of it made him shiver with excitement.

''Mom! What the hell?!'' Jo almost jumped out of her skin at the sudden cry. She rolled from Mac and covered herself with the sheet.

''Tyler? What are you doing here?!'' She asked surprised.

''Me?! What is he doing here?'' Tyler shouted, pointing at Mac. ''I can't believe you're screwing the guy who beat up Dad!''

''Tyler!'' Jo gasped in shock. ''Watch your mouth!''

But he just turned on his heel and left the bedroom.

''Tyler! Wait!'' Jo yelled after him, quickly rising from the bed and wrapping herself tightly in the sheet. ''Damn it!'' She cursed.

He was already beside the door, putting on his jacket.

''Tyler, wait! Let me explain.'' She said.

''Explain what? Everything is pretty clear!''

''No, it's not. I don't know what your father told you, but I want you to listen to my version of the story...'' Jo started, but he cut her off.

''He told me that he wanted you two to get back together, but you didn't agree. Then he came to see you again, but he didn't even get a chance to talk to you, as your new guy turned his face into raw meat!''

''That's not what happened!'' Jo cried out in frustration. Then she took a deep breath and started again, more calmly. ''Tyler, your dad... did something bad to me. Really nasty.'' She hesitated for a moment, trying to find any possible way of telling her son what Russ had done to her.

''He only wanted you two to be together!'' Tyler cried out. ''Can't you see it? He still loves you! And you treat him like shit!''

''That's not true and you know it...'' Jo said, but it didn't stop him.

''You dumped him just like that, because your career was more important. It was always only about your job! Not about me, not about him!'' Jo felt tears gathering in her eyes. His every word hurt like being stabbed with a knife. ''And I can see nothing has changed, your job still comes first.'' He cast her a look full of anger and added: ''You're even screwing your boss!''

That was too much. Jo swallowed back her tears and yelled at him as loud as she could:

''Would you shut up and listen to me?!''

''No!'' Tyler yelled back, looking at her coldly. ''I don't want to listen to you. And I don't want to see you ever again.'' He said firmly. He pulled the keys out from his pocket and threw them on the couch. ''Here, I won't need them anymore.'' And before she could stop him, he left her apartment, slamming the door behind him, making her shudder at the sound.

Jo sunk into the couch, shaking from emotions. It took only a moment for Mac to show up by her side. She barely noticed he was already dressed.

''Jo... I'm so sorry.'' Mac said.

''I'm so fed up with this!'' Jo cried out in desperation. ''Russ managed to destroy everything! Whenever I manage to rebuild something, something else falls apart.'' She took a sharp breath. ''I've just sorted out things with Ellie. So now it's Tyler who hates me.'' She added tearfully.

''Jo, he doesn't hate you.'' Mac said in a soft voice, trying to calm her down.

''He said he didn't want to see me again!'' She cried out and brought her hands to her face.

''He didn't mean it.'' Mac said, touching her arm gently. ''He was upset.''

Much to his surprise she gustily rose from the couch, moving away from him.

''Mac... I need to be alone right now.'' She said in a shaky voice, not looking at him. ''Could you please... leave?''

''No.'' Mac stated firmly, approaching her.

''I want you... to leave...'' Jo repeated.

''I'm not leaving.'' Mac said, pulling her into his arms. She placed her palms flat on his chest and for a moment he thought she was going to push him away.

''Mac, I have to be alone right now!''

''And I have to be with you.'' He said, holding her close, feeling how tensed she was. ''You've been alone for far too long.'' He whispered. He let out a sigh of relief when he felt how she finally clung to him, putting both her arms around his back.

. . .

Although Mac didn't plan on doing any work today, the pile of papers that he had brought with him from the department last night came in handy, as at least he had something to keep him busy. It was slightly after noon when Ellie came back home after the slumber party.

''Oh, hi there, Mac!'' She greeted him, disappearing in the kitchen. She returned quickly with a can of soda and sat next to him. ''You want some?''

''No, thank you, Ellie.''

''What are you doing?'' She asked, looking at the papers spread in front of him.

''Filling in some reports.''

''Oh, the boring stuff. Mom hates doing it.'' Ellie said and Mac smirked. Then he glanced at her as she took a sip and started to hiccup.

''Ooops, sorry...'' She said, but it didn't stop. He took the can from her and placed it on the table.

''Take a deep breath.'' He told her and she complied. ''And now hold it like that.'' He said, pinching his nose with his fingers and covering his mouth with his hand. Ellie did the same. After a minute she cast him a tentative glance, but she kept holding her breath. Mac smiled lightly.

''OK.'' He said and she lowered her hand, breathing in deeply. ''Is it gone?''

She waited for a moment and then smiled: ''It is. Thanks!''

''No problem.'' He answered and went back to filling in the reports.

''Where's mom?'' Ellie asked.

''She's lying down.''

''She doesn't feel well?''

''I guess she's tired.'' Mac answered, not being sure about sharing with Ellie what had happened in the morning.

''Tired, huh?'' Ellie teased. ''What did you guys do the whole night?''

Mac glanced at her. It was hard to hide his smirk when he saw her huge grin, but somehow he managed. She made a funny face, moving her eyebrows up and down, but as she didn't get any reaction from him, she frowned. ''Eee. You're no fun. It's not working on you.'' She told him with disappointment. ''Mom usually blushes like crazy.'' She added and this time he couldn't keep the corner of his mouth from going up. Ellie was right, indeed. And he had to admit he just loved how beautiful Jo looked when she was blushing. It always made him want to kiss her cheeks and check if her skin tasted as delicious as it looked.

''I'll be in my room.'' Ellie said, snapping him out of his dreamy state.

''OK.'' He said.

It wasn't long before he heard Jo's voice in the bedroom. It seemed she was talking to someone on the phone, but he couldn't make out any words. Then there was silence for a moment and after that she came out from the room. Mac looked at her and smiled lightly.

''How do you feel?'' He asked.

''Good.'' She answered, somehow absentmindedly. ''Listen, Mac... I have to talk to him.''

''To Tyler?'' Mac asked, still looking at her, but she avoided his gaze.

''To Russ...'' She answered quietly.

''Oh, no.'' He protested immediately. ''It's out of the question. I won't let you do that.'' He said sturdily.

''Excuse me?'' Jo asked, with clear annoyance in her voice. Mac sighed, being more than aware that his choice of words was rather poor. But before he had a chance to correct himself, she snapped at him: ''And just what do you think puts you in the position to do that? Because what happened last night certainly doesn't!''

Mac knew she was upset and she didn't really mean what she just said. Yet her words hurt him.

But he decided to push his feelings aside for a moment and tried to come up with some solution first. He stood in front of her, placing his hands on her shoulder and making her look at him.

''That's not what I meant.'' He said firmly. ''I don't want you to go anywhere near that bastard, because I can't bear the thought he could hurt you again.'' He looked into her eyes, but he didn't see any sign of understanding. She already had made the decision.

''Mac, I have to. I won't be able to solve this whole mess with Tyler if I don't.''

''You somehow managed to straighten up things with Ellie without talking to Russ.'' Mac noted. She glanced at him and sighed, then moved away and sat on the couch.

''There is a huge difference between Ellie and Tyler. In case you have forgotten, Russ is Tyler's dad. Ellie never liked him, but Tyler always had a very close relationship with him.'' She said, brushing her hair from her forehead in a nervous gesture. ''To be honest, Tyler always looked up to Russ more than to me. He listened to whatever Russ said, while I had to struggle with him at every step.''

''I didn't know that.'' Mac admitted. ''It seemed to me that you got along pretty well.''

''Yeah, we do now. Because he's in collage. But before that it was much more complicated.'' Jo hung her head low and nailed her eyes on her hands, her fingers laced together. ''I think he blamed me and only me for the divorce and he always had hope that me and Russ would get back together.'' She added much more quietly.

''So let me come with you.'' Mac offered sitting next to her, turning towards her. ''I have to make sure you're safe.'' He tried to find some compromise, but she just shook her head without looking at him.

''Russ won't even talk to me in your presence.'' Jo said. ''I have to do it on my own.'' She stated firmly.

Mac sighed. He couldn't fight the impression he was unneeded. He tried to reach her, but she just kept slipping out of his hands.

''Jo, he can easily hurt you again. Hit you, rape you, even...''

''Stop scaring me!'' She cried out suddenly. He looked at her, shocked, as he didn't expect such a reaction from her. She seemed really shaken up even by the smallest reference to what had happened.

''I'm not trying to scare you.'' Mac said in a soft voice. ''But it really bothers me that you want to put yourself in danger like that.'' She wanted to say something, but he didn't let her interrupt. ''You think what happened to you didn't affect me?'' He asked, remembering how hurt, upset and insecure she was and how angry and hopeless it made him feel. ''Or maybe you think I just used this as an opportunity to get into your pants?'' He added, genuinely surprised by how angry he had sounded.

''I certainly don't think so!'' Jo protested without hesitation.

''Good!'' He spat out. ''You want to know what was the most important thing about last night was for me? Here comes the surprise – it wasn't sex.'' She looked at him, intrigued and he took a deep breath trying to calm himself down. ''You fell asleep wrapped in my arms and when I woke up – you were still by my side. You didn't move to the edge of the bed, like you used to. Still trying to escape from him, even though he wasn't here anymore. And you didn't end up curled up into a ball like a scared little animal.'' He held her gaze, seeing how she swallowed hard. ''You felt safe and comfortable again. And I just hate that you want to give this up and put yourself into that nightmare once more.''

''I don't.'' Jo said and looked away, but before she did it, he was able to see how her eyes became shiny with tears. She squeezed her eyes shut in a desperate attempt to stop herself from crying, but one rebellious tear escaped from beneath her eyelid. She quickly wiped it away with the back of her hand and took a deep breath. ''I just can't see any other solution. Tyler has to know the truth, but he won't believe me. He has to hear it from Russ.'' She added.

''Do you really think you can convince Russ to tell him the truth?'' Mac asked doubtfully.

''I don't know.'' Jo sighed. ''If not that, then maybe at least Russ could try to reason with him, telling him he shouldn't treat me like that.'' She finally looked up and held his gaze. He saw something in her eyes that he knew very well already. Desperation. And this damn stubbornness. He knew that no matter what he said, no matter what did, she was going to do this anyway.

''I still don't like this idea.'' He complained.

Jo sighed deeply and crossed her arms on her chest. ''Mac, sorry to tell you this, but it isn't really about you. And it isn't about me either. It's about Tyler. I just have to try to makes things better with him.''

''By any means?'' He asked, although he already knew what her answer would be. Jo sighed again and looked away.

''Mac, I will always put Ellie and Tyler first. Before myself and before... anybody else.'' She glanced at him, but his expression was unreadable. ''I just want to be honest with you, because if you can't accept it, then...'' She hesitated.

''Then 'that's it', huh?'' Mac finished for her.

''Yeah... that's it.'' She admitted sadly.

. . .

Mac stood in front of the door, just about to knock, but he hesitated. He felt torn. He didn't want to be pushed away again. Like yesterday, when Jo actually told him she intended to solve her problems by herself. The message that she had sent was very clear – she didn't need him. And what hurt even more was how little credit she actually gave him. She seemed to be sure that he would have a problem with her kids being the priority for her. She just assumed it had to be like that, even though he had never given her a reason to think like that.

But all this was actually nothing in comparison to the fact that he just couldn't let her deal with all this by herself. He could easily count those moments in his life when he had been afraid. But being scared for someone else was so much worse, making him feel so hopeless. He sighed deeply.

He thought about Claire. He had loved her very much, so of course he had been worried about her, not once and not twice. But he hadn't thought about it every minute, he hadn't played in his mind dark scenarios, imagining all bad things that could happen to her. That day, when he had kissed her goodbye it hadn't even crossed his mind he was doing it for the last time. He hadn't been thinking he could lose her until he had. He knew he could do nothing to save her, it hadn't been in his power. But the thought he had taken every day with her for granted was eating him alive. He had been so sure about tomorrow, about that she would fall asleep in his arms and wake up by his side.

Now he wasn't sure about anything. Only that he was terrified. Terrified that Jo would be taken away from him. He would do everything to protect her, to eliminate any risk of her getting hurt. But his everything meant nothing to her.

He was just about to knock on her door when it suddenly flew open and Jo almost crashed into him. She gasped, as she didn't expect anyone to be standing just behind her door.

''What are you doing here?'' She asked, a small smile playing on her lips.

''I want to drive you to...'' Mac's voice cracked and he had to clear his throat. ''… to his place.'' He said and her smile faded away.

''Mac, I told you I have to deal with it on my own. If you come with me to Russ' you two will end up fighting for sure.''

''I know what you said.'' He uttered gloomily. ''I will wait for you in the car, in front of his building. If that's the closest I can get...'' He added in a murmur. He was sure she would object to that, telling him that he was just ridiculous, that he wouldn't help her anyway. But instead she raised her hand and placed it on his cheek, her thumb gently brushed his skin.

''My God... Where the hell did you come from?'' She whispered, her face looking like she was just about to start crying. He furrowed his eyebrows, thinking that the answer 'straight from my apartment' wasn't probably the right one, but he wasn't quite sure what exactly she was asking about. She shook her head slightly, then smiled. ''Come on, I told him I'd meet him before he leaves for work and he starts at 9.''

. . .

Jo got in the car and leaned back in her seat, crossing her arms in front of her. Mac didn't even have to ask about the result of her conversation with Russ.

''He's just the biggest jerk I know. Honestly.'' Jo spat out. Mac didn't say anything, so she glanced at him. ''You did know it would do nothing, didn't you?'' She murmured angrily, but he knew she was more angry at herself, than at him. ''I guess it makes me the most naive person in the world.'' She added.

''It's hard to stop believing in someone you used to love.'' Mac said calmly.

''Yeah.'' Jo agreed, putting her left hand over her right wrist and wincing a little.

''Did he grab you?!'' Mac asked, frowning. She cast him a confused glance, then she followed his gaze and realized what he meant.

''No... I just pulled the car door open with too much force.'' She said, still rubbing her wrist.

''You should be more careful.'' Mac said softly. Jo looked at him and saw how concerned he was. Her features soften instantly and she tilted her head left, smiling warmly at him.

''Mac, I'm fine. You can stop worrying.''

Mac turned in his seat, facing her.

''I'm not sure.'' He murmured.

''Hmm?''

''I think I have to check myself.'' He added with a smirk, bringing his hands to her waist and pulling her slightly towards him. He brushed her hair off her neck with his nose and placed a soft kiss there, moving slowly to her ear.

''Mac...'' Jo sighed happily, placing her hand on the back of his head and caressing him with her fingernails.

''On first sight everything seems to be fine.'' Mac said, pulling away and looking at her seriously. ''But I think you need some further, more detailed examination.''

''Oh.'' She tried not to smile, but she was unable. ''When exactly?'' She asked, playing with the button of his shirt.

''Later tonight. After work. At my place. Or at yours''

''I'll take your word for it.'' Jo whispered and he smiled. He gave her a quick kiss on her lips and started the engine, driving away.

''I'm going to meet Don at the precinct. It shouldn't take long, but I can drop you off in front of the lab if you want.''

''I can go with you.'' Jo told him, looking through the window.

''OK.''

They stopped for the lights and Mac took a closer look at her. She was unusually quiet and he knew she was distressed. He tried to come up with some comforting line, but before he had a chance to say anything, she glanced through the windshield and let out a sigh of annoyance. The light had already turned green, but the car in front of them didn't move.

''Mooooove!'' Jo moaned. ''It won't get any greener!''

Mac looked at her and laughed.

''You know he can't hear you, right?'' He asked and she leaned towards him, slamming the car horn.

''He can now.''

''Jo!'' Mac gasped, half amused and half shocked. Finally the car in front of them moved and they followed it. They didn't even manage to go through the crossing when Mac's phone started to ring.

''We're on our way.'' Mac said, without even checking who was calling. ''We're got caught in a traffic jam.''

''Who's 'we'?'' Don asked.

''I'm with Jo.'' Mac answered and Jo couldn't help but notice how easily he said it. Like they had been driving together to work every morning for last ten years.

''Oh, cool. So detective Danville finally got bored on her vacation and decided to do some work?'' Don joked. Mac glanced at Jo and rolled his eyes.

''Yeah, seems so.'' He murmured.

''How much longer will it take you to get here? Will I manage to grab something for breakfast from around the corner?''

''At least 10 minutes, you can go.'' Mac told him.

''Do you want something, guys?''

''Actually... Yeah. Onion bagel for me and... vanilla doughnut for Jo.'' He glanced at her and she nodded, letting him know it was fine.

''With colorful sprinkles?'' Flack asked in a playful tone.

''Without!'' They answered together.

''OK.'' Don chuckled. ''See you guys there.''

He hung up and Jo cast Mac a suspicious glance.

''What exactly did you tell them about my absence from work?'' She asked.

''I told them that you injured your wrist.''

''How?''

''You fell down from the chair, that you climbed on trying to grab a box of cookies that was placed on the highest shelf.'' He explained.

''What?'' Jo started to laugh, but he remained serious. ''You're kidding, right?''

''No.''

''Mac!'' She complained in a high voice. ''At least you could come up with something believable!''

''Yeah? And that isn't?'' He replied with a smirk and earned a playful smack to the arm for that.

There was no parking space in front of the precinct, so Mac drove down the street and parked at the first free spot he saw. Jo got out of the car and glanced at the shop in front of her. It was the same jewelery shop they had been to when Mac was buying an engagement ring for Christine. For a moment Jo stared blindly at the signboard, thinking how much had happened since that day. She felt Mac catching her left hand and pulling her gently.

''Come on, Don is probably waiting for us already.''

He led her through the crowd, still holding her hand.

''I meant to ask you this a while ago...'' Jo said, trying to keep up with him.

''Yeah?'' He murmured.

''What did Christine think about the ring? Did she like it?'' Jo asked, just being curious.

''She did.'' Mac admitted. ''She instantly figured out that I didn't choose it on my own and that you were the one to help me.''

''Really?'' Jo smiled. ''Did she keep it?''

''No.'' He shook his head. ''I wanted her to, but she said she couldn't do that.''

''Oh, I see... So you still have it?'' She asked.

''No, I...'' He hesitated for a moment. ''I returned it to the shop the very next day I was rejected.''

''Well... at least it didn't wreak havoc on your finances.'' She smiled lightly at him. He released her hand and held the door open for her.

''Yeah, you can say that.'' He murmured, placing his hand on the small of her back, guiding her inside. She smiled ever so slightly. He had always done that, from the very first day they started to work together. And she had thought it was his usual gesture – just acting as the gentleman he undoubtedly was. But now it was so much more meaningful. Like being taken care of by him, like depending on him and trusting him. Like being his.

Jo turned her head and looked up at Mac, still smiling unconsciously. He was scanning the hall, trying to spot Flack, but somehow he sensed her gaze and looked at her.

''What?'' He asked, reciprocating her smile without even thinking.

''Nothing.'' She shook her head quickly, like she was trying to get rid of this soft expression of lovingness from her face. He furrowed his eyebrows slightly, not being quite sure what had just happened. Then he looked ahead again and said:

''Oh look, there he is.''

. . .

''Are you sure there are no CCTV cameras in the elevator?'' Jo asked again and squinted her eyes in delight feeling him nuzzling her hair behind her ear. He breathed in deeply, enjoying her smell.

''I'm sure. I'd be the first one to know about it.'' She giggled and he pulled away, looking at her. ''What's so funny about that?''

''It tickles.'' She told him.

''Here?'' Mac asked, skimming his fingers across her bare skin, under her top, just above the waistline of her jeans, where his hand was placed. She giggled again and placed her hand over his, stopping it.

''Yea, here.'' She said.

''So it seems I don't know all of your ticklish spots yet, huh?''

''You have to study harder.'' She said with a wink.

''Oh, you bet I will.''

The ping of the elevator made them move away from each other and stand straight, facing the door. They both sighed simultaneously and Jo almost laughed thinking how truly ridiculous the situation was. They got off the elevator and walked across the hall, towards Mac's office. Being just in front of it Jo stopped and said:

''Don't you think I should go to my office?''

''Probably.'' Mac said, slightly amused.

''OK, see ya.'' Jo said, turning away from him, intending to go down the hall.

''Hey.'' He stopped her.

''Yeah?'' She turned back to him. Mac leaned slightly closer and, keeping completely serious and professional, he whispered:

''Missing you already.''

Jo smiled sheepishly at him, then she realized how silly she must look and gasped. She pouted her lips and whispered back:

''Don't do that. I'm not as good as you at holding a poker face.'' The corner of his mouth barely twitched up when he heard that. She groaned, turned and walked away. He watched her for a second, then moved to the office door. He was pulling it open, when he heard a voice:

''Oh, J.D.! My prayers were answered! The heavens must have sent you!''

Mac couldn't help but roll his eyes, hearing such nonsense. He was just about to close the door behind himself, but he froze at his favorite sound.

''What's up Adam?'' Jo asked with laughter, making Mac smile.

''I really could use some help with putting together the documents that were run through a paper shredder.''

''Sounds like fun.'' Jo said, laughing even more. ''Come on.'' She added and there was only silence. Mac closed the door to his office and walked to his desk. A smile still wandered over his lips.

. . .

''Yes... of course... Yes, I'll keep you posted.'' Mac said, toying mindlessly with the paperweight. ''OK... So see you there.'' He finally hung up and glanced at his schedule. Next point – budget meeting with Sinclair. In 40 minutes. He sighed. It was almost 2 pm. Which meant he hadn't seen Jo for 3 hours and 37 minutes. But it didn't stop him from thinking about her every 2 minutes. He felt like had been drugged. And there was something oddly familiar yet very strange about the feeling. It used to be like that with Claire. From the moment he had met her, to their last day together. 12 wonderful years. But then, it was such a long time ago, it felt more like a dream to him now. He had given up his hope, not believing he would ever feel like that again. And there it was, completely out of the blue, this silly feeling of being deliriously happy.

He glanced again through the glass door and saw Jo sashaying across the hall, her red mug in her hand. He blinked a few times, thinking that maybe it was just his mind, going crazy without her presence and feeding itself with hallucinations. But no, there she was, for real.

Jo looked inside Mac's office as she walked by and their eyes met. She quickly looked away, somehow embarrassed that he caught her glancing at him, but after a moment she looked at him again and smiled lightly before disappearing around the corner.

Mac made one more quick call and then he couldn't fight the temptation to follow her. He easily found her in the kitchen annex. She was waiting for her coffee to be ready, humming something quietly. He stood next to her, a little closer than he usually had.

''Hi.'' She greeted him without looking at him, her eyes fixed on the coffee maker.

''You know that it takes longer when you stare at it?'' He joked and she smiled. She looked at him and only then the coffee maker beeped, signalizing that her coffee was ready. ''See?'' He said with a chuckle.

''You want some?''

''No, thanks.'' He watched her as she turned around, leaned back on the counter and took a sip. ''Mid-day crisis?'' He asked.

''Yeah. I'd kill for something sweet right now.''

''I'd kiss you, but I'm a little bit afraid of being caught in flagranti.'' Mac whispered.

''That's cute.'' Jo smiled at him. ''But I rather had something chocolate covered in mind.'' He made a mock sad face and her smile grew. ''There isn't any in the vending machine.'' She complained. Mac glanced at her, amused, as it seemed she actually had checked it already.

''How come? It was stocked like... two weeks ago?''

''Well, don't look at me.'' Jo snorted. ''I wasn't even here.''

''Is it totally empty?'' He asked in disbelief.

''Only some granola bars left. As nobody likes them.''

''I like them!'' Mac protested. ''And some of them are covered with chocolate.'' He added in a tempting voice, but she seemed unaffected.

''Only on one side and it's quite impossible to scrape it off.''

''I can see you've been carrying out some serious research on that field.'' He noted with laughter.

''Well, I am a scientist after all, aren't I?'' Jo asked with a smirk and he laughed even more.

She truly enjoyed seeing this side of him. And it was just ridiculous how happy he was making her feel by simply being by her side. If it was up to her, she wouldn't spend even one minute away from him.

She thought about their earlier conversation. There was still one thing that was bothering her.

''Uhm... listen...'' She started. ''I'm sorry for what I said. About always putting my kids first. Even before you.''

''You shouldn't be sorry abut telling the truth, Jo'' Mac stated, looking directly in her eyes.

''Yeah. But you have to know, it doesn't mean that you're not important.''

''But your kids will always be more important.'' He said and she studied him. She expected him to say something like that rebukingly, being hurt or angry about that. But he seemed to be perfectly fine with it.

''Well... yes.'' She admitted. Then she sighed, deciding to be honest with him. ''It's the strangest and... the strongest feeling I know. Like your heart was no longer inside your body, but... outside.'' She whispered. ''It's like agreeing to sacrifice just anything for someone else. I know it's hard to understand, because you...'' She stopped as quickly as she started.

''Because I don't have any children of my own?'' Mac asked looking directly into her eyes, his expression unreadable.

''I didn't mean to sound so harsh.'' Jo said apologetically.

''I might not know how it is to be a father, but I know the feeling very well. Willing to go to hell and back just to make another person happy.'' Mac said looking directly into her eyes, his gaze so intense she stopped breathing for a moment. She felt like her heart was throbbing in her throat at the thought that maybe... there was a possibility... the really tiny one, but still... that he meant... _her_? But the last word was violently silenced by her mind, which screamed that he for sure meant Claire. She was the love of his live.

''Then you know how it is – to always put someone else before yourself.'' Jo said and he nodded. ''And I don't think I can't change it.'' She added like she wanted to explain herself.

''Jo, I'm not asking you to change it.'' Mac assured her. ''You're a mother and that's what mothers do.'' He said in a much softer voice. ''It didn't even cross my mind it could be different. That's a part of who you are. And that's the part of you I adore as well.'' He added more quietly, moving closer to her. ''Actually I think I adore everything about you.'' He said, tugging a strand of her hair behind her ear. ''Well, maybe not that you blast the car horn when I'm driving.'' He joked and she laughed.

''I promise it won't happen again.''

''Good.''

Then she looked at him with the softness in her gaze she couldn't hide anymore and slowly brought her hand up, wanting to caress his cheek and tell him how much he meant to her. But before she did that, Sheldon entered the room, so she ended up brushing some non-existent dust off Mac's shoulder.

. . .

The day at work had never dragged on so much for Jo. And to make things even worse, she suddenly started to feel quite unwell. She splashed her face with cold water and looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. She didn't look any different than usual, maybe a little paler, but she felt dizzy and nauseous. She sighed deeply and left the bathroom, heading back to the office.

''Jo, you OK?'' Lindsay asked, when Jo entered the room. ''You look really pale.''

''I'm not sure... I feel terribly nauseous, I can't keep any food in my stomach.'' Jo said, falling to the chair and placing her hands flat on her tummy.

''Maybe it's a stomach flu? Do you have a fever?'' Lindsay asked watching her carefully from across the desk.

''I don't think so... It looks more like a food poisoning.'' Jo moaned. ''I hope Ellie's doing fine, as we ate pretty much the same last night.'' She said, glancing at her phone, but there were no massages, neither from Ellie, nor from her school.

''Did you cook?'' Lindsay asked half joking, half serious.

''No...'' Jo denied, pouting her lips. ''We ordered some Thai food.'' She said, wincing at the thought.

''Oh, Thai food! Last time I had it I was sick as a dog for the whole day...'' Lindsay recalled. ''But it turned out it wasn't at all because of the food, but... because of Lucy.'' She smiled like she always did, mentioning her daughter's name. ''And it lasted for three long months.'' She added.

''Oh my...'' Jo gasped. ''Well, luckily it's not the case with me. I'm happy with my two kids and I don't plan any changes on that field.''

''Yeah, right... like it's always planned...'' Lindsay murmured, raising from her seat. ''I'm going to make myself another coffee, do you want something?'' She offered.

''Maybe a cup of tea?''

''No problem.''

''Thanks a lot, you're a treasure.'' Jo offered Lindsay one of her smiles and watched as she exited the office. Then she shook her head. _Three months of nausea!_ She thought, rolling her eyes. _Oh joy... _She recalled the time when she had been pregnant with Tyler. Having morning sickness, that oddly arrived in the afternoon. It hadn't been really bad, as it lasted only for two or three weeks. But it was nothing in comparison to her craving for sweets. She had no idea how it had been possible for her not to develop diabetes, considering the amount of sweets she was devouring every day.

Suddenly her smile started to wane and she froze. She blinked several times, trying to focus, as counting up to 28 had never seemed so difficult before. And the pounding sound in her ears wasn't helping with it either.

''For God's sake...'' Jo whispered. Her eyes shifted to her desk and she started to frantically dig through the piles of papers, reports and other stuff, trying to spot her personal organizer. She finally pulled it out from beneath some book about forensic psychology and opened it with trembling hands. She found the current date and started to go back, counting days. She suddenly stopped, seeing the note about Ellie's dentist appointment that was supposed to be last week.

''Damn...'' She cursed, then sighed with annoyance as she realized she lost count. She had to start over again.

''24... 25...'' She turned the page and let her gaze sweep over it. ''Crap...'' She moaned. ''28... 29...'' She turned the page again and then the next one. ''35... 36...'' Finally she saw the little pink post-it note placed in the middle of the page. ''39.'' She whispered. ''Oh... my... God.''

. . .

''Lindsay, have you seen Jo?'' Mac asked, stepping into the office. Lindsay stared at the cup of now cold tea that she had made for Jo almost an hour ago.

''She was there... but I don't know where she is now.''

Mac glanced at the hanger, noticing that Jo's coat wasn't there, then he moved around her desk, looking for her hand bag, but there was no sign of it either.

''Did she go home?'' He thought loud.

''It's possible.'' Lindsay nodded. ''She wasn't feeling good.''

''What do you mean?'' Mac asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

''She was nauseous and dizzy. It's probably the flu. You know, it's that time of year. I'm pretty sure Lucy will catch something in a few days, too.'' She sighed.

''The flu?'' Mac wondered, thinking she was perfectly fine when he had seen her a couple of hours ago. ''Why didn't she tell me anything?'' He asked himself, but as he did it out loud Lindsay felt obligated to answer.

''Umm... Maybe she couldn't catch you?''

''Yeah, maybe.'' Mac murmured, thinking he had been sitting in his office for 2 hours without any break, so if Jo really wanted to see him, she could easily do so. He exited the room and pulled out his phone, toying with it in his hand and heading to his office to call her without being worried that someone would overhear something.

Once in his office he closed the door and dialed Jo's number. After several signals he heard her lovely voice: '_Hello. I can bet I'm available right now but cannot find__ the __phone in my bag. Pl__ease leave a message and I will call you back as soon as I find it._'

Mac sighed and, without leaving a message, he hung up and dialed Jo's number again. Usually it did the trick. First call to make her find her phone in her bag. Second one – to make her answer it. But this time she didn't answer the second one or the third one, not even the fourth one.

He placed his phone on the desk with resignation and mindlessly looked out through the window.

''What the hell are you up to, Jo?'' He whispered, sending the question in the air.

. . .

**A/N Terribly sorry it took me ages to update, but what can I say... My life isn't making anything easier, even writing fanfiction. All I can promise is that the next one will be sooner, as the main part of it is already written.**

**Again I owe many thanks to UrbanMuse for correcting all my mistakes, even though she's really busy with her own life. If not for her, you'd be reading it and wondering at some parts what kind of language is it. And that'd be Ponglish.**

**And a little treat for Jessica (csinyfan28), as she is the biggest 'Once and Again' fan I know – can you find some lines from it in this chapter? They're put there for you ;) Got 'em all!**


	13. the same old fears

. . .

Jo was sitting with her legs crossed, bouncing one leg nervously and mindlessly turning the pages of some colorful magazine, not really paying attention to what she was looking at. Her mind was spinning with the rush of thoughts.

If she was pregnant, it would be the biggest disaster ever. Not because having a baby would be a bad itself. True, she was happy with only Tyler and Ellie. She hadn't considered having another one for a while now, as she thought she was simply too old for that. Of course, it would turn her life upside down, but it was something she could deal with.

The thing that terrified her was that if she was pregnant, then for sure it would be with Russ. She couldn't force her mind not to go back to those moments when they might have conceived a child. The first time, after the dinner they had had together, he had used protection, as he was aware she wouldn't agree otherwise. But then, when he had stormed into her apartment in the middle of the night, completely drunk, threatening that he would reveal Jo's past to Ellie... Jo swallowed hard, remembering that night. That night he hadn't cared about anything – not about her pain, not about her tears... not about any consequences. The very next day she had bought birth control pills, but that one night... If she was pregnant, it was because of it.

She put the magazine down on her lap and blindly stared into space. If she was pregnant with Russ' child, then it meant that her relationship with Mac was over. She couldn't possibly expect him to take care of a child that wasn't his. Even though she could imagine Mac feeling obligated to do so. But she would never ask him for that. What was more – she would never agree to him doing that. It would just not be fair to him.

Which was leaving her with one solution only – she would be a single mom. Again. All those worries, concerns, fears... which seemed to be much more terrifying, while there was nobody with whom they could be shared. And all those poignant moments, all those firsts and all those little miracles... which seemed to be not as happy as they could be, when there was no one else to witness them.

In order to keep herself from going insane, for a moment she imagined it would be Mac's child. She wasn't absolutely certain he would be happy about it. More than likely he wouldn't be, as she recalled this one and only night they had spent together, when he had expressed his concern about protection. But if it were his baby, she was sure he would face it like a man. She pictured in her head how great a father he would be, taking care of her and their child.

But there wasn't even a slight possibility she could be pregnant with Mac. She felt how tears encircled her eyelids. If she was pregnant, then it would mean she already lost the man she truly loved. Having someone else to love instead, having the love of another kind to fulfill the gaping void in her heart. But she already knew it would never be enough. She knew that she would always miss something, not being able to be truly happy ever again...

The doors to the consulting room suddenly flew open and a young woman stood in it, looking down at the file she was holding.

''Ms. Danville?''

''Yes.'' Jo answered, as she rose from her seat.

''Please, come inside.''

. . .

''Are you sure?'' Jo asked, leaning her head back down, as she suddenly felt weak.

''Yes, I'm sure.'' The doctor confirmed.

''Oh, God... That's just...'' She drew a shaky breath. ''But you're one hundred percent sure?'' She asked again, propping herself on her elbows and glancing at the doctor.

''Yes, I'm sure.'' The doctor repeated, sounding slightly irritated, and raised his eyebrow at Jo. ''Do you want to see my diploma?'' She asked.

''No, no.'' Jo shook her head and laughed nervously. ''It's just...''

''You can get dressed now.''

''But if I'm not pregnant, then what caused the absence of menstruation? Could it be menopause?'' Jo asked.

''I don't think so. You don't show any other signs of it.'' The doctor told her. ''Although we had to run some tests to determine the hormone levels to be sure.''

''So if not menopause, then what?''

''It's really hard to tell. Many factors can cause that. In your case I would put my money on stress.'' The doctor said and Jo nodded. ''Or anemia, but you had to have your blood tested to know that.''

''OK.''

''I think that if you get some rest, sleep properly, eat healthily and avoid stress... well, at least any additional stress, everything should be back to normal pretty soon.''

''That's good.'' Jo said and smiled lightly at her, standing up. The doctor watched her carefully for a moment and asked:

''Do you have anyone to take care of you and remind you to live a healthy lifestyle?'' She asked, half joking.

''Yes.'' Jo nodded. ''Yes, I do.'' She repeated and her smile grew.

. . .

Jo entered her apartment and the first thing she heard was her daughter laughing.

''Are you dumb?!'' Ellie asked. ''Not like that!''

''You want to teach me? I was cooking pasta before you were even born!''

''Yeah, right! While you were 5 years old!'' Ellie laughed again. ''Bullshit!''

Jo frowned and hastily took off her coat. She threw it on a hanger and moved to the kitchen, from where Ellie's voice was coming. She saw Ellie and Tyler leaning over the pot that was sitting on the stovetop. She raised her eyebrows in surprise. Her son was probably the last person she suspected to see there, at least after their last conversation, when he had told her he didn't want to see her ever again and had thrown his keys at her. She wondered what could happen, that his attitude had suddenly changed.

''It's boiling already.'' Tyler said, taking a box with pasta.

''It isn't!'' Ellie protested. ''They taught us in school that the boiling point for water is 212°F or 100°C.''

''Why don't you put your finger inside and check to see if it's already 212°F or 100°C?'' Tyler teased her, mocking her voice.

''Oh, you're such a smartass!'' Ellie bit back. ''Why don't you do it yourself?''

''What are you doing, guys?'' Jo asked and they both turned to face her.

''Hi, mom!'' Ellie greeted her. ''We're cooking pasta.'' She explained.

Jo glanced at Tyler. He didn't say anything, only smiled shyly at her. She watched him for a moment, trying to figure out what he was up to, until Ellie caught her attention.

Ellie looked inside the pot once again. ''Now it's boiling.'' She judged and took the box with pasta from Tyler's hand. Tyler's eyes were still fixed on Jo and she got the feeling he wanted to talk to her, but not in his sister's presence.

''I'm going to get changed.'' Jo told them and turned around. She left the kitchen, but Tyler followed her.

''Mom?'' He called her in a quiet voice. ''Can we talk?''

''I think we have to.'' Jo told him, turning around and looking directly at him.

''Can you sit down?''

''OK.'' Jo said and sat down on the couch. Tyler sat next to her and looked her in the eye.

''Mom, listen... I'm really sorry for what I said.'' He sighed deeply and added. ''I didn't mean it. I was upset. I met with dad that morning and he told me... he told me that you pushed him again...'' Jo tried to interrupt him and protest, but he was quicker. ''I know that's not what happened. Ellie told me... that he hit you.'' She turned her gaze away for a moment, trying to get her emotions under control. When she looked at him again she saw that his eyes were strangely glossy. ''I couldn't believe it, but she swore she saw it... Is that true?'' He asked. For a moment Jo considered denying it, as she didn't want Tyler to feel bad about his own father. But he deserved to know the truth.

''Yes. He hit me. And Ellie witnessed it. That's why she ran away to Virginia.''

''And he did it to your wrist as well?'' Tyler asked, pointing out her bandaged wrist.

''Yes, he twisted my hand...''

''Mom, I'm really sorry about that.'' Tyler said in a sad voice. ''Did he... do anything more to you?'' He asked. She just glanced at him and the look on her face told him everything. On the spur of the moment he moved closer to her and hugged her tightly. ''Mom...'' He whispered, his voice cracking with emotions. Jo placed her hand on the back of his head.

''It's OK now.'' She told him in a calming tone.

''I feel like I could kill him.'' He whispered.

''Oh, honey...'' Jo sighed. He pulled away and looked at her.

''I'm not kidding, mom.'' He said sturdily. ''I will, if he ever comes close to you again.'' Then he suddenly rose from the couch and moved to the chair, where his backpack was placed. ''Which reminds me... I talked to my friend, who's in law school and she advised me that you should fill these out.'' He said, handing her a folder with some forms. She looked down at them and read the heading.

''A Restraint Order?'' Jo asked in surprise.

''Yes.''

''Oh, I don't know, Tyler... It's a serious issue.''

''I know.'' Tyler nodded. Then he sighed. He knew his mother too well to think that he was able to talk her into something she didn't want to do. ''Just promise me you'll think about it.''

''I promise.'' Jo assured him, putting the folder down on the coffee table.

''Dinner's ready!'' Ellie yelled from the kitchen.

''It smells really nice!'' Jo said as she walked in. Then she leaned over Ellie and kissed the top of her head. ''Thanks, hon.''

''It's just pasta, mom.'' Ellie said, slightly confused.

''I'm not talking about that. Thanks for having a talk with Tyler.'' Jo told her.

''Oh, right... Well, Mac gave me that idea, so we met with Tyler and...''

''What?'' Jo asked, raising her eyebrows. ''Mac told you to talk to Tyler?''

''Umm...'' Ellie hesitated for a moment, trying to remember if that was supposed to be a secret or not. ''Well, yes. He called me in the morning and told me that maybe I should try to talk to Tyler. Mac thought I was the only one who Tyler would believe. So I texted him and he picked me up after school.'' She explained. ''Mom?'' Ellie added, slightly concerned as Jo was watching her with her eyes wide open. She couldn't believe it was again Mac, who was sorting thing out for her. And again he managed to bring peace to her life.

''Are we eating?'' Tyler asked, entering the kitchen and Jo glanced at him.

''Tyler, could you stay with Ellie tonight?'' She asked.

''Yeah, sure.''

''You want to go out? You won't be eating?'' Ellie asked, making a sad face.

''Just leave some for me and I'll eat when I come back.'' Jo told her. ''I'm sure it's delicious, sweetie.'' She said, smiling at her.

''Where are you going, mom?'' Tyler asked.

''I want to thank Mac.'' Jo answered, putting on her coat.

'' 'Thank'.'' Ellie murmured to Tyler, raising her eyebrows.

''Yeah, 'thank'.'' Tyler echoed and they shared a knowing smile.

''You're both terrible.'' Jo groaned, pulling the door open. ''See you later!''

''You mean: 'in the morning'?!'' Ellie yelled after her, suspending her laughter, but Jo didn't answer, only rolled her eyes.

. . .

''Jo? What are you doing here?'' Mac asked as he opened the door and saw her standing in front of him. Her wet hair was clinging to her face, her make-up was slightly smudged and her coat seemed to be completely soaked. ''Come in.'' He said, letting her in and closing the door behind her.

''I wanted to thank you for what you did.'' Jo told him. ''For suggesting that Ellie talk to Tyler.''

''Did it work?'' He asked with a little smile.

''It did. He believed her. And he came to me, telling me how sorry he is.'' Jo said, looking at him with her big, sparkling eyes. ''We're all good now.''

''That's great.'' He said, smiling wider.

''I really can't tell you how much I appreciate what you did for me.'' Jo whispered, her voice shaking with emotions. ''I'm so lucky to have you...'' She added, hugging him and clinging to his chest. He kissed the top of her head and whispered:

''You're welcome.''

Then all of sudden she pulled away.

''Oh my, I'm sorry. I'm drenched.''

''Yeah, I can feel that.'' He laughed slightly.

''There wasn't any parking spot near your place, I had to park at the end of the street... and it's sleeting outside.'' She added, trying to stop her teeth from chattering.

''God, Jo, you're shivering. Are you cold?''

''Very much.'' She admitted.

''We have to get you out of those wet clothes.'' He told her, unbuttoning her jacket and peeling it off her. ''And you definitely need to take a hot shower.''

He took her by the hand and led her to the bathroom. He turned on the water in the shower, adjusting its temperature.

''Here, jump in and I'll make you a hot tea.''

''OK, thanks.''

The hot water hitting her skin felt wonderful and the awful feeling of freezing to death was soon gone. When Jo stepped out from the shower Mac was already waiting for her.

''Are you better?'' He asked.

''Yes, much warmer.''

He held out a big towel for her. ''I thought you would need that.'' He said, coming closer. She smiled seeing how his eyes wandered over her naked and wet body. He wrapped her in the towel and she looked up at him, her eyes strangely glossy, which didn't escape his attention. ''What is is?'' He asked, but she just shook her head and looked down. He placed his hand under her chin, lifting her head gently and looking into her eyes. She swallowed hard.

''I've dreamt about this.'' She whispered.

''About borrowing my towel?'' He asked surprised and she chuckled.

''About you... being like this... to me.''

Mac didn't answer, only pulled her into his arms and kissed her leisurely. Then he moved his lips over her jaw, to her neck. Jo closed her eyes, enjoying his caress. It felt heavenly.

''What else did you dream about, Jo?'' He asked, his voice deep and slightly hoarse. ''Do you have any other... fantasy I could fulfill tonight?'' He pulled back and looked at her, seeing her cheeks covered with a lovely blush and he was sure it wasn't because of the hot shower she had just taken.

Jo's gaze was fixed on the floor, as she was trying to control the sudden rush of excitement that was going through her body. She recalled the dream she had had a few nights ago. Even thinking of it was making her dizzy.

''Tell me.'' He whispered. Then he nibbled on her earlobe and she couldn't stop the moan that slipped past her lips. She leaned against him, her thigh sneaking between his legs and it was his turn to moan. In one swift movement he lifted her up, grinding her body against his. She wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck, holding onto him. She lowered her head and captured his lips in such a deep and passionate kiss, he almost missed, aiming for the bathroom door.

He carried her to the bedroom and lowered her on the bed. He looked down at her. Their eyes met and he found himself being transfixed by her gaze. Her eyes were so dark, almost black, her pupils dilated. Without breaking the eye contact she reached to the towel and pulled it open, exposing her naked body to his view. She heard his sharp intake of breath and saw how his eyes started to slowly wander over her body. It was like he was caressing her solely with his eyes and her skin began to tingle under his gaze. She let out a sigh and raised her hand, leisurely moving it along her neck, her cleavage, to her breast.

Mac could promise he forgot how to breathe. He had never witnessed anything more erotic. Her eyes were half closed and she was looking at him as he watched her touching herself. Her hand dropped lower, to her stomach and he was able to see how her muscle quivered slightly. He was sure that if she touched herself between her legs, he would explode. But as she was teasing him and herself at the same time, she bypassed her center and let her fingers stroke her inner thigh.

He couldn't take it any longer. He hastily unbuttoned his shirt, threw it to the floor and even faster stripped himself from his pants. When he looked at her again he could see she was smiling, this sexy, confident smile of hers. He climbed on the bed next to her and kissed her deeply and intimately. Then his mouth dropped to her neck.

''Tell me.'' He whispered between kisses. ''Tell me and I'll do it. I'll do anything you ask me to.''

She closed her eyes and whimpered quietly, recalling how good it felt when she was dreaming about it. She just couldn't stop herself from getting a chance to check how much better it would be in reality.

''I want you to make love to me...'' She told him softly.

''How?'' He asked, nipping gently at the sensitive skin on her neck, hitting her sweet spot and knowing it always drove her crazy with desire.

''...with your mouth.'' She finished, her voice barely above a whisper.

He didn't answer, only slid down her body, leaving a trail of hot kisses. She knew where he was heading and she shuddered at the thought. He started to gently massage her thighs, wanting her to relax. He didn't part her legs, but waited for her to do it on her own, when she was ready. And when she opened herself for him, he placed soft kisses on her inner thighs. He wanted to take his time, enjoying how her smooth skin felt under his lips, but the urge to taste her was too strong and he couldn't restrain himself from doing that. She gasped audibly feeling his mouth touching her so intimately. He made her feel wonderfully light-headed, she couldn't focus on anything else, nothing else mattered, only him and his masterful touch. His caress was tortuously slow, making her desperately wanting more. She whimpered, then unashamedly rocked her hips against his mouth, but was immediately stopped by the firm grip of his hands. He was the one in control and he wanted to build her pleasure gradually, making her enjoy her release as much as it was possible.

''Maaaac...'' She let out a faint moan and he thought she had never sounded so sexy. All those noises she was making – moans, purrs, whimpers – were like music to his ears.

Her heart was racing and her breathing turned into gasps. One of his hands moved up from her hip and he placed it on her stomach, feeling how she was alternately tensing and relaxing. Her body reminded him of the sea – rising and falling as pleasure was rolling through her in tides. He felt how her thighs started to quiver and he knew she wanted him to caress her faster, harder, deeper. But he kept the steady pace, not intending to rush her climax.

In a desperate attempt to reach her release she brought her hand to her center, but he was quicker. He caught it with his hand before she managed to touch herself, lacing his fingers with hers and pushing her hand down to the mattress, immobilizing it. Her groan of protest instantly turned into a moan of delight, when she felt how his tongue joined his lips in a sweet caress.

''Oh God...'' She moaned.

He felt how her fingers twitched in his hand. He brought her to the brink and lightened his touch. But he didn't stop his caress even for a brief moment, driving her crazy with desire, making her writhe beneath him. It was the sweetest torture and the power he had over her was both scaring and exciting her.

He let go of her hand and she placed it on his head, silently begging him for more. He couldn't deny her that. He wanted to make her forget about the whole world and give into this selfish desire to be the only thing that mattered for her in this moment.

He felt how her muscle tensed suddenly and saw how her back rose from the bed, creating a perfect arch. She let out a deep moan and her whole body started to hum with sensation, pulsating marvelously against his mouth. He slipped his hands under her buttocks, lifting her slightly and bringing her even closer to himself. Only then she gasped, realizing that his caress had never stopped.

''Mac... I can't...'' She tried to form a sentence, but she was unable. ''Oh dear God...'' She moaned, feeling that her body ignored her mind and started to respond again. She tossed her head back and whimpered, feeling how he built her desire again, taking her even higher. She didn't have any strength to fight it, being wholly surrendered to his touch. He let go of her hips and marveled how they instantly began their sensual dance, rocking against his mouth. His hands moved up along her body, one of them caressed her stomach, silently begging her to let herself fall again. His other hand went higher and he cupped her breast, teasing its tip, making her arch her back and eliciting a soft whimper from her. In no time he brought her to the edge and she quietly sobbed with pleasure as her second orgasm overtook her, being even longer and sweeter then the first one.

Mac pulled away slightly, knowing she was oversensitive and not wanting to cause her any pain or discomfort. He patiently waited for her to come down from her heights, placing soft kisses on her milky thighs. He could feel how blood rushed just beneath the surface of her skin and he could hear how she was struggling to make her breathing even.

When she calmed down slightly, he glanced at her face, seeing a dreamy smile gracing her lips. He smiled too and placed a loving kiss on her mound. He knew she was already satisfied beyond her expectations. But he found himself addicted to watching her pleasure. And there was still one spot he hadn't caressed yet. He brought his hand up and ever so gently pushed two fingers into her wet heat. He was slightly concerned that he would hurt her, so he did it very slowly and with care. But it seemed she trusted him fully, as her body offered no resistance, willingly accepting his every touch. He gently moved his fingers, curling them slightly up and Jo gasped loudly. He slowly did it again and again, until her hips bucked against his hand.

Her hands grasped tightly on the sheet as she felt her whole body tensing hard. She was spinning out of control and there was nothing she could hold onto. His fingers kept the steady rhythm and at the same time he lowered his head between her thighs. A loud moan escaped her as she felt how he sucked her sensitive bud into his mouth. It was like he was teasing an infinite number of nerve endings all at once. It was too much, her system was overloaded and she tried to pull away, but he didn't let her do that. He held her hips down with his one hand, his grip as strong as it could get without being painful. And then, with the next stroke of his fingers, he sent her over the edge.

She took a sharp intake of breath and then the most beautiful sound he could imagine filled the room – being completely consumed by pleasure she cried out his name, until she was out of breath.

He could keep making love to her like that whole night long, but she grabbed his shoulders and with her last strength she managed to pull him up. He lay down next to her and stared at her face. Her eyes were closed, her skin flushed and her breathing labored. He brought his hand to her cheek and gently stroked her. With a great effort she opened her eyes and looked at him. He smiled, seeing her hazy glare. It was the most beautiful sight in the world – his beloved woman dazed with a pleasure he had given her.

''No more?'' He asked with a grin. She shook her head.

''Too much.'' She whispered.

He leaned over her and kissed her, sharing her own taste with her. He broke the kiss when he felt her shivering. He covered them with a duvet and lay back down, pulling her close, so that she was snuggled on top of his chest. She tried to keep her eyes open, but her eyelids felt so heavy.

''You're sleepy.'' He said, nuzzling her hair.

''No... I just need a minute...''

''Take a nap if you want.'' He told her, letting his fingers lazily stroke her back.

''What about you?'' Jo asked sleepily.

''It's not like you're going anywhere, are you?'' He joked and felt her smile against his chest. ''Sleep.'' He whispered, like he was putting a spell on her.

With a soft sigh she finally gave in and slipped into somnolence. In no time he felt how her body became heavy. Her upper half was draped across his chest, her head nestled under his chin. Both her arms were around him, her legs tangled between his. He looked down at her. She was completely spent. He couldn't help but smile proudly, thinking it had to feel really good if she needed to recuperate from the damage he had done. He chuckled slightly. For a moment he considered taking a nap as well, but he wasn't actually tired. He felt full of energy and so very much alive. And he found himself not wanting to waste that moment, but rather stay awake, enjoying her being close to him like that and making sure that she would get proper rest.

Carefully, so as not to disturb her sleep, he reached out to the nightstand, wanting to grab a book. He was maneuvering with his left hand and his movements were rather limited, which made the task slightly more complicated than he had thought. He cursed inwardly seeing that the pen, which was stuck inside the book, slipped from between the pages and fell to the floor. And of course it couldn't just fall and stay like that – it skimmed across the room, making a series of noises. Mac glanced at Jo, but she didn't even stir, completely unaffected by it. It seemed she wouldn't have woken up even if there was a blast next to her. He opened the book at some random page, smirking.

. . .

The sun was already high in the sky when Jo woke up. She put her arms above her head and stretched herself, grinning like a fool. She felt wonderful. Satisfied, pampered and loved so very much. She closed her eyes for a moment and got lost in the recollections of the last night. She remembered falling asleep on top of Mac, being completely dazed by what he had done to her. Then his kisses had woken her up in the middle of the night. And he had made love to her again. So slowly and leisurely, taking his time and paying attention to every inch of her body. She sighed in delight. God, he was just incredible. It was unbelievable how he managed to discover all her sweet spots already. It had been like he was pushing just the right buttons. One by one, then, getting carried away, all of them at once, like a 4-year old in an elevator. He hadn't given her any chance, she had shattered in his arms over and over again.

She giggled, recalling that at some point he had told her to be a little quieter, as her moans and cries were threatening to wake up the neighbors who were sleeping behind the wall. She blushed, thinking she had had to be really loud. But she just couldn't help herself – the feeling had been beyond good. And she had been completely out of control. She giggled again, thinking how he had ended up kissing her almost constantly as it had seemed to be the only way to keep her from vocalizing her pleasure.

She sighed and sat up, tossing the duvet aside and instantly regretting doing so, as she was completely naked and the cold air made her shiver. She looked to the side and saw a neatly folded NYPD T-shirt and a pair of woolen socks lying on the bed, on his side. She smiled. He had thought about everything. She quickly put the T-shirt on. Even though it was freshly washed it still smelled like him and she closed her eyes for a moment, relishing the feeling of being wrapped in his fragrance. The T-shirt was much too big for her, falling to her mid-thigh. The socks were also too big, but so warm and soft she thought she wouldn't ever take them off.

She was sure she would find him in the kitchen and she wasn't mistaken. He was sitting at the table, reading a newspaper and eating oatmeal.

''Hey, you're awake.'' He smiled at her.

''Yup.''

''You look sweet.'' He said, his gaze sweeping over her. ''Are you hungry?''

''Yeah, a little.'' She answered, smiling at him.

''Sit down.'' He said. She glanced at the other chair, where the pile of newspapers and magazines was placed.

''OK.'' She said, reaching for them, wanting to place them somewhere else.

''Oh, sorry for that.'' He said, standing up quickly. ''Leave it, I'll do it.''

She looked at him and it was her turn to check him out from the top of his head to his bare feet. He was wearing only his long pajama pants and for a moment she found herself not being able to tear her gaze away from his gorgeous chest.

''I have a better idea. Sit down.'' She said and he complied. Then she moved between his legs and sat on his knee. ''It's OK?'' She asked, looking at him. He pulled her further into his lap and placed his arm around her waist, making sure she wouldn't fall.

''Now it is.'' He said with a grin. She put her arm around his neck and ran her fingers through his hair, gently scraping his head with her fingernails, making him sigh happily.

''What are we eating?'' She asked, taking a look at the table.

''Oatmeal?'' He offered, but she just wrinkled her nose. ''What? It makes you strong and healthy.''

''That's good.'' She smirked. ''I need you to be strong and healthy.'' She said, placing a light kiss on his lips.

''Jo, I'm not kidding.'' He complained.

''Neither am I.'' She answered with the same smirk and he groaned.

''OK, I get it, no oatmeal. How about whole-grain cereal?'' He asked moving a bowl with it towards her. She studied its contents for a moment.

''Slightly better.'' She said, fishing out a raisin. He watched her for a moment, then he nuzzled her neck with his nose, pulling her even closer to himself.

''I love when you're like that... Still warm from your sleep.'' He whispered in her ear and she smiled.

Only then he frowned slightly, recalling how she had woken him up just before dawn. She was sleeping on her side, facing away from him. She had stirred and murmured something, obviously having a bad dream. Her hands were moving like she had wanted to grab something and then she had called his name, her voice broken and terrified.

He had gently turned her around and had pulled her closer to him. She was shivering really badly, clearly in distress. He had whispered some sweet nothings to her, trying to calm her down, but soon he had realized that it was actually his heart-beat that was more effective. She had listened to it and in no time her own heart had slowed down its frantic pace, adjusting to his rate. And then she had fallen into a calm sleep again. When he had woken up in the morning, she was still in the same position, clung tightly to him. He had barely managed to slip from her hold without waking her up. He had no idea about what she had dreamt, what bad things she was going through in her sleep again and again. He didn't want to ask, being afraid he would upset her.

Instinctively he tightened his grip on her waist and it caught her attention.

''Hmm?'' Jo murmured as she let her hand caress his head. ''What are you thinking about?'' She asked, tilting her head and trying to look him in the eye.

''Nothing.'' He whispered and buried his nose into her hair. ''Mmm. The way you smell...'' He sighed.

''Yeah, like you...'' She groaned. ''Your shower gel, your T-shirt.''

''Not like me...'' He told her, brushing his lips against the side of her neck. ''Like mine.''

''You're such a man.'' She half moaned, half laughed.

''And you're complaining about it?'' He asked, pulling away and looking at her.

''No... actually I'm not.'' She admitted, finding another raisin and eating it.

''Jo, you're picking out only raisins!'' He said with a laughter.

''That's not true.'' She protested. ''Also nuts and almonds. Although there are none left.'' She added, taking a careful look inside the bowl.

''You're terrible.'' He laughed. ''Didn't you say that you're hungry?''

She moved the bowl to the side and turned slightly to face him.

''Oh, I didn't lie.'' She said with a saucy smile. She gently caressed his chest, enjoying how hard his pectoral muscles were under her hand. Then she brushed her lips against his jaw, moving down, along his neck. She placed a hard, wet kiss there and smiled, feeling how much he liked what she was doing to him. ''Mmm, someone's getting excited.'' She whispered and gently rocked herself back and forth. He groaned and grabbed her hips, immobilizing her. Then his hands dropped lower, moving along her thighs and under the hem of the T-shirt. ''You shouldn't do that...'' She whispered and nipped on his earlobe. ''I don't have anything on beneath that T-shirt...''

He let out a quiet moan and she smiled. As she had supposed, he had to check on his own. His hands slowly moved around her bare buttocks and then back to her hips.

''So very naughty.'' He murmured.

''Well, I have no idea where you tossed my underwear when you undressed me last night.''

''Jo, honey...'' He said, pulling back and looking at her seriously. ''Leave me out of this. When I started with you last night you were already naked and wet... from the shower.''

''Oh my God...'' She gasped, then burst out laughing. ''You're right! I guess I just left them in the bathroom.'' She hid her face in a crook of his neck in embarrassment.

''Yeah, I had nothing to do with that, you're a Messy Bessy.'' He said with a smile and she smacked his arm.

''If you're a true gentleman, you'd give them back to me when you... finished... with me.'' She bit back.

''Well, that means only one thing.'' He murmured, brushing his lips against the sensitive spot behind her ear.

''That you're not a true gentleman?'' She asked slightly breathlessly.

''That I'm not finished with you...'' He whispered against her skin, slowly moving his hands up her bare thighs.

''Don't you have do get ready for work?''

''I do.'' He sighed. ''You want me to drop you at your place on my way?''

''My place isn't on your way.'' She laughed.

''I'll make a detour for you.''

''You're so sweet.'' She said, caressing his cheek. ''OK, so I'd better get dressed.'' She added, raising from his lap. She moved to the bathroom and collected her clothes from the floor. Much to her surprise Mac was right behind her. She raised her brow seeing him and he said:

''I want to take a shower.''

''Hmm.'' She murmured, sneaking her hands under the waistband of his pants. ''Do you want some company?''

''Jo...'' He warned her softly.

''I'm just kidding.'' She said with a smirk and walked out of the bathroom, throwing him a look over her shoulder. She got dressed and folded his T-shirt. She knew from where he had gotten it for her, so she opened the drawer, wanting to put it back inside. She was just about to do it, when something caught her attention. It was a small jewelry box covered with green velvet. She picked it up, turning it in her hand. She easily recognized it – it was the one from the jewelry shop she had visited with Mac, when he was buying a ring for Christine. The ring he had chosen back then was put into exactly the same box.

Suddenly Jo felt how her own blood started to roar in her ears. That was the ring Mac had bought for Christine. Only a day ago he had told her, that he had returned it to the shop. Yet it was still in his drawer. Then she recalled their conversation that they had during the brunch in the 'Cardamon'. He had told her that he had gotten rejected and she had asked him if he would try to change Christine's mind. And he had denied. But he kept the ring and lied about returning it.

Tears stung her eyes and she had to blink a few times, making her vision clear again. Was it possible that he still had feelings for Christine? Jo's imagination started to tease her with all kind of images of Mac and Christine still being together. Was it possible that Mac was meeting with Christine, while declaring his love for her? Her eyes widened suddenly as she thought about the take-away boxes that she had spotted in the bin in Mac's kitchen. She couldn't quite recall from where they were, but only now she realized she knew that logo very well. It was the logo of Christine's restaurant.

She took a sharp intake of breath as she felt like the house of cards she was building little by little over the past weeks was suddenly blown away from the surface. She didn't want to believe that Mac was playing a double game the whole time. But what other explanation could there be for him to keep the ring he had bought for Christine and lie about it? She wasn't aware that tears were running down her face freely right now. The warning bells in her head, those bells she had managed to silence during the past weeks, started to ring again, twice as loud as before. She choked back a sob, thinking how very naive she was, assuming he was different. He wasn't. All men were just the same. Why should he stick to one woman, when he could have two? Screwing one during the day and the other during the night.

It was the same nightmare over and over again – being tricked, being used, being lied to. She had been terribly afraid that he would be gone, that it all was just too beautiful to be true. And what she had thought was her irrational fear, suddenly turned out to be reality.

Jo wiped the tears away angrily, tossing the jewelry box back inside the drawer. The water in the bathroom stopped running and that was what brought her to her senses. She couldn't face him now. She was aware that her judgment wasn't clear and she couldn't risk that he would manage to fool her with his charming lies again. She rushed out from his bedroom, then from his apartment, not even realizing that she was still holding his T-shirt in her hand.

Mac wrapped the towel around his waist and was just about to reach out for his cologne when he heard something that sounded like the front door being slammed. He frowned and exited the bathroom.

''Jo?'' He called her, but he got no answer. He looked all over his apartment, but she was nowhere to be found. He walked back to his bedroom, searching for his phone. He was sure something had to have happened, otherwise she wouldn't run out from his place without saying a word. He glanced at the chest of drawers and saw that the first drawer was slightly opened. After he took a look inside he realized that the small box with an engagement ring wasn't placed as he had left it.

He cursed inwardly as it became clear for him what caused Jo to disappear so quickly.

''Damn you, Jo. You weren't supposed to find it...'' He murmured.

. . .

**A/N Thank you very much for all reviews you left for far – I'm really happy that you like this story.**

**So here comes the next chapter :) Sorry it took me so long to update the story – I have to admit I got a little carried away with writing the new one...**

**Many thanks to UrbanMuse for correcting this chapter so very quickly and for those little suggestions how to make it better.**

**I would love to know what you think about this chapter, as (OK, I admit) I was slightly shy about posting it (you know why...), so if you have any thoughts, no matter, good or bad, please don't hesitate to share.**


	14. wish you were here

. . .

For the eleventh time today Mac dialed Jo's number, prepared for his call to go to voicemail after a couple of rings. Just like the last ten times. But this time was a surprise. Not a nice one, though, as her phone seemed to be turned off completely. He sighed deeply and threw his phone on the bed. It landed among the sheets which were still in disarray after the night they had spent together. He sighed deeply and decided to go for a run so as not to lose his mind.

He headed to the park, which was almost completely deserted at this hour. The weather was anything but appropriate for spending the day outside. The heavy, leaden clouds were hanging low in the sky, threatening to pour rain any minute now. But he didn't seem to care.

At some point he regretted that he decided to go jogging, as the activity was keeping his body busy, but not his mind. There was a true battle being fought in his head. He knew he should go to Jo's place and try to talk to her. Well, not only should he do it. He wanted to. He had gotten accustomed to her presence so much that the idea of spending the evening and then the night away from her was almost painful. But at the same time the other part of him didn't want to do it. She found the engagement ring and she ran away from him without a word. Could there be a clearer answer to an unasked question?

He cursed himself in his mind again. He knew it was too soon. Not for them – they had known each other for enough time to take such a big step already. But it was too soon for her. She had been through a lot lately, he shouldn't push her to make any serious declaration. Then he almost groaned with frustration. That's why he hadn't asked her to marry him yet. He had been waiting for the right moment, whenever it might come – in a week, in a month or in a year. He shouldn't have bought the ring in the first place, true. But when he went to the jewelry shop to return the one he had bought for Christine and he saw the one Jo had liked, he just couldn't help himself. He had to buy it. So he had done it. And it was supposed to lie peacefully in the drawer until the right moment did come.

He stopped himself suddenly, hit by the thought that maybe it wasn't only a matter of the moment not being right. Maybe it was the kind of relationship in which that right moment wasn't supposed to come at all. Never. He felt how his stomach clenched at the thought that maybe what was between them meant a lot more for him that it did for her. He knew she enjoyed his company. She allowed him to take care of her, to help her through hard times. But what if it was only this and nothing more? A relationship of convenience, without any agenda.

All of sudden a big raindrop fell on his head. And then another one. And another. Within a second the sky opened and the downpour started. But Mac didn't move even a bit, as if he didn't really feel how he was getting soaked.

. . .

Ellie poured some more milk into her bowl and placed the bottle down on the coffee table. It made a white, wet circle and she froze for a moment. Then she shrugged her shoulders lightly. Fortunately there was nobody here who would yell at her for doing so. And it wasn't like it couldn't be wiped off later. She doubted a little bit of milk could do any damage to the furniture that quickly. Actually, she wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be great for the polish or something and that she had just stumbled upon some history-making discovery simply by being lazy.

She made herself more comfortable on the couch and turned the TV on. She quickly skipped to the cartoon channel and took a spoon-full of Cheerios. She was still wearing her pajamas, even though it was almost noon. She smiled lightly as she thought how much she loved those weekend mornings while her mom was at work and she didn't hurry her to do anything.

But today she wasn't at work, she was at Mac's, so it was even better. Ellie was quite sure it would take them a while to enjoy each other. Actually she wouldn't mind her mom being back around dinner time. And since Tyler rushed out early in the morning, as he had a meeting with his friend at the gym, she could enjoy peace and quiet and do whatever she wanted to do. No cleaning, no shopping, no homework. Just a perfect Saturday.

The very second that thought passed through Ellie's mind, she heard the scrape of the key in the lock. She quickly glanced at the bottle of milk, but it was too late to run to the kitchen for something to clean it up. Her mom was already inside.

''Hi, mom! What are you doing here?'' Ellie asked cheerfully.

''I thought I live here, but clearly I was mistaken as you seem to be very surprised to see me.'' Jo grunted and Ellie frowned.

''I mean... I thought you and Mac would want to spend some time together.'' Ellie explained slowly, weighting her every word. Jo kicked off her shoes angrily and walked towards her.

''Well, you thought wrong.'' She answered in the same, unpleasant tone as before. Ellie eyed her a moment.

''And what's that?'' Ellie asked, pointing with a nod of her head at the piece of clothing that Jo was holding.

''That's...'' Jo started, but her voice trailed off. She held the T-shirt in front of her, as if she had just seen it for the first time in her life. ''… nothing.'' She finished. Then she glanced at the coffee table and spotted the stain made by the bottle of milk. Ellie followed her gaze and was just getting ready for the scolding, when Jo said, ''I'm going to lie down. I don't feel well. Please be quiet and... don't make too much of a mess.''

Ellie watched her with her mouth slightly open and only nodded. Then Jo sighed and headed for her bedroom. She closed the door behind herself and then Ellie heard the sound of the blinds going down.

She glanced at the white circle on the coffee table again and furrowed her eyebrows. No scolding. Something was definitely not right.

. . .

When Jo didn't leave her room either at the sound of the doorbell that rang when the postman came, or at the loud twang when Ellie dropped a pan in the kitchen, Ellie started to think that something bad had happened. She heard her mom's phone ring a few times, but then it went silent. When it was already late in the afternoon, Ellie finally decided to check on her mom. She slowly entered her bedroom. It was completely dark and rather stuffy. Jo was lying on her bed, curled in a ball. The T-shirt she had came home with was on her pillow, right next to her face. She seemed to be asleep. Ellie sighed slightly and was just about to leave, when she heard a sniff. She frowned and took a few hesitant steps towards the bed.

''Mom...?'' She asked, but her voice trembled too much and seemed to be too quiet. ''Mom?'' She repeated a little louder this time. At the sound of her voice Jo's hand shot to her face and quickly wiped away the wet traces. Then she squeezed her eyes shut and sighed deeply.

''Yes, sweetie?'' She asked, keeping her eyes shut.

''Mom... what's going on?'' Ellie asked, moving closer to her and studying her face.

''Nothing. I told you I wasn't feeling well.''

''Have you been... crying?'' Ellie asked softly.

''I have a terrible headache.'' Jo answered evasively. But Ellie didn't seem to buy it. She knew her mom too well. If she had a headache, she would take a painkiller and be back to her usual self in an hour, two tops.

''Mom, has something happened?'' Ellie asked again, but there was no answer. ''Is it because of Mac? Did you argue?'' At the sound of Mac's name Jo's eyes flew open and she stared at her daughter. ''Did he say something that hurt you?''

''No. Actually he didn't say anything.'' Jo finally answered, her voice harsh and somehow empty. ''He's just marrying the other woman. That's pretty much it.'' She added bitterly.

''He's what?!'' Ellie gasped, her eyes widening to the size of plates.

''You heard me.'' Jo murmured and turned to her back, staring at the ceiling.

''Mom, but that's just ridiculous! Can't you see how much he loves you?!'' Ellie exclaimed. She blinked a few times, as there was no reaction from her mom – she just kept staring at the ceiling. ''Mom, you had to get this all wrong. You have to talk to him and...''

''Ellie, can you please leave me alone?'' Jo asked quietly, turning to her other side and facing away from her daughter.

''But mom...!''

''Ellie, please! You're making my headache worse.''

Ellie snorted slightly and shook her head in disbelief. She couldn't believe that Mac could want to marry another woman. She had seen him with her mom, the way he looked at her and was taking care of her. She was sure it was impossible and that there had to be some huge misunderstanding.

But Ellie also knew her mom. She was as stubborn as a mule and Ellie was more than aware that there was no point in reasoning with her. She wouldn't listen anyway.

She turned on her heel and left her mom's bedroom, closing the door behind her. She rushed to her room, took her phone and quickly dialed Mac's number.

. . .

While waiting for the buzz that would let him in the building, Mac couldn't help but shift back and forth in place. He couldn't believe that Jo might think that the ring was for Christine. How she could even suspect him of being so dishonest with her? It clearly meant that she didn't trust him at all and that was something he couldn't come to terms with.

Finally Ellie buzzed him in and he jogged towards the staircase and then up. In a flash he was in front of Jo's apartment, right at the moment when Ellie opened the door for him.

''Where is she?'' He asked bluntly, but much to his surprise Ellie stood in his way, blocking the entrance.

''Wait a moment. Can you at least tell me what happened between you two?'' She asked.

''Ellie, please, I don't have time...'' He started.

''Because if you hurt my mom I'm not letting you in.'' She added and narrowed her eyes at him. He was slightly taken aback, as he had never heard such a tone from her.

''Ellie, I've already told you.'' He sighed. ''Your mom found the jewelry box in my drawer and probably thought I'm still considering marrying Christine...''

''But you're not?'' Ellie cut him off.

''Of course I'm not.'' Mac said, trying his best not to roll his eyes. ''Ellie, just let me in and I'll sort it all out, OK?'' He asked her calmly. She looked up at him and he could see how her eyes became softer.

''You promise?'' She asked, sounding again like a little girl.

''I do. Don't worry about anything.'' Mac assured her and she finally nodded, stepping away.

He entered the apartment and looked around. There was no sign of Jo anywhere. He took a few quick steps towards her bedroom, but then he suddenly hesitated and looked back at Ellie, wanting to make sure that he was taking the right direction. She nodded, so he rushed towards Jo's bedroom. He carefully opened the door and took a look inside. Even though the room was quite dark he saw Jo lying on the bed. He slowly moved towards her. Her eyes were closed and she seemed to be sleeping. He spotted something on her pillow. It took him a moment to realize it was his T-shirt, the one he had given her in the morning. She was sleeping with her face cuddled into it. He sighed lightly and reached out to brush the strand of hair off her face. He wanted to say her name, but before he did, Jo's eyes flew open and she smiled softly at him. He raised his eyebrows, as that was the last reaction he expected. But then, all of sudden, her expression changed completely, as if she suddenly became aware it wasn't a dream. She shot up and jerked away from him.

''What are you doing here?'' She asked, surprise and anger mixing up in her voice.

''I came to talk to you... Jo, you got it all wrong...'' He started.

''Oh, don't bother.'' She groaned. ''I found the ring, you know. I really don't want to listen to all of this.'' She added and made an attempt to stand up, but he didn't move to let her do that.

''You didn't open it, did you?'' He asked softly.

''What?''

''The jewelry box. You didn't open it.'' He specified. She glanced at him, surprised that he cared about it.

''I've already seen it, you know.'' She murmured.

''No, you haven't.'' Mac shook his head. ''You saw the one I bought for Christine. It wasn't that one.''

Jo looked at him again, raising her eyebrows. Then she frowned.

''Yeah, right! Do you really think I'm that stupid?'' She snapped. ''You want me to believe that it was for someone else? Do you buy an engagement ring every week?''

''Look at it.'' He asked, pulling the box out of his pocket, opening it and showing it to her. She clenched her jaw angrily, looking away. She wanted to make some bitter comment, but before she did he spoke again, ''Just look at the damn ring, Jo.'' He repeated, raising his voice slightly. That caught her attention. She glanced at him and then her eyes dropped lower, to the box he was holding in his hand. Her eyes widened and she looked up at him. She opened her mouth as she wanted to say something, but she was suddenly speechless. Then she took another look at the ring, as she wasn't sure if she had seen it correctly the first time.

''Do you recognize it?'' Mac asked in a quiet voice. She only nodded. ''You asked me to try to pick out the ring for you. I said I'd buy this one if I were going to ask you.''

Jo glanced at the ring again. Indeed, this was the platinum ring with two small diamonds and the bigger amethyst in the middle. The one that had caught her attention among many, many others. The one Mac would choose for her, if he was going to propose to her.

She raised her head and looked at him. She had to blink a few times as tears that were gathering in her eyes blurred her vision. But they didn't sting her eyes anymore. They weren't the same bitter tears of anger and sorrow as before. They were much sweeter, yet they still were making her breath catch in her throat, as she was too afraid to scare away the hope of what was just about to happen.

''I even engraved it.'' Mac added. He pulled the ring out of the box and showed it to her, holding it with his thumb and index finger. But with no intention of putting it on her finger. Jo let out a pent up breath as this hope was gone. The ring was the same, but there was no question.

If he had really bought this ring for her, then she ruined it all. She ran away from him and showed that she didn't trust him. No wonder that he had no intention of asking her to marry him now.

''Check what it says.'' Mac told her and if not for the pounding sound in her ears, she would have been able to catch the tremble in his voice. He tilted the ring a bit, making light fall on it from a different angle and only then did she catch sight of the engraving. It was a date. Jo looked up at him, completely confused. ''24th of September, 2010.'' Mac said. He could see that she didn't understand, so he added, ''The day I fell in love with you.''

And there was this familiar cruel laugh in her head. _''24__th__ of September, 2010''? What bullshit! _It was mocking the fact that for a moment she hoped he was going to ask her to marry him. How could she hope for something like this?! _Nice men, men like Mac, don't fall for women like you!_ She was staring blindly at the ring he was holding, not being able to make the slightest move. If the single thought was causing her such pain, then she couldn't even imagine how much it would hurt to try to move or speak.

''I wasn't even in New York at that time.'' She finally uttered in a voice washed out of all emotions.

''Yes, you were. It was your first day at our department.'' Mac said quietly. ''It was the day when I first saw you.''

Jo blinked once more and then suddenly she felt like someone pulled her back by her shoulders, into the past. She was hovering over the young girl's dead body, looking directly into Mac's eyes. He certainly caught her eye at that very moment. She was so good at reading people, sometimes even one glance was enough to tell what they were thinking. But he... he was a true riddle. It was as if his thoughts were hidden behind a brick wall. A wall she had to wear away first, most of the time by banging her head against it. But she was as stubborn as he was, if not more, and finally she did it. And what she saw made her fall in love with him for eternity.

''I was trying to come up with the moment in which I fell in love with you.'' Mac started to explain. ''I thought maybe when I held you in my arms after we made love. But no, it had to be earlier. Maybe when you kissed me for the first time? Or maybe when my heart stopped when I saw you beaten and broken? Maybe when I hugged you when I came back to work after the shooting and you were so happy to see me? Or maybe when I realized that it was only within a matter of seconds that I didn't lose you to Curtis? But no. So maybe when I saw you with Ellie for the first time? Or maybe when you teased me about the Reagan document? I kept going back and back... Every time I came up with some moment, there was always something before it. Some smile of yours, or some look that awoke this extraordinary tingling sensation in my chest. And then it became clear to me that you had me from the start, the second I saw you that very first day.''

The pounding sound in Jo's ears started to get louder and louder. She was sure she had forgotten how to breathe. It seemed like the only part of her that wasn't frozen, was her heart, that was beating so violently, like it wanted to rip her chest open and break free. Towards him.

Mac took her left hand gently in his. He stroked her fingers in an attempt to keep her hand from trembling, but it only caused more vibration, as his hand was shaking even more. He looked into her wide-open eyes and slid the ring onto her finger. A shadow of a smile lingered on his lips for a moment, when he realized it fit perfectly.

''Listen, Jo... I want to marry you... But only if that's what you want. If not, then that's fine with me. It doesn't really matter to me what name we put on what's between us. What is important, is that I want to be with you.'' Mac said quietly. ''I'm asking you to let me stay by your side... every day. Because I can't imagine my life without you.''

He was still holding her hand and Jo felt the warmth spreading through her fingers up her arm and further, warming her whole body. The beating of her heart finally started to calm down, like a small bird who, after its first flight, landed in some caring hands that closed around it, keeping it safe. She drew in a shaky breath, but couldn't find any words.

''Jo, please, say something...'' Mac asked gently. There was so much she could see in his eyes. Concern, worry, hope, fear, love... No one else in her life looked at her like that. And with that thought the dam was broken. She raised her right hand and put it over her mouth, but the heart-wrenching sob escaped from between her lips anyway. The flood of emotions was unstoppable and the tears started to roll down her face.

''Jo, darling...'' Mac whispered and she looked him in the eye. And there was the answer he was waiting for – she gently nodded. ''Yes?'' He asked happily, but then instantly he hesitated. ''Is that a 'yes'?'' He repeated his question and she nodded again, more firmly this time. He pulled her in his arms and embraced her. She put her arms around him and gasped for air between sobs. ''But 'yes' to what?'' He asked again, being both, happy and confused.

''To everything.'' Jo managed to utter, trying to keep herself from crying. He tightened his hold on her upon hearing it.

''Jo... so why are you crying?'' Mac asked softly.

''I thought that you... with her...''

''Shhh, darling...'' He placed his hand on the back of her head and stroked her hair, trying to calm her down. ''I would never lie to you. And I never will. I won't cheat on you. I won't do anything to hurt you. I don't want you to cry because of me.'' He whispered, rocking her gently. ''You have to be sure of me. You have to trust me. Will you trust me, Jo?''

''Yes...'' She whispered back. He smiled, as he thought this was a 'yes' that made him the happiest man on Earth.

''So is the drama over already?'' Ellie's voice broke the silence and they both looked up at her. She was standing at the bedroom door.

''Yes... We have it all figured out.'' Mac nodded and smiled at her. She rolled her eyes in response.

''Honestly, you two are worse than teenagers from a TV show on the Disney Channel.'' She said, crossing her arms on her chest and pouting her lips. She sounded annoyed and sarcastic, but Jo could tell she was moved by what she had just seen.

''El, you little grump, come here.'' Jo told her with a smile and stretched her arm towards her. But Ellie only rolled her eyes again and looked away. ''Ellieee.'' Jo repeated in a playful voice, which she knew always worked with her daughter. This time wasn't an exception. Ellie couldn't help but smile upon hearing her. Finally she gave up and moved towards them. Both Jo and Mac instantly stretched out their arms and pulled her onto the bed and into the hug.

''I guess I don't have to tell you, but if I ever hear that **I **am over-dramatizing, I'll remind you of this moment.'' Ellie mumbled against her mom's sweater. Jo looked at Mac and chuckled upon hearing her.

''We have no doubts about it.'' She said with a smile. Then she slightly leaned forward and brushed her lips against Mac's. It was supposed to be a light kiss, but they both couldn't quite pull away from each other.

''OK, hug's over.'' Ellie announced and freed herself from their embrace. ''I really don't want to witness all of this mushiness.'' She murmured and left the room. Jo smiled against Mac's lips at her words and she finally broke the kiss. She rested her forehead against his and closed her eyes.

''Hey...'' Mac whispered. ''Are you OK?''

''Yeah... I'm just a little dizzy.'' She told him and he instantly reached to check her forehead for a fever. But she didn't have any. ''I guess it's because I haven't eaten anything... since yesterday's lunch.''

''And you're still alive?'' Mac quipped, but then he caught her hand and said, ''Come on, I'll make us something.''

He pulled her to her feet and they exited the bedroom. On their way to the kitchen, while in the hall, Jo glanced at the table where she and Ellie kept change, keys and mail. She spotted several envelopes, so she let go of Mac's hand in order to look at them. She quickly thumbed through some junk mail and bills, but one envelope caught her attention.

Before entering the kitchen Mac turned around and looked at Jo, checking if she was following him. He smiled lightly, seeing that she had already made herself busy. But then, he frowned as he noticed that all the envelopes she was holding, except for one, suddenly fell to the floor.

''Jo?'' He asked with concern. She looked at him and his anxiety grew. She got even paler and her eyes were wide open. Like in slow motion her one hand moved up, to cover her mouth, but before that he was able to hear the whisper that escaped from between her lips, her voice laced with pure terror, ''My dear God...''

. . .

**A/N I know, I know... I'm sure every and each of you lost the hope that this story will ever end long time ago. To be honest, I lost it too. I'm really sorry for that. But finally, after all these months, here comes the next chapter. And it's not the last one! The story continues.**

**I'm not sure when the next update will be up, but I'm sure it will be sooner than this one was.**

**Many many many thanks to UrbanMuse – I think she's the only one who has believed that I'll ever continue this story. And for this chapter – it's thanks to her that you don't have to face an ugly grammar mistake in every sentence.**

**If you have some thoughts on what you've just read please don't hesitate to share!**


	15. get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?

. . .

''Jo...? Jo, please, say something.'' Mac begged her as he approached. One of his arms instinctively went around her waist and he could feel that she was shaking. He pressed her to himself and reached for the letter she was holding in her hand. The first thing that got his attention was the logo in the top right corner. Family Court. Then he quickly skimmed over the letter, instantly spotting the part that had made Jo so terrified.

''They're reopening the adoption case.'' Jo told him in a shaky whisper. ''He did it... He managed to do it. And now I'm gonna lose her.'' She uttered incoherently.

Mac gave up on reading and wrapped his other arm around her. She clung to him and he closed his eyes for a brief moment, trying to regain some composure. He hated seeing her so upset.

''Jo, you need to calm down.'' He told her softly. He felt that she wanted to pull away, but he didn't loosen his hold on her.

''How? How am I supposed to calm down?!'' Jo snapped. ''Mac, I could lose her! After all these years...''

''Shhh... That's not gonna happen.'' He said in a calming voice and tried to gently rock her in his arms. But it didn't seem to be helping this time. She pulled away more forcefully and finally he had no choice but to let go of her.

''I wonder what makes you so sure about it.'' She said, her anger rising. ''You don't know him, Mac. You have no idea what he is capable of. I do.''

''I think I have an idea by now.'' He murmured and gently stroked her cheek with his hand, directly in the place where only a couple of days ago the nasty bruise had still been visible. She slightly nuzzled her face against his palm, melting into his touch. But it lasted only a brief second. Then her eyes shot open again and she looked directly at him.

After everything that had happened to her over the past weeks, he wished he'd never see this look in her eyes again. But there it was. Once again she was feeling hopeless and scared. Almost broken. But this time she wasn't all alone to deal with it.

''Jo, you won't lose Ellie.'' Mac assured her. ''We don't even know if this letter is real. We have to contact the Court first thing in the morning. And if it is, then we have to find out the nature of the proceeding. I know the best family lawyer in New York, her specialty is adoption cases. She happens to owe me a favor, so if we need any legal help, I won't hesitate to ask her.''

Jo eyed him for a moment. Every time she looked into his honest, blue eyes, she felt an overwhelming calmness. This time wasn't an exception. The sudden shakiness of the world around her was slowly disappearing and everything was becoming steady again.

And this resounding 'we'. He used it in almost every sentence and every time he did, she frowned a little. It was so unfamiliar to her to hear it again. 'We'. She guessed that the last person who had used it like this was Russ. Although she barely remembered it, as it had to have been at the very beginning of their marriage. After that it had been only 'me' and 'I'. Then, over the past several years, she hadn't let any man get close enough to her to be able to use it. In the best case it was 'you and I'. But with Mac it was different.

''You won't lose her.'' He repeated and even though she nodded slightly, the fear hadn't gone away completely.

''You can't promise me that.'' Jo whispered in response.

''I can promise you I'll do everything in my power not to let this happen.'' He specified.

''It isn't exactly the same thing, you know.'' She murmured sadly, looking down. He gently took a hold of her chin and raised her head, making her look at him.

''It's not good enough for you?'' He asked. His facial expression was serious, but she was able to see playful sparks dancing in his eyes. They always made her smile and they didn't fail this time.

''No, no... It's actually a lot. Thank you.'' She whispered and then, all of sudden, she put her arms around his waist and cuddled herself to him. His arms were instantly around her once again and she let out a deep sigh.

''Mom?! Do we have some chocolate sprinkles?'' Ellie yelled from the kitchen and Jo tensed. She pulled away and looked at Mac.

''She can't find out about it. I don't want her to worry.'' Jo told him and he only nodded.

''Mooom?!''

''Coming!'' Jo yelled back. Then she took the envelope and the letter from Mac's hand, folded it and put it in her pocket.

. . .

Mac had made them a quick dinner and the three of them had eaten. Jo had been unusually silent and lost in her thoughts, but it had escaped Ellie's notice as she had been too focused on texting her friends, even though Jo normally never allowed her to use her phone during meals.

After dinner Ellie went to her room and Mac busied himself loading the dishwasher. Only then did Jo sneak to her bedroom, with her phone in her hand. She scrolled through the contacts list and stopped at Russ' name. Somehow she couldn't bring herself to call him, to hear his voice. Instead, she wrote a short text _'I need to meet you ASAP'_. Her finger hovered above the _'send'_ button for a moment, but finally she pressed it. She looked through the window, into the night and sighed. She didn't want to meet with Russ, but it seemed to be the only way to stop him. Before she turned around from the window and placed the phone down on the top of the chest of drawers, she got an answer. _'Tomorrow at 8 am, my place'_ it said. She swallowed hard.

''There you are.'' Mac said right behind her, startling her. Jo quickly closed the message, almost dropping her phone. ''Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.'' Mac told her as he noticed her reaction. She turned to face him and smiled. His eyes dropped lower and he looked at the phone in her hand.

''I was setting an alarm for tomorrow morning.'' She said, silently cursing herself for feeling obligated to make excuses for using her own phone; that most certainly would arose Mac's suspicion. She eyed him for a moment, trying to figure out what he was thinking.

''Listen...'' He started and her heart skipped a beat. ''It's getting late. It has been a long day. I think you need rest.'' He told her. ''I'll be going, Jo.''

''Oh...'' She looked at him sadly, suddenly aware that despite everything that had happened between them over the past days, he still was a guest in her place. ''Do you have to?''

''I'm on call tonight, till 6 am. I don't want to wake you up in the middle of the night.'' Mac explained.

''I don't care.'' She protested. She was more than aware that if he went, she wouldn't get any sleep at all, tormenting herself over and over again with thoughts of every possible dark scenario. ''I want you to stay.'' She said firmly. ''Please, stay.'' She added in a sweet voice, which she knew always made him completely defenseless. It was no different this time.

''All right.'' Mac sighed and put his arms around her. She raised her head and looked up at him, a smile playing on her lips. ''Just don't get any ideas...'' He murmured. ''We both need proper rest... after last night.''

''If you say so...'' She answered with a chuckle.

. . .

Jo felt arms sneaking around her waist, holding her tight and she smiled lightly. Then she felt an open-mouthed kiss being placed on her neck. Followed by another. And another. They were hard and demanding. Her smile faded away as she suddenly felt uncomfortable.

''What are you doing?'' She asked, trying to sound casual.

''You have no idea how much I want you.'' She tensed upon hearing those words. It wasn't Mac's loving murmur. It was that cold, low voice, laced with insolence. She knew this voice too well.

She quickly turned around and met the stare full of mockery. She wished she wouldn't have to look into those eyes ever again.

''Let go of me, Russ.'' She said and tried to free herself from his hold. But there was no use.

''I never let go of something that is mine. And you're mine.'' He said with a smirk.

''No, I'm not. Let me go!'' She protested, as his hands raised her top and felt up the bare skin of her stomach. She tried to push him away, but he didn't even budge. Instead he pressed his body hard against hers, causing the edge of the counter to painfully dig into her lower back. Much to Jo's relief he let go of her waist, but only to take her face in both his hands. He forced her head slightly up and claimed her lips. The kiss was rough, almost violent and Jo felt sick to her stomach. She did the only thing she could to stop it – she bit down hard on his lower lip. She tasted his blood in her mouth and Russ pulled away. He hissed in pain and pressed two fingers to his lip. Then he looked at them and smirked as he saw blood. He glanced at her once again.

''Oh, it's like that, isn't it?'' He asked and his smirk grew, making Jo more and more anxious with every moment. His hand returned to its former place and then they both slid down, to her neck. Before she could react in any way he clamped his fingers hard on her throat. Her eyes widened in fear and pain. She raised her hands to his wrists, her nails digging into his skin and his flesh, but it all was too little to stop him. She started to suffer from the lack of air and black dots began to dance in front of her eyes. She made another, futile attempt to push him away, but she was growing weaker too quickly. She could only stare into cold, steel eyes which made her realize that he really did want to kill her. With that thought everything went blank.

. . .

Mac was startled by Jo's abrupt awakening. She took a sharp intake of breath, as if she had surfaced from underwater and shot upright to a sitting position.

''Jo? Are you OK?'' He asked with concern, sitting up as well. She raised her hand to her throat, panting and for a moment he was scared that she was having trouble breathing. ''Jo...'' He repeated her name and she finally looked at him.

''I... I had...'' She started, but her voice trembled too much and she couldn't calm down enough to speak. He reached out for her and pulled her close to himself. She was covered with cold sweat and shivering badly.

''It was only a dream. A bad dream.'' Mac whispered to her. ''It's gone. You're fine.''

He felt how she began to calm down slowly. He adjusted their position and her grip on his body tightened.

''Don't let go of me.'' She whispered.

''I won't.'' Mac assured her. He slowly lowered them down, still having his arms around her. She snuggled closer to him, burying her face in her favorite spot, in the crook of his neck. ''Go back to sleep.'' He told her softly, but she shook her head. ''I'll stay awake and chase all the bad dreams away.'' He said, trying to lighten the mood. ''Sleep. I'll watch you.''

He patiently waited for Jo to calm down completely, for her breathing to become even. Only then did he stop whispering to her and stroking her hair. But he stayed awake, enjoying her closeness and her peaceful dreaming, thinking about how he might bring peace to her reality as well.

. . .

The next morning Jo woke up unusually early. She glanced at the clock and saw it wasn't even 7 am. She wanted to get up, but a pair of strong arms held her in place. Still asleep, Mac snuggled to her back and mumbled his protest. It felt so good to be wrapped into his loving embrace, into his comforting warmth. His whole body was pressed so closely to hers, as if he didn't want to ever let go of her. Almost as if he knew...

Jo sighed deeply. She knew that if he was aware of what she was going to do, he would never let her do it. That's why she couldn't be honest with him, although she was more than aware that it wasn't the right thing to do.

She placed her hand over his and wished she didn't have to face Russ alone. But it was the only way it could be done. She knew what he wanted. And she knew what he would do if he didn't get it.

Some time ago she had had hope that she could change his mind by addressing that part of him that was still good. She knew it had been there, because that had been what caused her to fall in love with him. But now it seemed to be gone for good, as she couldn't change his mind, neither by a threat, nor by a plea. The only thing she could do was agree to his conditions.

The sudden beeping of her phone startled her. She checked it and groaned loudly.

''What is it?'' Mac asked with a hoarse voice.

''Crime scene.'' Jo told him. ''Damn...'' She swore as she realized that it meant she would have to cancel her meeting with Russ.

Mac let out a loud groan and pulled her back to himself. He nuzzled his nose against the nape of her neck and breathed in deeply. He didn't loosen his hold on her, but instead slowly ran his hands against the smooth skin of her stomach, making her muscle flex in response.

''Mac... You have to let go of me.'' Jo noted between sighs.

''You know what?'' He murmured, propping himself up on an elbow. ''I'll take it.''

''No, Mac... You're not on call anymore.'' Jo protested.

''I'm the boss, I can always change who's on the call and who isn't.'' He told her with a smirk and leaned over her.

''But what will everyone say?'' Jo asked. ''You won't tell them that you found out I got called in because we were together in bed, will you?''

''Maybe I should... They would get positively jealous.'' He murmured and kissed her shoulder.

''Mac...'' Jo half gasped, half laughed. He pulled away and looked at her more seriously.

''You had a hard night... Go back to sleep.'' He told her and ever so softly brushed his lips against her eyebrow. ''I'll be back before you wake up.''

''OK then.'' She said with a smile. ''Thank you.'' She added and pecked his lips. Then she snuggled under the duvet and closed her eyes. She sensed that Mac watched her for a moment, then he took his clothes and went to the bathroom.

When he left it after a couple of minutes, Jo pretended to be asleep. She heard him as he left the bedroom, carefully closing the door behind himself. She waited for a few minutes and then got up. She moved to the window and peeped outside through the blinds. She watched Mac exit her building and walk to his car. He looked up, at her windows and she backed off slightly, even though there was no chance for him to see her. She watched as he got into his car and drove away.

. . .

''Hello, Jo.'' Russ greeted her as he opened the door. ''I'm guessing something happened...'' He told her with a smirk.

''Drop it.'' Jo groaned, entering his place. ''You know exactly what happened. I got a summons to appear in Family Court; they're reopening Ellie's adoption case.''

''Really? They are?'' Russ asked, trying to sound surprised, but his smirk gave him away.

''Russ, I know you had something to do with it.'' Jo told him, losing her patience.

''But how? Please, tell me?'' He asked. She eyed him, hesitating for a moment, as she thought that maybe he didn't have anything to do with it after all and it was some terrible mistake. But then Russ snapped his fingers as if he suddenly remembered something. ''Oh... I met with a guy about a week ago. We've known each other since college. He's a very good friend of mine. He even let me bang his wife once. Darn, that was fun. She was totally my type... Dark-hair, pale skin, killer ass...'' He said in a dreamy voice and Jo winced. She didn't even want to know if that was before or after they got married. It didn't matter at all right now. ''But I digress...'' He added with a lewd smile. ''Anyway, we talked about work first, then somehow our conversation moved to a different topic. I told him how very lonely you made me feel, choosing this... what was his name again? Mac? Well, choosing him over me.'' She wanted to say something, as his silly talk was really starting to get on her nerves, but it was enough for him to raise his hand and she had an awful flashback of his fist colliding with her cheek, causing her to stay quiet. ''I might have told him something about you and what you did to be able to adopt Ellie.'' Russ added and his smile grew bigger. ''Oh, I forgot to mention the fun part – he's a DA. And he got quite interested in your case.''

Jo sucked her breath in with a sharp gasp as it became clear to her that the reopening of the case was, in fact, caused by Russ. For a moment she had deluded herself into believing that perhaps it was just some unpleasant coincidence.

''You're a bastard.'' She told him through gritted teeth. ''Why would you do that?'' She asked. She hated the fact that her voice was shaking and that tears stung her eyes.

''You took my son from me.'' He said slowly, while moving towards her. ''Tyler disowned me because of everything you told him. He thinks I'm a monster. It's like I don't have a son anymore. It's the worst pain a parent can ever experience.'' He uttered with difficulty and Jo swallowed hard as she tried to imagine how painful it would be for her if Tyler turned his back on her. ''You have no idea.'' Russ hissed, as if he was reading her thoughts. ''But you will.'' He added with a smile.

Only then did she begin to feel dizzy. The whole room suddenly became terribly stuffy, as if all the air had disappeared from it. She leaned against the wall in order not to collapse. So that was what it was all about. He blamed her for Tyler's reaction. And he wanted to punish her by making her lose Ellie.

''It's not my fault that Tyler doesn't want to see you ever again.'' She said quietly. She barely finished the sentence when his hand hit the wall right next to her head.

''It's because of what you told him!'' He yelled.

''I only told him the truth.'' Jo said slowly, as it was the only way to keep her voice from trembling.

''Yeah, your version of the truth.'' Russ snapped.

''Truth doesn't have versions, Russ.'' Jo growled. ''I told him what you did to me. And believe me, I spared him the details.''

''Ahh, see... it's all about those tiny little details.'' He whispered, leaning closer to her. ''Did you tell him how you teased me the whole evening when we went out for dinner? Did you tell him how horny for me you were that night? I knew you were, I can always tell from the slightest glint you get in your eye.'' He said with a cheeky grin and ran his index finger along Jo's cheek bone, which caused her to turn her head away. ''Did you tell him how you were moaning my name? How you were crying it out? I bet you didn't.'' His hand moved lower, tickling the side of her neck. When it got to the side of her breast, she smacked it away.

''I told him how you beat me.'' Jo told him firmly.

''But did you tell him why? Did you tell him that I did it because you were mine and you were acting like a slut in front of Mac?'' Russ hissed and caught her by the wrist, immobilizing it. It was the same wrist he had twisted only a few weeks ago and when he realized it, he squeezed it lightly, causing Jo to whimper in pain.

''I was never yours. Not even when we were married.'' She said weakly. She knew it probably wasn't smart to make him angry. But she couldn't care less. ''What you did to me is unacceptable. You had no right to do it.'' She slowly uttered, trying to keep her voice as steady as possible. ''And you have to be completely out of your mind to think that Tyler would follow your sick reasoning.''

Russ glared at her angrily and tightened his hold on her wrist. Despite the pain it made the anger boil within her. With a quick movement she snatched her hand from his grip, even though his fingernails painfully grazed her skin.

''See, here's the deal.'' Russ started. ''If you want me to talk to my friend and convince him to leave Ellie's adoption case alone, you have to come back to me.'' He said bluntly.

''You can't be serious!'' Jo exclaimed.

''That's the only way to convince Tyler that we're fine with each other, that nothing really happened. Also, that's the only way for Ellie to stay with you.'' Russ said calmly. Jo closed her eyes and took a shaky breath. She couldn't risk that Ellie would be taken away from her. It would break her heart. She knew, she had to do everything not to let that happen. ''Do you want your baby girl to be taken away from you, Jo?'' Russ asked as he instantly figured out what she might be thinking right now.

''No.'' Jo shook her head, still keeping her eyes closed as she was afraid that if she opened them, Russ would be able to see her tears.

''Just think about it... We can rebuild what was between us. It can be just like it used to be. I know you were happy back then.'' Russ told her, his voice suddenly so soft and laced with emotion. She went back to those times in her thoughts. He was right, she used to be happy with him. At least at the beginning. ''I promise I won't hurt you ever again.'' He whispered and Jo frowned. She knew this pattern. Abuse, apology, promise. The vicious circle of an abusive relationship. ''I know I'm sometimes too possessive, but it's only because I care about you.'' Russ continued. ''I love you so much, Jo.''

The last statement rang in her ears. It hadn't even been 24 hours since she heard it, coming from someone else. From someone for whom it meant something. When he had said it, it sounded true. Not like the rattle of snares that had been set to trap her.

She didn't want to trade something true, something valuable, for this. Whatever had been between her and Russ was gone a long time ago. It was insane to wake up the ghosts of the past with the hope that it would be as it used to be. It could never be done.

''No.'' Jo shook her head firmly. ''I don't believe you.'' She said and opened her eyes. ''I'll never get back with you.'' She added and instantly she was able to witness how his features changed. He clenched his jaw and glare at her.

''Then I advise you to prepare to say goodbye to Ellie. Because I'll do everything in my power to make it happen.'' He threatened. She pushed him aside and moved towards the door.

''And I'll do everything to stop you.'' She said strongly.

''You have no idea what you've just started, Jo. I'll make sure it'll get really ugly. You'll come back to me and beg me to be on your side, to be with you!'' He added, raising his voice.

''I doubt it.'' Jo answered back. Then she turned to him and added, ''You can do whatever you want. I'm not afraid anymore, because this time, I'm not all by myself.'' And with that she left Russ' apartment. She heard how he yelled his threats after her, but she wasn't really paying attention to them. Russ slammed the door behind her, startling her as the loud bang echoed off the corridor walls. She leaned against the wall and tried to calm herself down.

. . .

Jo quietly entered her apartment and took off her jacket. She was just about to hang it up when her eyes caught sight of Mac occupying her couch. He was watching her with a serious look on his face.

''Gosh, you scared me!'' She gasped and offered him a smile, although it didn't reach her eyes and Mac wasn't fooled by it. ''You're back already.'' She said matter of factly.

''Yes.'' He nodded, not taking his eyes off her. ''Easy case. Where have you been, Jo?'' He asked.

She quickly thought of any possible excuse. Grocery shopping? But she didn't have any bags. Dropping Ellie for school? It was Sunday. Getting some fresh air? He wouldn't believe it, as she would never give up an opportunity to sleep in.

She glanced at him and as soon as their eyes meet, she knew she couldn't lie to him.

''I'm sorry...'' She whispered. He rose from the coach and approached her.

''What are you sorry for, Jo?''

''I... I met with Russ.'' She admitted. She looked at him hesitantly, not being sure how he would react. But she couldn't read anything from his features, he kept his usual poker face.

''I had a bad feeling all night. That's why I didn't want you to go to the crime scene. I was afraid that something might happen to you.'' Mac admitted in a low voice. ''I thought you were safe, sleeping in your own bed, while you...'' His voice broke off and he had to take a deep breath to calm himself. ''Tell me he didn't hurt you.'' He asked pleadingly. ''Because if he touched you, I swear I'm going to kill him.''

''No, No. Mac, I'm fine. Nothing happened.'' Jo assured him quickly.

''Why did you even meet with him?'' Mac asked. ''What does he want from you?''

Her eyes dropped to the floor as she suddenly felt terribly guilty. She had lied to Mac. She had met with Russ behind his back. And what was even worse, she had considered leaving him for Russ. Even though she knew it would break his heart. She looked up at him again. She had to blink a few times, as tears blurred her vision. But before she spoke, he himself managed to piece the puzzle together.

''Tell me it's not true.'' He asked in a shaky whisper. ''Tell me you're not going back to him in order to stop him.'' He was more than aware that she would do that, that she would sacrifice her own happiness and safety for Ellie's well-being. She had already done it. He didn't want her to lose Ellie by any means. But he didn't want to lose Jo either.

''No, I'm not.'' She whispered back. Only then did he let out a pent up breath and pull her into his arms. ''I thought about it, but... I couldn't. I love you too much.'' She admitted quietly and put her arms around him as well.

''Thank God...'' Mac breathed out.

''But I'm so scared, Mac. What if they take Ellie away from me? I'm not gonna survive this.'' She told him in a despairing whisper.

''It's not going to happen.'' Mac assured her firmly. ''You're with me now and I won't let anything bad happen, either to you or to Ellie.''

. . .

**A/N Many thanks to UrbanMuse, who corrected this chapter – not only she didn't lose her patience because of the herds of stupid mistakes, but also provided good advices how to make the story better.**

**I'm really happy that even despite the long break between updates you didn't lose interest in this story. I'm really grateful for all the reviews and feedback of any sort I got.**

**Keep it up, please ;)**


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